Gentlemen Do Not Wash Their Clothes

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When I was in my 20s I’d walk in public with jeans, cotton shirts, shorts and even hoodies. Then when I became a man, a true man, I tossed all of my shorts and made sure all of my pants were pressed and my winter garb cashmere or high quality wool. My shirts would be button down and tucked in and on occasion I’d slum it and wear a t-shirt. This evolution in my style faced stiff resistance at home with Mrs. Fly, who preferred that I wore perhaps sports jerseys and maybe some novelty t-shirt — and maybe some ripped jeans. Sorry to disappoint, but I am built from studier stuff.

About a decade ago, and I will remember this like it was yesterday for the balance of my life, my mother in law destroyed my entire collection of cashmere sweaters, by washing and drying them all, very hot, and into a burning dryer. Apparently she believed such a material would resist and be immune to the hostile environs of an oven turning over and over, tumbling even. Over the years much of my wardrobe has been destroyed in the wash, pants that made their way into the machines, sweaters that bled their colors onto said pants etc etc.

A common argument at House Fly is “why do you buy clothes that require dry cleaning?” To that my response is clear, “a gentleman does not wear clothes that are washed in domestic machines. Good day to you.” This always draws her ire and prompts her to remind me that her wardrobe doesn’t require such a service.

“Sounds like a you problem” — and the soliloquy of nonsensical banter goes back and forth until it reaches a heave. It’s never-ending and malignant. Why, just today my only cashmere scarf was tossed into the wash and dried and destroyed. I was told after the fact that “it was a very hard and rough scarf — why do you buy such things?” To that, me being years older and wiser, I simply smiled and declared “it was a dreadful old thing — we should throw it away at once.”

Younger readers of this site might be up in arms right now, reading this travesty, this crime against fine clothing. But what’s done is done and the fastest way towards divorce is engaging one’s spouse in nonsensical debates. A man should never engage a woman in emotional debates — because it serves no purpose. It’s best to placate, ignore even, become scarce, control the mood by removing yourself from the argument. If your loved one prefers to argue with herself, do not get in her way.

As for my cashmere scarf, I now know to keep them out of reach from the cleaning machine and will see to it next time to Anne Frank the fucker far out of reach from the authoritarian regime that patrols this house.