I know the globally warmed winter has spoiled you with balmy weather. But tonight you are going to be reintroduced to a blast from the past, Old Man Winter. He lives in Boston, apparently, and he’s going to bury you alive.

By this time tomorrow, your towns will look like Pompeii. Instead of hot lava pouring down on your towns, incinerating everything in it, the exact opposite will occur.

EVERYBODY IS GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH BY WAY OF THE ICICLE.

Grocery stores (SWY) will soon sport bare cupboards, thanks to the elimination of the North East highway system (GVA)–shut down, enshrouded by snow. Criminally insane (CXW) people will roam the streets in search of milk (DF), eggs (CALM) and bread (FLO). You will be forced to beat them about the head and chest to keep them out of your home, or perhaps shoot them in their heads (SWHC)– as the fight for survival hits a fevered pitch.

Do yourselves a favour and travel (Pii) to your local WFM or TFM to stockpile up on at least 6 months worth of canned goods (BGS), preferably organic (HAIN). Buy lots of rock salt (CMP) and plenty of shovels (LOW). While you’re at it, buy a few generators (GNRC), along with at least 10 containers (Justrite, privately held) of gasoline (WNR).

Brace yourselves, alongside a black mug filled with the blackest coffee (GMCR)– and some snacks (LNCE). Watch a few comedic films (NFLX) and spend some quality time with your loved ones (CHD, FHCO)– for your days on this earth are quickly drawing to an end (CSV).