Two thousand years ago today, the son of God became a zombie.
Zombie Jesus was pissed off because some greasy Italians had tortured and killed him. Being the son of God and all, he came back as “Zombie Jesus” to exact revenge on his enemies. Rumor has it, Zombie Jesus liked to catch his prey when they least expected it, on fishing boats, hot air balloons and even in outerspace.
One time he parted the sea and ate a Roman solider, who was scuba diving, looking at the pretty fish.
About 1,000 years after Zombie Jesus exacted revenge on the people who tortured and killed him, while in heaven, he created a man-sized rabbit to descend upon his enemies and dubbed it “The Easter Bunny.” Back in the old days, before the Easter Bunny was gentrified, doling out chocolates to well behaved Christian boys and girls, he’d bite off the heads (like a carrot) of the descendants of the original Roman soldiers who killed him.
A long time ago, every Easter, the city of Rome was wrapped in fear, as no one really knew who was related to those original Roman soldiers. They’d hide themselves inside cupboards, amphoras and sewers, to escape the Easter wrath. For Italian citizens, it was like playing the Wheel of Fortune, with the grande prize being a hideous bunny rabbit gnawing away at your head, like a carrot, until you dropped dead. This went on for many centuries until chocolate was invented.
Jesus loved chocolate so much, he became addicted to it. God would always tell him “to lay off that stuff. It will rot your teeth.” Jesus ignored his Father’s wishes and kept eating chocolate, until one day God snatched away his chocolate cows and sent him to his room to do penance for disobeying him. When it was time for the annual Easter killings to commence, Jesus was nowhere to be found. The Easter Bunny searched for him high and low; but God hid him well.
The Easter Bunny became panicked and started to spaz out in heaven, punching angels in the face and what not. Then he spotted Jesus’ chocolate cow, which was hidden behind the tablets of the 10 commandments. It was at that point that he knew Jesus had been punished by God and this pissed him off. He took the chocolate cow and made millions of pieces of chocolate, in his likeness, with it. After all, it was Jesus’ favorite food.
He then delivered the chocolate to millions of human children, God’s favorite form of human.
When God found out about this, he was pissed off- but could do nothing to stop The Easter Bunny, for he was hidden in Jesus’ old hiding spot, unknown by God. The Easter Bunny sent a letter to God, saying “release Jesus, or else every Easter I will deliver the chocolate cow pieces to millions of human boys and girls, much to your chagrin.”
God replied by making rabbit the preferred protein for the country of France.
To this day, Jesus is tucked away in his room, doing penance and The Easter Bunny is running amok, dropping off chocolate cow pieces to children all across the globe.
Now you know the true definition of Easter.
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Laughed hard at the Easter Bunny being “gentrified”. Thank you for the history lesson, señor.
Sacrilishussssssssss
So is the merging of ISHTAR/Pagan Goddess Eostre with was once called Christian Passover as the sins of man were “passed over”.
The truth is Egyptians and Cannanites and others loved bunnies and eggs, the sign of sex and fertility. They worshiped the “sex rabbits” hence “playboy bunnys” And did drugs and painted psychedelic eggs.
The Greek churches said, no. But the Roman Catholic Church said “lets be pagans” and merged, choosing to celebrate Christian Passover on pagan day on first Sunday of spring solstice.
Christmas is the same pagan ritual of decorating trees and such.
That was both enlightening and heartwarming (not to mention highly humorous.) Thank you for the lesson in Catholic history, Fly. Happy Chocolate Bunny day to you and your family. Another nugget of literary gold.
Great Easter story!
I hope you all enjoyed today’s history lesson.
…..says Happy Easter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wfamPW3Eaw
Good story- I knew my neighbor Fly believed in God, the Easter Bunny, Italy, Jesus, and Zombies.
Me?
I had a basket of matzoh and gefilte fish blessed at St. Paul’s Church in Princeton yesterday, just in case.
Happy Easter to all.
dude, that’s pathetic – have some self-respect.
I believe said bunny was personified in a Monty Python classic.
Why we celebrate pagan Christmas and pagan Easter rather than Christian Passover and Christ’s Birthday?
http://www.ldolphin.org/ishtar.html
The Talmud of Jmmanual.
It’s about spaceship Jesus instead of Zombie Jesus
http://archive.org/download/The-Real-New-Testament-The-Talmud-of-Jmmanuel-Person-Known-Nowadays-as-Jesus-For/The-Real-New-Testament-The-Talmud-of-Jmmanuel-Person-Known-Nowadays-as-Jesus-Forgery-in-Christianity.pdf
Spaceman Jesus
So let it be written, so let it be done! L.O.L.
That could very well be the funniest thing i’ve ever read in these hallowed halls. (and that’s saying something)
That is soo wrong, funny, but sooooo wrong…
I love it! I had to read it to my kids.
Mrs. Fly was not amused by this tale.
Wow. You outdid yourself again, Fly. That is absolutely the most creatve, entertaining & sacrilegious Easter story I have ever heard or read.
As for it being sacrilegious, that’s good. Its important to celebrate & practice our freedom of expression in the Western world, since many countries do not have this. If ya got it, flaunt it.
The picture on the main page is hilarious.
1) not your best work, not by a long shot
2) not gentlemanly, which is required on iBC, per your decree
3) just poor form and base to mock
I’ve loved iBC for a long time, bought merch and subscribed to premium services. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Moob
No one doubts your friendship to the site, aside from the period when you insisted that someone was ghost writing for me to the point where I was forced to restrict you from the site.
As for offending people who celebrate Easter: I am of catholic descent, raised by the church, served as an altar boy until I was 12.
This is my form of entertainment, mocking others, and I do so equally. Do I not?
Lighten up and go nosh on a chocolate bunny.
That is some funny stuff there Fly. I will look forward to your Christmas tale.
Fleas riskiest blog post
sure to offend, some
Classic Fly. This is a free thinking zone. Any fool agitated by the prose needs to check the buttrag at the door. This is not about you.
This version is just as plausible as any others I’ve heard. Also has about the same evidence to back it up.
What I didn’t realize was how much better Asian food could be than what my experience of it was. A lot of Chinese cuisine in America is actually nothing like the traditional style. It is much too greasy, and dominated by a simple array of flavors that doesn’t really capture the complexity of Asian cooking.`
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