iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
23,442 Blog Posts

The Important Matter of Drinking Coffee Like a Man

It pains me to see other men order homofied cups of coffee. Whenever I am at my local Starbucks, I cringe at the orders blurted out by other men. “Yes, may I have a super, duper latte espresso with whipped cream and caramel.” If you are a man, you are NOT ALLOWED to EVER order coffee with whipped cream in it, unless of course you intend to use the whipped cream as some sort of diabolical weapon or to be dispatched (immediately) into the face of an idle enemy. Secondly, you are NOT ALLOWED to put caramel in your coffee. What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t get me started with steamed milk!

Lastly, you are not supposed to put too much sugar in your coffee and NEVER use sugar alternatives. If you put splenda in your cup of mud, you might as well do so while wearing your favorite ballerina outfit.

Coffee is something that needs to be respected. Do not dilute “the bean,” with womanly condiments. It’s bad enough that you wear bullshit jackets, with all of them zippers on it; don’t demean yourself further by defiling the last manly beverage left on Earth (beer has been overrun by homofied micro-brewers).

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55 comments

  1. Le Fly

    Fuck everyone on this thread. So i am supposed to brew my coffee on the road, you fucking idiots?

    I hate all of you with great, non gay, emotion.

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  2. nd4spdgt

    Awesome.

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  3. scott

    who cares bout the market when you write like this…I’m going to throw my redi-whip in the garbage…

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  4. SlayingDragons

    A french press, a water filter, and some good coffee beans are all you need.

    Remarkably cheaper than that Starcrap

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    • Yogi and Boo Boo
      Yogi and Boo Boo

      Really? Real men would use a percolator, and really real men would just boil their coffee in a pan over a fire and let the grounds seattle [sic].

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  5. Dogwood

    Agree completely.

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  6. Anon

    Finally,

    Someone who gets it!! Preach your wisdom, master!

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  7. Capitan Dorko

    I was with you right up until your lack of beverage knowledge kicked in with that micro-brew commentary.

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    • JakeGint

      Agreud!

      Got my weekend started w. some Dogfish 90 Minute IPA.

      Makes that Bud Light latter-day Schlitz inna can seem like making love in a canoe…

      Ets facking close to wahtah, mate!

      __________

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  8. panamaorange

    Israel was very, very close to striking Iran. But three things have changed in the past week. And these 3 factors are severe

    1. Sanctions have come together (triggered by russian bombing)
    2. 15 billion dollar USA force shift from Iraq to afghanistan, (in opposite direction from iran)
    3. Israel is now bogged down in Gaza

    3 new issues, all developing in a week–that invalidate EVERYTHING the long oil speculators thought would occur.
    The USO longs are dead, they just need to wrench their bloated guts from their bloomberg terminals, and take about 5 steps before it hits them

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pA1N8KzGVg

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  9. hairychest

    H#LL, those pansies, even my teenage children know better than to order nothing less than Venti 3x(smokin) black eye.Very homo sapien of them!!

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  10. Caffeinated

    I prefer medium ground Italian roast using an old sock as a filter, made only with Chicago tap (southside).

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  11. sniper6

    if you want a cup full of cream and sugar, why ask for coffee?

    The only thing I put in my coffee is a spoonful of gunpowder. I also spread rust and axle grease on my toast.

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    • bushmantrades

      here’s my vote for comment of the day

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    • Yogi and Boo Boo
      Yogi and Boo Boo

      Yup – 5 stars…

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    • TheArtist

      stick or ball gunpowder?

      just asking.

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      • sniper6

        these days I have been having fun shooting an in-line. So I use 50 grain pyrodex pellets…one per cup. Or 2 per shot.

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  12. bushmantrades

    Starbucks Espresso roast whole beans freshly ground and brewed served with no cream or sugar, straight black is the best cup of coffe i’ve found. I agree with capitan dorko, microbrews r hardly homofied, miller lite is homofied. What about a nice cup of hot earl grey with 2 drops of honey? gay? or delightful?

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  13. SteveSever

    Any man buying his coffee in a Starbucks is borderline homo himself. It never ceases to amaze me the crap spewed on this pathetic blog, and the lap dogs that then lick it up. “The Fly” is a Grade A Queer.

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  14. Purdy

    This from a K-cup (K-Y) cowboy?

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  15. ok y not

    Wrong………………..

    Senor Fly is Bi………….

    Any Gentleman knows that

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  16. gsavli

    If you are a man, you are NOT ALLOWED to EVER order coffee…

    … in a Starbucks. Or drink that superdiluted stuff they call coffee in the US.

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  17. Fly Swatter

    Long Coffee Futures from 132.00

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  18. Hammy

    charlie utter gets pissed when he sees francis wilcott order a super duper latte:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X15It4sYLRI

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  19. MOOBS

    Illy, large quad shot americano with room for cream.

