Continuous Crash

SPECIAL EMERGENCY UPDATE: I NAILED THE BOTTOM. Someone please schedule my CNBC interview. “Famed internet blogger calls the bottom.”

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This is a wonderful business. I get to witness a market crash just about every day now. Here I am trying to bottom fish, showing a modicum of confidence in this wretched system and BAM: off with my mustache.

For me, the conundrum is the fact that valuations are so cheap. We are in crash mode here and people don’t give a fuck that Intel Corporation [[INTC]] or Google Inc. [[GOOG]] are as cheap as a Bronx hooker.

Every asshole I know, including the strange men on the t.v., say “we need to retest the intraday lows of last Friday.” Fuck you sideways.

Now that everyone is saying it, of course it has to be done! It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

I am just pissed off because I’ve been wrong buying the dips. I should have been chasing the momentum down. However, again, the valuations are just absurd. I am very, very bitter.

Where’s oil going? Does anyone even need oil rigs anymore?

Transocean Inc. [[RIG]] and National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] are going to have to lay down their rigs and let them rust in the mud. Homeless men will live in them and use them as urinals.

It could be worse. I could be fully invested.

I was going to buy more [[UYG]] at $9. Fuck that. The way this market is trading, I’ll be able to step in at $2, today.

I’m going for a walk.

UPDATE: Holy shit in a bonfire. WE’VE BOTTOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTE: I will continuously say “WE’VE BOTTOMED,’ since I will eventually be right. After nailing the bottom, “The Fly” will go on the teevee and tell people how smart he is, and shit like that. I will go on the teevee with my white flowing robe, leather sandals and have my trader/servant carry “THE iBANKCOIN STANDARD” onto the CNBC set. It will be quite the scene.

I bet you faggots were all worried and shit about some sort of apocalyptic crash today. You were sitting on your bullshit couch, watching your bullshit t.v., saying “OMG, I am afraid to even think about looking at the market tomorrow, it’s going to be a horror show.” While this may still turn out to be true, you have nothing to fear but fear itself, when it comes to the market.

The market is not a normal place to invest right now. There are so many hedge fund managers (I chuckle, not laugh, when I write this) going out of business, via prime brokerage seizures, it’s quite the midnight laugher. As for me, Mrs. Fly wants no part of this ‘idiotic stock market.’ She hates it. Actually, I think she thinks I am bullshitting when I say “Hey Hon, the market crashed again, what’s for dinner?”

As an aside, this morning I stepped in and bought a decent amount of [[UYG]] . Much to my chagrin, I’m already down. However, I am going to buy in increments. I will buy up to 300,000 shares. And, I will buy 100,000, mind you, on every point down. In other words, I do not think it will break $8. Hence, I am starting to buy here.

As for my other unhealthy/obsessive buys of National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , I cannot let them go. I will buy them, if I might be so bold, whenever the fuck I feel like it, quite frankly, as opposed to being entirely “unfrank” in this discussion.

In closing, quit being such a pussy, grab your balls, and start nibbling, like a small rat inside of a cave made from corn.

Top picks: [[TBT]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] , The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , [[UYG]]

I bought 100,000 [[UYG]] @ $10.27, 3,000 National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] @ $24.70 and 3,000 The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] @ $35.06.

Disclaimer: If you buy the above stocks because of this post, you will get testicular cancer. And, you may lose money.

No longer will you see tanning salons filled with men, who just got back from the nail salon getting his fucking nails polished and his eyebrows waxed.

That guy is done.

No longer will you see the guy with excess hair gel, cologne and multiple blackberries.

Fuck that guy. He is done.

The chick with a fake tan at the shopping mall, in search of her 20th coach bag, while sipping on a latte is fucking done.

The construction boss with 10 illegal mexicans workers, leaving jobs half done, in order to start a new one is fucking done.

Anyone who believes in free market capitalism is fucking done.

Chris Cox, SEC King Pin, is fucking done.

Donald Trump, saddled with bullshit commercial RE and obnoxious casinos, is fucking done.

Any CEO who thinks he is going to golden parachute out of his bankrupt company is fucking done.

