In All Seriousness, There is Nothing Left to Buy

I sold VXX to draw a line in the sand, take my lumps and move on. But now I find myself trying to allocate capital and there is nothing that interests me.

Am I supposed to buy oil when it’s +4?

Gold and silver are up, but the fucking miners suck. As a matter of fact, the very best place to put money right now is likely nowhere. Or, perhaps TLT is an interesting buy down here?

All I know is this: August has managed to fuck me on an annual basis. This is a situation where the temptress is attempting to lure me back in, so she can slice my head off and play with my innards.

NO THANK YOU, TEMPTRESS WHORE!

I will take my 45% cash position and angrily go about my day, bitter at the world for creating the conditions that led to my VXX purchase.

CAVEAT: I am still seeking a buying opportunity. I may be able to find something before the day ends.

The market was supposed to get crushed today, under the heavy weight of a poor payrolls number. TLT is supposed to be off to the races, as it has for the past 10 years. Europe is supposed to get flushed down the toilet bowl, with Turkey following it into the sewer pipe.

BUT THE EXACT OPPOSITE OCCURRED.

I am back in.

I sold out the entirety of my VXX because America is back, motherfucker. I am celebrating the 2nd term of Obama today through the purchase of stocks, in extreme and fanatic fashion.

I can’t lose.

Developing…

In 50 years from now young children will run up to me asking “good Sir, how did you make such an immense fortune? How were you able to amass such wealth in your lifetime?”

With top hat and cane in hand, whilst smoking on my pipe, I will tell these chaps the following.

“Back in the summer of 2012, see, I was losing money in VXX for the 4th time in so many years. I was obsessed, mind you (puffs on pipe), with it because it had taxed me for millions of dollars and I wanted revenge. It would torment me, see, on down days, as well as up, okay? I’d cry foul and wave my tightly clenched fists in the air, demanding the CEO of VXX, or whoever the fuck made it, was thrown inside of a prison cell, shared by a famished crocodile. I’d go on the internets and lament over my losses, all the while offsetting them with unprecedented winshippery in other venues of course. I was a man with numerous financial interests, always keen to smell out the next hot stock or future insolvency (vigorously puffs on pipe).

Then it hit me. I had a vision that I’d end up being a very powerful and rich man. I had to put this vision into action, and do so at once (puts pipe down on world map). I’d be able to own islands and drown Bentleys into carp infested lakes, that I own. I would own aircraft carriers, accompanied by attack submarines, armed with lasers. The works.

(the children will interrupt to ask: good Sir, please, I beg of you, tell us what you did”?)

Very well, listen to me very quietly (picks up pipe and smokes it intently): this is what I did.

Every morning, during my ritualistic cup of Early Gray tea (honey with milk, never sugar), I’d open the portal to my brokerage account– and when the market opened– I’d sell short shares of VXX. I did this every day until I was 47.5 years old and made billions of dollars doing it. That, small plebs from the sewer pipe, is how “The Fly” made the fortune that you see so gallantly and deliciously displayed before your eyes (no homo) today.

Good day.”

The allure of extravagant price runs to the upside persists, as shit floats to the top–led by the likes of GMCR and FSLR. I regret not buying into YELP’s earnings, as planned. But then again, my average sale price is still $2.5 higher, even after today’s banana run.

The market was supposed to crater today because the ECB failed to act. However, buyers are stepping in, propping up garabgio, climbing the great wall of worry.

Nevertheless, I want you to focus on the bigger picture. TLT is still higher and the Dow is off by 40.

Make believe the market is a giant mouse-trap and you are a mouse. The cheese smells very nice and other mice are noshing on it. You want to run on over to take a nibble, before all of the cheese is gone. The other bastard mice are getting fat from the cheese, hamming it up, having a grande old time as you watch in agony. If you are patient, however, you will get to see all of the other mice decapitated by the arm of the snare. There will be blood everywhere, engrossing all of the cheese, making it inedible for those who are made from a weaker constitution.

I will have you know, “The Fly” intends to pick up the pieces of cheese, left behind by the dead mice, and eat it–blood and all. I understand the blood makes it rather delicious, almost like a beurre blanc sauce atop of grilled shark.

The ECB did nothing. Their words are empty and their dicks are small. Chancellor Merkel is the only one with a big cock in Europe. As a result, markets are in DEFCON 5 mode, with Spanish markets trading down by 8% from the highs. This is truly a panicked tape.

KCG was wiped out, thanks to robots, in 10 minutes of egregious trading. It’s sort of surreal, as well as fucktarded, that the entire company is in jeopardy after a bad morning of trade.

