WEAPONIZED AUTISM

An unusal man on 3555 Farnam St. in Omaha, Nebraska bought an astounding 75 million shares of Apple this past quarter for a small sum of $13 billion. His entire position in Apple is now worth more than $42 billion — because he likes the company and has nothing else to do with his large cash hoard.

“It is an unbelievable company,” Buffett says. “If you look at Apple, I think it earns almost twice as much as the second most profitable company in the United States.”

Warren Buffet has more than $116 billion in cash at Berkshire, an amount so fucking autistic it’s hard to put it into perspective, especially when considering he has another ~$25b in WFC, $20b in BAC, $18b in KHC, $17b in KO, $15b in AXP, $10b in PSX and much, much more.

It’s hard to hate on olde man Warren. He still lives in his piece of shit house back in Omaha and eats a fuckload of junk food on a regular basis. He must be eating children in his basement at night — because anyone else would be dead drinking all of those cherried fucking cokes.

No one will ever replicate what Buffett did. No matter how hard you try or really want to do it — it’ll never happen. Anyone trying to be the next Warren should instantly kill themselves and do all of us a favor from having to cringe so hard at the prospect of another person thinking they could amass this level of wealth from merely investing in household names.

While it’s true, Warren got involved in brand names at exactly the right time in America, post WW2, and then rode the wave like a fucking champion for the next 70 years — it’s also a fact that no one else has ever done it like Warren, which makes him profoundly unique. Obviously, nothing of what I just said it remotely intuitive or interesting, just a random observation as I look at Buffett’s picture. He’s awfully robotic in his mannerisms. I would not be surprised to learn he’s the Oracle of Omaha, like literally, and is in charge of the simulation we’re all part of.

Like Buffett, I too bought my first stock at the age of 11; but unlike Buffett, I’ve been bedraggled by a sundry of fucked up markets and personality disorders that have stopped me from achieving a net worth of $75 billion. Tits to dicks, we all want a piece of the Buffett pie. It probably tastes delicious and is what the American appled pie is made from. But we’re never going to truly have it. We can only gaze at it and relish in its sweet aromas. The second we angle ourselves sideways and go in for a slice, an angry factory blade will lob our arm clean off our torso.

‘Tis is life.