iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
20,053 Blog Posts

The Important Matter of Do it Yourself Plumbing

Prior to reading this important matter, please play the audio clip, located at the bottom of the page.

As you know, “The Fly” has never claimed to be handy. He finds it much easier hiring illegal Mexicans to fix stuff around the house.

However, once upon a time, Mrs. Fly demanded “The Fly” fix the bathroom shower head, which happened to be on the 2nd floor—directly above the living room.

Not knowing dick from a doorknob about plumbing, “The Fly” proceeded to “wrench” that “stupid shower head” off. It was quite cumbersome. The fucker wouldn’t budge, until he gave it a whack with the heavy part of his Godly wrench.

Much to “The Fly’s” chagrin, what followed the “wrench whacking” was nothing short of an “intra-house” disaster.

See, being too busy with important topics, such as kit-kat versus peanut butter cups, jam versus jelly and plasma versus LCD, “The Fly” neglected to shut off the water main.

Next, the water head busted off and his bathroom instantly became a fucking fish tank, with “The Fly” as its only occupant. He screamed for his wife to come “help,” while he was trying to salvage what little of the house was left, via bucketing freezing water out of the tub— into the nearby toilet bowl.

There was no stopping the flood. The tub was overflowing, profusely.

It was a race against insanity— with “The Fly” losing badly.

Then, I asked Mrs. Fly to “take over,” while I tried to locate and shut off the water main.

Ha!

Asshat!

I had no idea where it was, mainly due to just purchasing the house— 6 months prior.

In short, “The Fly” was forced to call the fire department, in order to rescue his fucking house from floating into the Atlantic Ocean.

The water was firing out of the shower head like a fucking dam wall had just been breached. By the time the firemen had arrived, it was raining in my living room, all over my “high-end” living area.

When the “comedy time” in “The Fly’s” 2nd floor bathroom had ceased, the damage was profound.

All in all, I had to replace the ceiling, 10 high hats, expensive as shit area rugs, couches, lamps and brand fucking new 2nd floor bathroom—for a grand total of: much more than most of you could afford.

At the end of the day, ironically, Mrs. Fly was quite pleased with my work, considering all the new crap I had to buy.

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48 comments

  1. JakeGint

    Listen, I know that you tell this in a humorous vein, and expect laffs from the slapstick, etc.

    But hear this: I feel your pain, and I thank you.

    I don’t need much “psychological reinforcement” to keep me away from the temptations of “home plumbing,” but every little bit helps.

    You may want to try my methodology — every time the urge to commit “home plumbing” reaches up on me in its sneaky arrogance, I go down the the basement utility room and apply a needlenose pliers to my thumb joint until the feeling goes away. Then, chastened, I am free I go call our expensive (but worth it) plumber.

    You can’t imagine the kind of money it saves me.

    _____________

    Also, w. regard to the wife being happy in the end, well, of course.

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  2. Dinosaur Trader

    Fly,

    As a DIY kind of guy, I can understand how troubling this situation must have been.

    Meanwhile, I counted two spelling errors(not to step on Woody’s normal line of attack).

    -DT

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  3. newequity

    That’s funny shit. You are too busy banking coin now to worry about shit like that. Buy the house next door if you have to and kick the illegals out.

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  4. The Fly

    Hey. Give me some time to proof read it.

    I just put it up, fucker.

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  5. BOOMER

    Wow. Was this recent?

    We had a similar situation, but in the kitchen. We live in an old house and much of the plumbing is not at first world standards. You know, buckets on the roof, attached to a “hose pipe” running down through the “windr” tied off with my HBS shirt.

    I’m at work, wifes at home, pipes under the sink burst, wife tries her best, runs outside screaming, elderly neighbor comes over with the “key” to shut off the water at the street. Decent damage, nothing to your extent.

    Feeling your pain in Nashville.

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  6. The Fly

    DT:

    You’re a fucking liar.

    “The Fly’s” last post was flawless.