I require and demand your uninterrupted and absolute attention:

WE ARE HEADING THE FUCK LOWER. AS THE ANNUAL iBC DINNER APPROACHES, AND I AM HEAVY IN VXX AND CASH, IT IS MY DESTINY TO WIN THIS ROUND AND MORE. THE MONTH OF AUGUST WAS CREATED TO HOODWINK INVESTORS INTO FUCKED UP TRAPS, CHOPPING OFF OF THE LEGS AND ARMS FOR SPORT.

You were warned, yet chose to bet against me. The lessons of the world will be lectured to you now, via large capital losses.

The most important metric when fishing through this pool of rubble is net cash per share/price. Before I could even contemplate a turn around, I need to be reassured the stock will not go all the way, to zero.

In my opinion, here are the names with the best cash positions.

ZNGA, SNE, EA, IRBT, CAJ, FB, DELL, LXK, NILE, GME, CMG, COH, DECK, NFLX, NOK, RIMM and GRPN.

There, I’ve narrowed the field.

Now I want to look for growth potential. Without growth, there will be not be a sustainable turn around.

GRPN, EA, CMG, ZNGA, COH, DECK, NFLX,  and CAJ.

Pure wreckage factor. What stocks are beaten down the most. I know that seems like a simplistic theory, buying stocks that are down the most. However, sometimes the biggest winners are the stocks that get sold off the most, unduly of course.

ZNGA, GRPN, CAJ, DECK, EA, TIF, CMG, COH, NFLX

Ok, that was no help. All of those fuckers are beaten down. Let’s try FPE ratios under 20x.

DECK, EA, GRPN, COH, TIF

Last but not least, full scan of the fundamentals by The PPT (gross margins, p/b, p/s, PEG ratios, debt/equity, profit margins).

DECK, COH, TIF

There you have it: my top buy and hold picks for discounted brands are DECK, COH and TIF. Those are my methods and they’ve served me well. Going with the highly speculative names, like EA, ZNGA and GRPN, offer a much greater potential upside. However, it is my belief, the above names will give you a more comfortable ride, chauffeured by gentlemen in top hats.

You know what I was busy doing today, aside from getting my fucking brains blown out by EXK, EL and VXX?

Mrs. Fly had an interior decorator teach us what we needed to be taught, with regards to paint, window treatments and of course fabric. Droning on through the process, I’d blurt out unreasonable requests for “goblin green” to be “splashed” upon the bedroom walls. Or, perhaps a “punch” of terra-cotta to mesh with the many nuances of “jack-0-lantern orange,” were my requests. In the end, I was on the receiving end of a homo-hammer, all the while EL gave me the business (no homo).

This isn’t even remotely close to being funny.

I haven’t even read the news yet. I don’t know if Ben gave a public blow-job to Alan Greenspan, or he opted to take out his printing press for a “rendezvous” across Zimbabwe.

“Pardon me as I get a dash of cocaine to powder my nose with.”

I lost money today, but sold out of LNN for sport–young chap. Ag was sooo June. I am onto bigger and better things, such as “hedging” my positions with a fucking chainsaw to femur (VXX).

We’re all waiting for The Bearded Clam to come out and snap the dicks off short sellers. If so, why the fuck is gold and silver lower? Nevertheless, silver stocks are in the process of bottoming here. Should Ben print some crack cocaine on his 3-d printer, EXK will gap–the fuck—higher.

It’s humorous to me that Egan Jones just downgraded the debt of Knight Capital, following this morning’s absurd buy programs gone buck-fucking-naked-wild. Mr. Jones is an opportunist of the first order, a man on stilts trying to pretend he is tall.

As an aside, the retail investor enjoys “flash-surges” to the upside, especially when they trigger buy stop orders for their hedges on Fed day.

VHC looks like its bottomed, finally. The PPT flagged that motherfucker to be OVERSOLD the other day. I should have bought and could have and would have; but I was too God damned busy fine tuning my orbital space cannon, aiming it at a small obtuse town in upstate New York.

Both August and September are the worst months for stocks. Around this time of the year, I always plan to go on vacation, in my head I sell all of my stocks, and take a break to avoid the tomfuckery. But I always get sucked in, thinking “this time will be different.” After all, the market has to buck the trend sometime, right?

WRONG.

We are going the fuck lower and I will not be fooled by this faux rally. The markets are near new highs and earnings have been the worst in a decade. What the fuck am I missing here?

Everything seems to be very calm and cool. The summer breeze rifling through your hair, as you trade from your Ferrari, speeding with the top down, doing 250mph. Next thing you know, your car transforms into an accordion against a titanium wall, crushing your stupid fucking face like a pepsi can under an anvil.

“The Fly” shall not be tricked, not this time, not ever.

I put together a watchlist to track brands gone bad, with regards to year to date stock performance. If forced to pick three turn arounds, which would you choose from this list?

Add FB to that list for good measure.

I will give you my three picks tomorrow.