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  20. MarkVII

    Microbreweries have turned MillerCoorsBudLite into such wonders as Surly Furious and Goose Island Bourbon County Stout. The latter is like gnawing the inside of a malted bourbon barrel, in pourable form.

    Respect the bean.

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  21. Sam

    Here we are discussing about how to drink coffee when all the indices are making 18 month highs. Sh*t is f*cked up.

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  22. PAL

    PAL is going parabolic! Time to get in PAL NOW, I mean right now!!!

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    • Fly Leech

      I remember when my dad said that about silver back when he was following the Hunt brothers. I was by far the biggest mistake of his life.

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    • Respect4U

      If I was in Pal now would probably be my time to get out and possible short. Comments like those mark time for people to move out of Joe six pack and let them hold the bag for next 2% higher and then 20% lower

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  23. checklist

    That was so funny that I will download the ppt trial later. I have some pals, with whom I am destined to go to vegas this week, who spend 2 or 3 hours doing their/hair. They order these sins you describe

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  24. tgarfield

    F***ing right. I drink coffe black. I want to taste coffee.

    The ABSOLUTE worst at starbucks is waiting when your busy and just trying to get a coffee and run.
    Then some prick has to stand there for 15 minutes ordering and asking questions about the different ways it can be made. I can buy a f***ing car is less time. major peev of mine.

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  25. PPT scam

    It is good to see this fly cunt not talk about his failed position in VXX. LMAO

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  26. joe

    “Coffee is something that needs to be respected. Do not dilute “the bean,” with womanly condiments. It’s bad enough that you wear bullshit jackets, with all of them zippers on it; don’t demean yourself further by defiling the last manly beverage left on Earth (beer has been overrun by homofied micro-brewers).”
    ————————————————————-
    This is just too fucking good.
    Dude, your writing far supersedes your stock investment acumen, and you are very good at investing.
    I daily have a double shot with a tiny bit of whipped cream and a half a packet of the raw sugar.

    Out of SRS with a decent loss. Market just doesn’t wanna go down. I am not so convinced of the upside potential but the downside sure seems to be very, VERY limited. TNX over 4…what’s going on?

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    • JOE (from way down in Mexico)
      JOE (from way down in Mexico)

      PIKER

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    • tgarfield

      Drink coffee without the whipped cream and you wouldn’t have bought SRS.

      Market high (but way off 10 year highs where the SPX dividend was less and liquidity was lower) is not the same as I should go short. It means trim longs.

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    • SteveSever

      U sure it’s not JoeBLOW? Sucking a “Fly” seems easy for you.

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      • joe

        What cocksuckers!

        What reason do I have to suck up to anyone? other than giving credit where credit is due.
        If you had anything original/moving to say, I would give credit to you as well. Highly unlikely that you will ever have anything worthwhile. You mostly live on/by your attempts to put people down so you don’t feel so far down yourself, si? Let me break it to you, you are way the fuck down! Poor, pathetic filth. Now that you have been heard and got my attention/fix for few minutes, why don’t you kindly crawl down your deep hole and stay the fuck there. Oh, you might want to use your brain while down there. Just saying…

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  27. Alaskan

    When your heart gives out and you’re a gangrene diabetic, remind me how manly you are again.

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  28. mrkcbill

    Bravo!
    I’ll have a:
    3 shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel!

    Reminds me of this classic
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-w7XEEFyvs

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  29. Po Pimp

    I’ve said this before, but you fuckers just don’t seem to get it. Real man coffee… Community Dark Roast, add water, brew. That’s it. No fucking sugar, milk, whipped cream, nothing.

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  30. Longnek

    Best post you ever made. Please (seriously) keep on preaching about the lost art of being a man. It’s up to you Fly.

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  31. Longnek

    However, I have a question about your post:

    Is Whiskey, also, no longer a man’s drink?

    Kind Regards,

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  32. Heaterman

    Fly. I have discovered a K-cup to rival Timothy’s Italian roast, That being, Timothy’s Kona Blend. A most excellent brew. As to the condom ents (sic) some take with their coffee, I concur. Coffee should be imbibed much as my late Uncle Mel described his preference for the fairer sex…… Hot, Black and Strong.

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  33. spatula

    Coffee is not a mans drink you pussy’s! What is wrong with you! It was always a drink for those faint of hear you douchebags! don’t go touting it like a man’s drink….

    Sad and pathetic if coffee is your way to be a man… Man up you pussy, Fly’s just happy about his Coffee Roaster’s pick that’s all.

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  34. spatula

    faint of heart*

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  35. mrbighit

    What happened to all the rage with sipping tea and boiling water at the right temperatures??

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