iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
18,476 Blog Posts

Fly Landscapes the Back Yard — Nearly Murders Himself in First Ten Minutes at Play

I enjoy to garden and pretend that I know what I’m doing in the yard. Like most things, I am a pseudo intellectual when it comes to horticulture. I possess just enough knowledge to impress others, make myself look worldly and intelligent — when truth of the matter is I am a giant fucking fraud in the yard.

So I went out there today, in an effort to save ~$400 in landscaping fees, and attempted to hedge my bushes. My yard is about .55 acres, with about 35 trees, and lots of boxwoods (my favorite bush). I’ve been growing them out the past two years, in order to shape them into nice big round balls (no homo).

There I was with my electrical hedger, attached by a giant extension cord (you know where this is going) slicing away like a fucking lunatic — making a mockery of the shape called circle, when viola — I sliced right thru the live wire. Being a pseudo intellectual in electricity too, I cannot say for sure if my life was ever in peril, but I can say that the circuit breaker triggered and the live wire was about an inch away from roasting me to a cinder.

After the scare, I got a new cord and continued to Edward Scissorhand my way thru the yard, pretending to create art, when in fact I was doing nothing but creating a mess and making my landscaping looking like some fucking retard took garden scissors to it in a rage of autism.

Now my hands are literally vibrating from the experience, my boxwoods are oblong, and I’m out my favorite long extension wire, which I usually employ during Xmas decorations.

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19 comments

  1. moosh

    Pro tip, for maybe tomorrow? Under no circumstance is the riding lawnmower a tank. Do not try to ride over, or even ram objects bigger than what you are on, no matter how fast you are going. We need you in one piece these days, Fly.

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  2. acehood

    Yeah, best outsource that labor.

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  3. heckler

    You’re kinda a pussy for a 1/2 acre. 120 volts can’t kill you just tingles a little. Also, you should be trimming with gas powered equipment, Fly.

    So whilst trying to navigate to this site I inadvertently typed in “i” to stockcharts. What do we know about Intelsat other than it’s going straight up?

    http://stockcharts.com/h-sc/ui

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    • Dr. Fly

      Go fuck yourself.

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      • heckler

        Electric trimmers are good for nose hairs and pussy hairs. Take your grocery budget and buy a god-damned high powered American made gas powered yard murderer! Creatine or veggies, you wouldn’t last a day if the shit really hit the fan.

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      • zeena

        touchy touchy

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  4. fryguy15

    One would think that it’s possible to do as fine of a job gardening as the service. Turns out, you can’t. Disappointing but it’s the truth.

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  5. joltin joe

    I tell my son in baseball the most improvement occurs between the 1st & 2nd game of the season – so try again – I made pumpkin bread the other day for the 1st time – it was horrible – tried again a week later & bread was Martha Stewart-esque

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  6. zeena

    First of all: I always love your writing!! So witty!!
    Second. Fuck that gardener shit. You can sculpt boxwood. Just practice and fuck what the neighbors think about your “roundness” One of the biggest pleasures in life is learning how to do your own shit including looking after your yard. Who cares how much money you have. This is about quality of life . . . .

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  7. zeena

    ps It’s only 10:58 pm in Canada
    but I have had “a drink”

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  8. 1618

    first time ,long time.

    electric trimmers, ??? I would love to hear a good story of you using and axe .According to my calculations you could surely embed an axe about 1.5 inches into your shin. lemme know.

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  9. juice

    How doest thou fit 35 trees into 0.55 acres? You trying to grow a forest, brah?

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  10. probucks

    HAHAHAHHA
    articles like this make my day

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  11. joe mama

    two words – landscape, service.

    try it.

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  12. biffer

    i was thought you were losing your touch..i stand corrected.

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