This Morning’s Movers and Shakers

S&P futs -9, oil up 0.5%, gold -0.4%, dollar -0.33% v euro

Higher

AXN +23.1%; who give a shit?, SAP +5.8%; German nonsense, JNJ +1.1% (earnings, $10 bill share buyback), FAST +0.5%; boring.

WPP +37.2% (Wausau Paper to be acquired for $10.25), BUD +2.2% on becoming the Italian mafia of beers.

TAP up 12.5% because people think someone will buy them. Like who? There is only one beer company in the world now.

PLX +29.6% (they cut a deal with PFE), AEZS +15.4% (some bullshit study), UNXL +9.6% (manipulation), GTXI +5.9% (FDA clearance to begin trials. This is really not news), YECO +6% ( Some Chinese airport contract), FRO +5.6% (mystery), PACB +3.4% (confirmed earnings release date will be Oct 22 after the close), CEL +2.3% (mystery!), ETP +1.8% (Cramer pump magic), TWOU +1.1% (post Citron report bounce).

Analyst comments: TRCO +1% (initiated with a “this is good” at Evercore), TOL +0.6% (upgraded to The Shizzle from Aight at Morgan Stanley), POT +0.6% (upgraded to The Bomb from Okay at Bernstein), CGNX +0.5% (initiated with GOOD SHIT at Cowen), SWHC +0.4% (resumed with a H.A.M. at Wedbush), MTX +0.3% (upgraded to Bomb Diggity from Nonsense at KeyBanc Capital Mkts)

Lower

Fucked up earnings: FMC -9.4%, R -6.4%, AIXG -6.3%, DFRG -4.9%, SMSI -4.8%, XRX -1.5% .

Euro-land banks sucking wind: HSBC -4.1%, BCS -3.7% (to name former JPMorgan banker Jes Staley as its new CEO, according to reports), RBS -2.4%, SAN -2.2%, CS -1.9%, DB -1.9%.

ZFGN -36%; canceled investor conference, fucked.

Metals and miners back to sucking again: BBL -2.9%, BHP -2.9%, MT -2%, KGC -2%, RIO -1.9%, FCX -1.9%, GDX -1.8%, AEM -1.5%, SLW -1.4%, NEM -1.4%, GLD -0.7%.

Oil and Gas stocks that are embarassing themselves this morning: BP -2.2%, PBR -2.2%, STO -1.9%, RDS.A -1.8%, TOT -1.5%, SDRL -1.5%.

Even airlines are down. Maybe this is the end of the world?: AAL -2.3% (downgraded to Horseshit from Quality Meal at Evercore ISI), ALK -2.0% (downgraded to Zero Interest from Wow, this is Cool at Evercore ISI) SKYW -1.5% (downgraded to Persona Non-Grata from VIP at Raymond James), JBLU -1.3% (downgraded to Fuck Airlines from Airlines Rock at JP Morgan), UAL -1.4%

CANF -6.2% (dilution; insiders don’t care), COLL -5.4% (FDA shits on them), TC -4.7% (Who gives a shit?), EOX -3.3% (lenders getting cold feet), FIG -2.6% (closing a macro hedge fund that obviously sucked), NVO -2.3% (mystery!), CCL -0.9% (expands into China, which is a scam), LLY -0.6% (continuing yesterday’s droll behavior).

Analyst comments: ACI -2.2% (downgraded to Offal at JPMorgan).

Britain’s inflation rate came in negative for only the second time since the 1960’s. CPI numbers, worldwide, are painting a very deflationary picture, one that has us fucked as investors.

Everything is pointing to a red opening, with France leading the way down 1.5%.

US NASDAQ futures are off by 19; our Fed is retarded.

A merger of swills, a true white trash marriage if I’ve ever seen one.

The Budweiser maker offered 4,400 pence a share in cash for a majority of the shares in its nearest competitor, gaining brands such as Peroni and Grolsch, and giving it control of about half the industry’s profit. The price is 46 percent above SABMiller’s closing value on Sept. 15, the day before the companies disclosed they were in contact about a potential bid

This is further evidence that credit is in great supply. The end of the world has been delayed.

What a wonderful class of companies.

Fuck all the VCs and investment bankers who priced these deals.

This evening on CNBC, Dennis Gartman, told his audience to ‘fade crude’, in egregious terms. He thinks “hedgers” are coming back into the market and that $50 might be a top. CNBC host, Melissa Lee, called him out, saying “just last week you were never as bullish on crude. What’s changed?”

