NEW QUANT STRATEGY ENACTED: LET THE GAINS BEGIN

Sirs —

After months of toiling in search of the Holy Grail — I have finally found it! I am now in possession of a Stock Market Elixir that can both EXTEND your lifespans, your penis, as well as your market returns.

The crux of the situation is, I have found it and that’s all there is to it. Barreling into today like a bloated barrel ass, I shed 70bps at the open and felt fat and slovenly — disgusting even. But under this new stratagem, I feel free and agile, thin and powerful. I bet if I tried, I could punch the head off a Mexican homeless man if I wanted to.

WHAT DOES IT DO?

It permits the quant to shift, sashay even, from growth to olde man stocks — back to growth — as it deems fit.

I don’t intend to blog here forever. Eventually, just like the rest of you, I’ll drop dead. However, the quant will persist and I’ll rig up some 500 year website hosting deal upon my death to have it continue to operate as if I were alive. I might even program it to blog in my stead and yell at my customers whenever the mood arises.