Assholes who are green and clean will never ever see their environmentally safe projects completed, since oil is going back to $40. They’re done, in a very egregiously “ungreen” way.

Finally, the idiots who are loading up on gold bars, thinking it will be the only source of currency in a post Armageddon America is delusional and done. People will not give two fucks and a gay goat in a boat about your bullshit gold coins, when there is no food at the store— because the era of the fucking dustbowl is back in a big way.

Feel free to add your own.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAkfHShATKY 450 300]

Pardon the corny title; I just had to write it.

This is what it’s all about. Buying stocks when no one else wants them is the reason why we have a stock exchange. It’s real easy to give up hope and just off yourself with a fucking howitzer. However, it’s hard to man up, watch losses accelerate and buy into this holocaust of confidence.

For the most part, I did nothing today, aside from a few small The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] and National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] average downs. I have lots of cash and will allocate it, during the great unwinding of 2008.

I already missed the short trade, erroneously failing to buy [[FXP]] , [[SKF]] and [[SRS]] when it made sense. I’m of the belief that central banks will force LIBOR rates lower. After all, it’s their fucking money.

I feel like I’m hallucinating watching this fucking market melt away like an ice pop in Brazil. Someone needs to step up to instill confidence in these markets.

We need fucking Santa Claus to step up now and get long some banks, else we’re all doomed.

I bought 5,000 The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] @ $34.76 and 5,000 National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] @ $26.31.

Disclaimer: If you buy the above stocks because of this post, Bush will run for a third term and win. And, you may lose money.

Quit giving me financial advice in the comments section. God help me, I will track you down and have your eyebrows punched off.

I am not shorting here. Do you hear me, you fucking faggots?

The world is not ending. It’s all a big propaganda parade, spearheaded by space invaders who happen to be short National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] .

If you know anything about the market, it is this: buy the blood. It is nonsensical to short stocks, down at these levels.

Next thing you know, magically, LIBOR rates come crashing down tomorrow and you bearshitters get your fucking heads handed to you.

I’m buying stocks at the close.

“The Fly” has frozen his funds, like some sort of twisted Sub Zero fatality move (that one goes out to you Mortal Kombat lovers). There is nothing that will draw me back into the market, both long or short, barring a fucking giant asteroid crashing into the Hoover dam. I am too busy planning obnoxious shopping sprees, than to fuck around with the Dow.

Please, if you want to go trade into this mess, wear a bib. You’ll be drooling over yourself, like an indolent idiot, in no time at all.

Believe me, I am tempted to buy more National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , but I cannot allow myself to do that, while the market is totally ignoring fundamentals. Essentially, stocks will stop going lower, when people stop selling. It may sound too simplistic, but it’s the words of a stock God.

On the other hand, the short side is completely out of bounds for me. There is a lot of shady shit going on, with all of the central banks trying to save the world and all. My money is better off on the sidelines, waiting for an opportunity to buy the blood.

If you must buy something, because you are addled with ADD, get long some [[TBT]] , which gets you short treasuries, with 200% leverage. Eventually yields have to rise. All of this flight to quality shit is a bubble, similar to ag, oil, dot coms and ‘globa growth plays,’ circa 99-2006.

What a fucking market. The commodity sector is meeting its maker today, with massive losses in everything from fried rice to oil. I am having my balls set aflame in National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] . The only good thing is my cash position, now currently at 65%.

However, the mess in NOV is really starting to grate me. The stock does not belong here. But what do I know? Maybe the CEO of the company got caught with a hooker, shooting up heroin in some third rate hotel room?

All I know is the market cannot be trusted. BIG FUCKING SHOCKER.

Hey, I got some advice for you stock market junkies: throw your money into a fucking barrel of flames. You will enjoy it more. This method of capital destruction, via the internet, is entirely asinine. At least when you can toss a few million into a flaming barrel of garbage, you might get to enjoy the warmth of the excess energy, before some homeless guy stabs you in the neck for taking his barrel. On the internet all you get is big fucking zeros.

With my money, I am not touching this piece of shit market. I have too many gains to fuck around with asshole tapes, inside a failing banking system.

However, knowing me, by the end of the day I might nibble at a thing or two.