The Important Matter of Mr. Doodles

Mr. Doodles was enjoying a generous serving of saltine crackers, cheddar cheese and a tall glass of water, at his dining room table, when his furnace rudely exploded. Quickly, he finished the plate of saltines, grabbed the cheese knife and glass of water, then raced over to the furnace, which had caught fire from the explosion. Thinking fast, Mr. Doodles threw his glass of water at the blaze, put his cheese knife on top of the flaming furnace, then waited for results.

Unfortunately, it had no effect.

Still quick on his toes, Mr. Doodles raced upstairs to get a fire extinguisher, that he kept neatly tucked away in the attic. Before grabbing the fire extinguisher, he went to his computer and checked on some emails, in a rushed fashion of course, for he was expecting some sort of very important reply. Cognizant of the task at hand, Mr. Doodles grabbed the fire extinguisher and hurried downstairs to fight the blaze.

When he got there, much to his chagrin, half of the furnace room was set ablaze and spreading fast to the living room. In valorous fashion, at the top of his lungs, he yelled at the blaze, saying: “Who art thou approaching my plasma television? I shall slay thee with this vat of foam!”

Before he uttered another word, the telephone in the dining room rang out. Quickly, he dropped the fire extinguisher and raced for the phone. He chatted away for about 5 minutes, while chewing on some saltines. Then he excused himself, exclaiming: “I art thou a fucking blaze to extinguish.”

By now, the blaze had spread to his living room and was about to devour his prized plasma television and silly DVD collection.

Mr. Doodles, with the firmness of a penis under the influence of 10 viagra pills, picked up the fire extinguisher and shouted out: “Thou art as good as a cadaver, old blaze. I shall slay you where you stand.” However, at that very moment, Mr. Doodles felt like smoking a cigarette.

Hurried, Mr. Doodles took out a Pall Mall cigarette and used the adjacent blaze to light it. Frantically and furiously, he puffed away at his cigarette, while watching and cursing the wretched blaze, as it spread from room to room, ripping through all of Mr. Doodles’ prized possessions, including his silly DVD collection.

Finally, he finished the much needed cigarette, and said to the blaze: “Motherfucker, I shall blow thee to the cliff and laugh at your burial. Prepare for death!”

With grit and determination, Mr. Doodles picked up the fire extinguisher and began to douse the stubborn inferno, with great zeal. Elated in triumph, Mr. Doodles sang songs of victory, as he put down the conflagration; when all of a sudden, a secondary explosion occurred in the furnace room, sending his cheese knife whizzing to his person, conclusively cutting off his cock.

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No respite.

Here I am, like some sort of CNBC asshat, waiting for a rally. I even got all excited and shit when the market went green this morning, thinking “This is it! We’re gonna fucking rally.”

I was elated with thoughts of walking around in white robes and leather sandals, basking in large capital gains. I planned to make fun of short sellers, while smoking cigars and eating caviar. Instead, I get a steel tipped boot to the face.

Warren Buffett is a fucking loser. I hope his stock goes to zero, with no breaks along the way. Straight to zero, then prison.

This is bullshit. I’m losing money over here, waiting for these jackasses in D.C. to get their acts together. From what I see now, I’ll be waiting until 2012, before the market can mount a rally.

For the love of green pickles and purple bags of marijuana, we’re fucked in a very egregious way.

Truth be told, I’ve had enough. First thing tomorrow morning, I am selling out of my longs and going on siesta. I need to take naps and drink beer. I need to drive around the city, in search of adventure.

My long exposure is limited, so all of this doom and gloom shit has little effect on me. At this point, losing money in this tape hurts my ego. It’s getting in the way of me making fun of you and that, as you know, is unacceptable.

It’s not just U.S. stocks that blow goat balls. Stocks suck on a global scale. There is no respite, when in the “funnel of fun death.”