He then hem and hawed and said “oil would never go to $75” and how it “couldn’t get past $60” because of ‘hedgers’.

He closed out his missive saying ‘crude oil has lost my interest.’

Him and the fucking hedgers.

My take: D. Gartman just fucked himself. Prepare for $75 crude. The stock gods mock Dennis on a regular basis.

Discuss.

I am going to remain consistent for the sake of clarity and sanity. There are many more NASDAQS to be had in this market. My set back today is nothing more than a way station on my way towards hedonistic greatness, the type of greatness that causes a person to pop off champagne corks into other people’s faces and then crack said bottle over their heads.

I have it in me to see this through. The oil barrel will, once again, fill with riches of maganaminous splendour. Investors will crowd around their hot terminals to visit iBankCoin, eternally grateful for their new web design and sage advice.

By year’s end, I would have utterly destroyed and cannibalised all of my enemies, vanquishing them admist great fires, smoke, and chards of metal.

“The Fly” is the truth in a sea of lies, a person with great distinction and certitude.

I will have my day atop the mountain, urinating on all below. Sadly, such a day is not today.

I hope you’re all enjoying the share price performance of some of our best and brightest companies, led by the coolest fucking hipsters in Silicon Valley.

I can’t wait until Duck, Duck Go comes public.

Motherfuckers.

I can’t say that I didn’t know commodity stocks weren’t extended. I mean, they were up 50% last week. In a way this is a natural reaction to a beast mode move. If I were optimistic, I’d call today’s 4% drubbing in crude, and subsequent 7% collpase in oil stocks, as a buying opportunity.

My exposure is limited to SLCA and CNX. Remember I became a fucking coal man again last week?

The problem with momemtum stocks is that there isn’t any momemtum, if you know what I mean. I keep waiting for the good times to roll and I keep getting disappointed by the jaded outcome.

Maybe this is the market we are stuck with, one that rapes and pillages until all of the citizens are foraging for food, bankrupted through speculation.

As an aisde, SHAK is now an oil stock too. That stock has gone straight down ever since the morons who run it decided to sell a gazillion shares in a secondary. The market loathes this type of behavior, greedy little VC fuckers, insiders who are devils, taking advantage of Wall Street’s high valuation to ingratiate themselves with riches.

A stock can remain expensive only if Wall Street believes the insiders are trustworthy, wholly committed to preserving shareholder value, and executing at the highest levels. Any chinks in that armor will send the stock swooning lower, until confidence is restored.

Before this company came public, I plotted and schemed ways to get in on the IPO. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get access. I guess I wasn’t important enough. I bought the shares in the after-market in the low $20’s and rode it up into the high $20’s, only to see it crashing down into the low teens. At that low point in time, I lost a small fortune, but was still optimistic about the prospects for the company.

I loved the product and had faith in its CEO, Jeremy Stoppleman, but not anymore.

Over the past year, YELP has morphed from a cool upstart tech company into a high pressured boiler room, with goons assiged to extort restaurant owners. These monsters cold call until the midnight moon appears, threatening away, meanacing store owners with bad reivews and a little wink wink and an elbow to the ribs to let them know all could be well if they simply became a “preferred” member.

The Italian mafia would be very proud.

The result of this sales approach has led to continuous disaster and bad will amongst people who use the platform. The stock has gone straight down from highs in the $70’s to the low $20’s again, all the while insiders of the stock liquidate and jet set around the world like bank robbers.

About a year ago I sold the majority of my YELP shares (I kept a little for “just in case”), after listening to one of their conference calls thinking to myself “these people are retarded.”

Now I know those people are retarded, seeing its stock become a wasteland for naive shareholders who keep waiting for YELP to get their shit together.

If you like money, avoid shares of YELP as if it were a ski-masked goon running after you and your wallet.

It’s cool that the market is up today because I am down about a gazillion dollars. All of the hottest commodity plays are being dismembered and their body parts placed on a pike.

Oil is off by 2%, but your average oil stock is down about 7%. Very nice.

Hiding out in tech? That’s a fucking problem. Shares of PANW, YELP, TWTR–poof–gone, right down the sewer pipe.

At least the IBB is up. But GILD is down, so fuck me.

LLY is having a fine day, down 8%. Or how about VMW, down 8.5% on the Dell-EMC merger news?

This ia shaping out to be a horrid day and I could accept it if the market was down 500. But seeing it up a cool 45 makes me want to punch a hole through my fucking monitor right now.