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  7. gappingandyapping
    gappingandyapping

    Anyone want to bet a 4lb T-Bone Steak that UTEI.PK is up a shitload tomorrow?

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  8. gappingandyapping
    gappingandyapping

    oh and then its down just as much the following day.

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  9. Dinosaur Trader

    Fly,

    Anyway, all I’m saying is that you’re setting a low bar for that “tabbing” competition.

    That “shit” for “shut” was a good one.

    -DT

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  10. Idadime

    Two things I have learned regarding home repairs from my experience in the construction field:

    1. Hire a good contractor
    2. Stick by them every step of the way

    It sames a lot of time, money, and aggravation.

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  11. Dinosaur Trader

    However, despite the blatant errors, it was an entertaining story. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

    -DT

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  12. alphadawgg

    The moral of the story is that the Fly is prone to episodes of asshattery when it comes to home repairs and whatnot. Funny story.

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  13. Woodshedder

    Same thing happened to me, with the shower. Except my Dad was wrenching it, and I was underneath the house, with a cellphone, and a cold beer. Next to me was the whole house water shut off. You get the picture. Cell rings, “Turn it off, turn it off!”

    North = 0, South = 1.

    Seriously though, I totally understand how mad you must have been. Thanks for the laugh. I read it out loud to my wife.

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  14. PoorOkie

    Not to question The Fly’s superior intellect and design capabilies but has anyone mentioned that the new layout, color scheme, and load times suck, gay republican senator style?

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  15. The Fly

    Fuck you Pookie.

    Everything you just said is opposite of reality.

    Your pc blows.

    Load time is ace.

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  16. Steve

    Damn that sucks, fly. However that is quite asshattery of you not to know where your water valve is. Your man card is currently under review.

    I’ve got a little situation here, the garbage disposal has suddenly stopped working. I’m currently contemplating a DIY or calling a plumber.

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  17. The Fly

    I hope your garbage desposal goes haywire and eats your kitchen.

    My man card is much manlier than yours.

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  18. broken A

    SHIT happens FLY…..Doesn’t mean you have to post shit from “years ago”….For the next 5 business days, you’re better off talking about DRYS than your MANCARD-FUCKED kitchen….

    Echoing Zombie – Fly is God

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  19. Steve

    You have the fanciest man card around, fly.

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  20. The Fly

    My man card will cut your mustache off.

    DRYS is an OTB guy stock.

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  21. jeff

    ahoy, milk the Fly Buy TIF

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  22. kd

    you sir are a little loose in the head. How do you come up with this shit. Hey while pretending to be a plumber, did you atleast have the look, such as a tool belt and may be a plumber’s crack.

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  23. The Fly

    Jeff:

    http://www.ibankcoin.com/flyblog/index.php/2007/11/30/fly-buy-tif/

    Your Mother milks my goats.

    KD:

    I was doing this plumbing shit, while in boxers and a T-shirt, which posed numerous problems for me, as the firetrucks arrived.

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  24. Jamie

    EFUT (E-Future Information Technology) has a float of 1.8 million shares, with nearly 25% of them sold short! The company is making money, has a low P/E and is on the cusp of running into the $25-$32 levels.

    Check out the chart setups on EFUT:

    http://stockcharts.com/charts/gallery.html?efut

    The Point & Figure setup is giving us a $35 potential target on EFUT. It is now trading above the 5, 10, 20, 30, 50 and 200 day moving averages, and the RSI and MACD are confirming this.

    EFUT has broken the downtrend with the recent breakout above $18, and is forming a bull-flag. A break of $21.50 level will have it zoom up to $25-26, which is the next area of resistance.

    The EFUT shorts are in trouble.

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  25. Juju bear

    Boxers or briefs? Definitely boxers. Briefs are too constricting.

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  26. alphadawgg

    Were you wearing a “wife-beater” T-shirt?

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  27. The Fly

    How’s the new layout, assholes?

