I enjoy to garden and pretend that I know what I’m doing in the yard. Like most things, I am a pseudo intellectual when it comes to horticulture. I possess just enough knowledge to impress others, make myself look worldly and intelligent — when truth of the matter is I am a giant fucking fraud in the yard.
So I went out there today, in an effort to save ~$400 in landscaping fees, and attempted to hedge my bushes. My yard is about .55 acres, with about 35 trees, and lots of boxwoods (my favorite bush). I’ve been growing them out the past two years, in order to shape them into nice big round balls (no homo).
There I was with my electrical hedger, attached by a giant extension cord (you know where this is going) slicing away like a fucking lunatic — making a mockery of the shape called circle, when viola — I sliced right thru the live wire. Being a pseudo intellectual in electricity too, I cannot say for sure if my life was ever in peril, but I can say that the circuit breaker triggered and the live wire was about an inch away from roasting me to a cinder.
After the scare, I got a new cord and continued to Edward Scissorhand my way thru the yard, pretending to create art, when in fact I was doing nothing but creating a mess and making my landscaping looking like some fucking retard took garden scissors to it in a rage of autism.
Now my hands are literally vibrating from the experience, my boxwoods are oblong, and I’m out my favorite long extension wire, which I usually employ during Xmas decorations.
Here are the top/worst performing sectors in Exodus YTD. Any surprises?
Pro tip, for maybe tomorrow? Under no circumstance is the riding lawnmower a tank. Do not try to ride over, or even ram objects bigger than what you are on, no matter how fast you are going. We need you in one piece these days, Fly.
I will not attempt to lawnmower
Yeah, best outsource that labor.
I outsource labor you absolute catamite. I just wanted to run thru the yard with something that looked like a chainsaw.
Cool avitar
You’re kinda a pussy for a 1/2 acre. 120 volts can’t kill you just tingles a little. Also, you should be trimming with gas powered equipment, Fly.
So whilst trying to navigate to this site I inadvertently typed in “i” to stockcharts. What do we know about Intelsat other than it’s going straight up?
http://stockcharts.com/h-sc/ui
Go fuck yourself.
Electric trimmers are good for nose hairs and pussy hairs. Take your grocery budget and buy a god-damned high powered American made gas powered yard murderer! Creatine or veggies, you wouldn’t last a day if the shit really hit the fan.
touchy touchy
One would think that it’s possible to do as fine of a job gardening as the service. Turns out, you can’t. Disappointing but it’s the truth.
I tell my son in baseball the most improvement occurs between the 1st & 2nd game of the season – so try again – I made pumpkin bread the other day for the 1st time – it was horrible – tried again a week later & bread was Martha Stewart-esque
You want topiary. Check this out. Street view 2012 or earlier.
https://www.google.ca/maps/@49.2721178,-123.1664099,3a,75y,161.29h,96.86t/data=!3m7!1e1!3m5!1sOf1HPs22mfXQkkwGgvMIPA!2e0!5s20120701T000000!7i13312!8i6656
First of all: I always love your writing!! So witty!!
Second. Fuck that gardener shit. You can sculpt boxwood. Just practice and fuck what the neighbors think about your “roundness” One of the biggest pleasures in life is learning how to do your own shit including looking after your yard. Who cares how much money you have. This is about quality of life . . . .
ps It’s only 10:58 pm in Canada
but I have had “a drink”
first time ,long time.
electric trimmers, ??? I would love to hear a good story of you using and axe .According to my calculations you could surely embed an axe about 1.5 inches into your shin. lemme know.
How doest thou fit 35 trees into 0.55 acres? You trying to grow a forest, brah?
HAHAHAHHA
articles like this make my day
two words – landscape, service.
try it.
i was thought you were losing your touch..i stand corrected.