Currently, I am just waiting for shoes to drop, while our moronic secretary of treasury, Geithner, twiddles with his thumbs while the country burns. As sure as I am sitting here, at some point this year, the S&P 500 will print 500. Nonetheless, I still believe in the notion that it is possible to enjoy a counter trend rally, prior to the markets death sentence is executed.

Not to get all political and shit, but Obama is out of control with his fucking plans. Seriously, dude, he is out of control and must be stopped. You cannot raise taxes and increase spending at the same time. More importantly, you cannot raise taxes on cap gains and dividends, while the market is crashing.

Asshats!

As an aside, storage related reits are toast, specifically EXR, SSS, YSI and even PSA. You may want to lean on those fuckers, whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Nevertheless, I am still waiting for a rally. Perhaps I will sit here, in my non-bullshit chair, for a long, long time.

UPDATE: Kudos to Cramer for calling Erin Burnett out for minimizing the recent decline. It’s about time someone set these morons straight.

I bought 15,000 PCR, in the $11.20’s.

Disclaimer: If you buy PCR because of this post, your neighbors dog will take daily dumps on your lawn. And, you may lose money.

There are certain laws of physics and natural order that mustn’t be disrupted. Along with gravity and angular momentum, The Laws of “The Fly” are to be respected at all times.

Watching Warren Buffett carry water for Obama this morning, while disagreeing with pretty much all of his policies, was shameful of him.

SHAME ON THE HOUSE OF BUFFETT.

Then, there was that idiot, Erin Burnett, telling her audience that some stocks were up, since the previous lows of November. In other words, she is painting the pig with gold. It’s fucking ridiculous already, with these CNBC people. They are just lying and hurting, lying and hurting, while cashing their fucking checks at the bank.

Cha-ching.

One thing is for certain: the era of paying rich dividends is over. One of my sources of laughter always came from publicly traded companies attempting to fleece and/or jack up the share prices, via issuing fat dividends or by way of share buybacks.

Case in point: XOM. Without XOM criminally manipulating their share price, via a 15 bill share buyback, the stock would be in the $40’s. Either way, XOM is still going to trade $45. However, before it does, the assholes who run XOM, like other U.S. corporations, will burn through cash, needlessly, via buybacks, in an effort to “save the share price.”

Again, XOM only has $6 in cash.

Finally, despite all of you grave yard fuckers, circle jerking to the end of times, I like stocks here. Don’t fuck with me; I’m much smarter than you and your stupid friends, combined.

Into this rally, I like PCR, FWLT, TNA, CY, JRJC, JNPR and many others.

Fuck all of you coffin lovers. Me and my boy Swan are going to make some money soon, on the long side.

Despite this economy being the laughing stock of the world, it’s still not the shitter, like  Russia and Europe, if you know what I mean. Quite simply, the rest of the world is deserving of a few hundred cluster bombs, dropped on their respective domes (you can use that phrase straight up or street slang, whichever you prefer).

While it’s true, President Obama is death to the markets, mainly because he is continuing and accelerating the bullshit policies of Bush. It’s also true that humans like to feel good about themselves, every so often. So, with the warm weather coming in and gas prices nice and cheap, we may be set up here for one fuck of a rally.

Either way, I will not invest more than 50% of my assets on the long side. Nonetheless, into a rally, you might want to bottom fish some cheap stocks, like PCR, ERTS, TTWO, CLF or fuck around with some levered etf’s UYM and TNA.

Believe me, I am tempted to buy 100,000 GE at these levels. However, their finance arm, GE Capital, is a fucking black box. I cannot put money into a black box.

For the most part, I want no part of the banks.

Other dice rolls include, but not exclusive to, UNH, HUM, FWLT, FLR, JNPR, WFR and ATHR.

UPDATE: Denninger is on fucking fire tonight.

Shut up, asshole.

It’s that time of year: iBC’s March Madness Contest.

Go sign up now. We will be handing out awards to the winners.

If you recall, no one received an award last year because “The Fly” himself embarrassed you fuckers and won the whole damn thing.

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