In order to properly put you in my shoes, I’ve recorded the events or ongoings at Le Casa del Fly, over the past 12 hours, and posted them here for all to read. Enjoy.
9:00 pm (3/3/2010)
Fly: Honey, I just called Herb Greenberg, the man inside the television box, an asshat.
Mrs. Fly: Who is Herb Greenberg?
Fly: Oh, it doesn’t matter.
(several hours elapses)
1 am
Fly: (talking to the shadows near his favorite urinal) Hey, so what do you think of tomorrow’s jobs report? I’m thinking a smidge over 190k.
Urinal Shadow: Only pussies use the word “smidge.”
Fly: Fuck you asshole (punches urinal shadow in the face)
(Mrs Fly walks in)
Mrs. Fly: Why did you just punch the wall?
Fly: Oh nothing.
4am
Fly: (cordially reading over research reports, while laughing profusely)
5am
Fly: (tucks self into bed. Done for the night)
7am
(Alarm ringtone of artillery shells awakens Le Fly)
Mrs. Fly: Shut that nonsense off.
Fly: Quit hating.
Mrs. Fly: I’ll be back soon. The kids are gonna be late for school.
Fly: Don’t mind me, I’ll be prepping for the ever-so-important February jobs report.
Mrs. Fly: What’s that?
8am
(Fly showered, shaved and dressed)
Mrs. Fly: Why are you wearing a tuxedo and top hat, with a cane, while watching CNBC?
Fly: I mustn’t sully the importance of the February jobs report. Hey, hon, Herb Greenberg seems a little upset that I called him an Asshat last night.
Mrs. Fly: Who’s Herb Greenberg?
Fly: Nevermind. Hey, do we have pickles in the fridge?
Mrs. Fly: Yes. Why do you want pickles now, in the morning?
Fly: (awkward silence)
Mrs. Fly: I’m going upstairs.
8:25am
Fly: (talking to himself) Okay, I am all set, ready for the report. (He now begins to review a checklist) Proper dress code. Check! Bowl of fresh pickles, ready for consumption. Check! Favorite cologne. Check! Take a look at the ever so important Twitter steam to see what Herb Greenberg is up to. Check!
8:29am
Fly: (phone rings. It’s a colleague) Fuck you I’m busy. (hangs up)
(Fly begins to chew on pickles with fierce intensity)
8:30am
(jobs report is announced!)
Fly: (in the kitchen, getting a cup of coffee, away from television) What the fuck are they saying? I can’t hear shit with these pickles.
Mrs. Fly: Can you lower the tv? The entire neighborhood can hear your stupid CNBC.
Fly: (yells upstairs) I can’t hear anything. I’ve been chewing on these damn pickles and I missed what the imbeciles said on CNBC.
Mrs. Fly: You’re ridiculous.
Fly: (races over to living room to see report)
(CNBC cuts for a commercial)
Fly: WHAT THE FUCK!?! (throws bowl of pickles at his 60 inch LED-LCD tv)
Mrs. Fly: What’s going on down there?
Fly: Oh nothing.
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That was hysterical.
ROFL
Are the bowl of pickles and your favorite cologne one-in-the-same?
You sir are a WORD SMITH in all caps.
Funny – BTW – only pussies use the phrase “musn’t sully”
Untrue!
_______
I don’t get the cordial pickles. Are you trying to tell me #4 is on the way, at long last??
__________
A Day in the Life of a Financial Advisor
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7743951/
Most creative post I’ve seen yet. Props to Le Fly.
Bizarre yet highly entertaining. Made me laugh out loud. Enough to let the grammar & punctuation mistakes slide this time.
Fuck you.
Funny scene at your house.
…NFLX is zooming back up.
Brilliant screenwrite. But Courier New, the working man’s font, is the standard for such writtings. Just saying is all.
Ha!
Now that was cute. Poor Mrs. Fly. You must have her rolling her eyes and walking around shaking her head endlessly. The kids, too. LOL
Thank you Fly. I accept the Asshat Award on behalf of myself and the CNBC crew. It is indeed an honor and I will put it on the trophy shelf right next to the previous Asshat Award as well as my 5th grade spelling bee ribbon. I hope to win again in the near future. Well, I have to go. Need to make my dinner reservation using OPEN. Thanks again.
Oh great! Now I can show Mrs. Fly who Herb Greenberg is! Thanks.
What we learned, in case you missed it: Fly has a urinal in his house.
That’s because the Mrs. won’t let him use the master bath. The fourth time he micturated in the bidet was the kicker.
___________
I’m going to install a “trough” like you see at the old sports stadiums. Aim is not as important in this case.
Brilliant!
what, no BOOM BOOM the night before the big game
8:30 a.m.— watching jobs report. When do you go to work or do you work out of the home?
Pickles eh? Whole pickles? That could damage the LED-LCD…
Sir Fly, you are one funny writer! You need to do a syndicated TV show of your life. It’d be a winner.
All time best! Love the dialogue angle keep it coming.
Fucking Hilarious Shit Right DER
Fly: Maybe you could install a second urinal for some kind of contest between you and Carson Block. And don’t forget to publish the transcript.