Should my plane blow up en route to Europe, just know that I never liked any of you and feel happy to have hated you all of these years. I’ve spent a good portion of my entire life fending off animals in these halls, blocking and banning — always fighting with malcontents — who thankfully have mostly gone away since Twitter took over and Stocklabs Pelican Room dominates the discussion.
Nevertheless, I remain obstinate in the belief that I am the very best trader in the world and will continue to believe that until my last dying breath.
On that notion, I am DOWN 50BPS in what could be my last trading session — thanks to quantitative chicanery and a market filled with tricks and follies. Everyone piled in this morning after the CPI data and were soon dispatched with losses — because we already know all of that shit. The only thing that matters, dare I say, is whether or not THE CHARLES SCHWAB CORPORATION is bankrupted or not. I have a liberal piece of shit customer inside Stocklabs who used to be a bank analyst and thinks I am crazy for even suggesting it. In between his UNICEF and DNC galas, this person has concluded there is no banking crisis and it’s all made up by right wing nut jobs attempting to dissuade the American people from supporting LGBTQI and Ukrainian rights in Kiev.
I can only hope and pray to my God that he is wrong and his Satanic belief in banks dispatched seaward. I remain steadfast in my belief that, for example, it’s all a scam. This paranoia helps fuel my cogent investment stratagems of 150% leveraged and hedged net SHORT because fuck you — that’s why.
I have another friend who I named “The Devil” because he looks like what I imagine the devil would look like. He’s also very bullish and attends NATO gatherings whenever they throw soirees in NYC. He’s a big believer in virtually anything the government does and says — and has received in excess of 5 BOOSTER shots to date — because why the fuck not? If it’s good for Pfizer it’s good for him. After all, trusting the science and men like Dr. Fauci is what life is all about. At any rate, he’s bullish, like I said, but deep down — not so much. He only pretends because of the fun nature when pretending and his LONG ONLY hedge fund demands it.
Lastly, I have a Polish customer inside Stocklabs who is very much like me — but with a little more hair and less grit. He likes to CAVORT around Chicago in stretched limousines and listen to gangster rap music — whilst perusing looters in his neighborhood shop. He’s also very bearish, like me, and has a very good knack for trading ranges. If I should perish during my trip, I’d strongly suggest heeding his trading advice and dietary recommendations. However, I do suggest you strongly ignore his opinions on cigars, wine, art, and anything of cultural value — as he was born and raised in a country that feeds its people cold cabbage for breakfast and doesn’t really have worthwhile contributions to consider it to be a first rate power.
Ciao and good day!
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