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  28. kd

    Stop man this visual is getting uglier and funnier.

    By the way here is a good article about the subprime mess.
    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/09/IN5BTNJ2V.DTL

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  29. Ragincajun

    This comment section is getting a little like DT’s blog, Gay!

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  30. jeff

    Just think The fly can produce milk as he re-purchases items.

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  31. jeff

    The Kobayashi Maru scenario was an infamous no-win scenario that was part of the curriculum for command-track cadets at Starfleet Academy in the 23rd century.

    In the 2250s, James T. Kirk became the first (and only known) cadet to ever beat the no-win scenario. After taking the test and failing twice, Kirk took the test a third time after surreptitiously reprogramming the computer to make it possible to win the scenario.

    http://www.memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru_scenario

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  32. Howie

    sounds K cool! I be over with the buggie boards and some Elton 8 tracks!

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  33. mrkcbill

    “I had no idea where it was, mainly due to just purchasing the house— 6 months prior.”

    Like you would know where it was if purchased 36 or 48 months prior. Funny shit.

    I made a deal long ago with all my contractors. They promise not to create advertising if I promise not to try and fix shit.

    Another way to look at it would be to turn on the Benny Hill music and watch a Plumber sift thru the WSJ.

    Fly- go get yourself a Manni/Peddi

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  34. Michelle B

    Damg, I almost cracked a rib laughing at your story of woe. Hell, just force feed your hilarious posts down the throats of those pesky old men instead of kicking them down the stairs, and you will be greeted with the pleasing sounds of cracking ribs without moving a muscle.

    The moral of your story is The Fly can and will never be washed out.

    BTW, I think the webmaster knows his stuff. The overwhelming tone of the prior orange which made you want to eat and run has morphed into a more appetizing (and not entirely gay) lighter golden orange tone that encourages you to stay and nibble until satiated.

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  35. gappingandyapping

    Now is the time to start nibbling, not chowing down, on UNG. We are back to the levels which are oversold and nearing the bottom we put in last time. If you don’t have energy start nibbling, DO NOT put it all on here, it can go to 33.

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  36. TraderCaddy

    I have a pretty bad leak (small stream) coming out of one of my PVC pipes (for a sprinkler)in the back by about ten citrus trees. It’s been going on for about two weeks and is now draining the aquifer IMO. The problem is I live on three acres and although I have lived here fifteen years the main shutoff for the property by the trees isn’t where it was about ten years ago when I last used it. No idea where the hell it went.
    I am waiting for help from my neighbor who is on a 45 day cruise. I am hoping he knows where it is.
    In the meantime the Atlantic Ocean is being lowered about two inches a day.

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  37. goatblowtacus

    That there is some funny sheit. Were you a comedian in your earlier life?

    :clapping:

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  38. John Clark

    Fly,

    Next time, shut the water off first. Always glad to help.

    JClark

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  39. BP

    CHEAP PRICK HIRE A PLUMBER NEXT TIME… TSK, TSK, TSK… TOO CHEAP!!!

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  40. Green Writer

    Hey Fly,

    Always try to DIY….just read a book or scroll the internet b4 you tinker. If you hire some1 then watch them like a hawk and learn.
    Its like the market; first you blow up a book and then another…and once again…then you learn something. Then you become master of the universe…or at least a little closer to being a M of U.

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  41. Eric Peterson

    I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

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  42. Devan Glenny

    Keep fighting the good fight.

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  43. Jim Walsh

    There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

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  44. tduhyvgf sbwknto

    rjkmu zgrwjxpd rtsnqjzl sqgidomrw rzpiw rgeyizkaq saeufjzmp

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  45. fly you fucktard taking off the shower head doesnt release water from the mains unless the shower taps were on this post is complete bullshit you jerkoff!

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  46. nice bit of reading but technically inaccurate asshole come clean this never happened did it

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  47. The Fly

    You’re right!

    It was the water handle.

    Finally, someone caught that.

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