Here’s What We Need to Crash This Fucking Market

Morning gents, Jungle.

I woke up this morning wondering about market crashes and what it might take to see to it we get our fair share. This is America, after all. We do everything big.

Back in 2008, we had a pussy decline of 75% from the top. People were out in the streets, heads split open from the old diverooni off the rooftop — amid bank failures and margin calls that made people’s eyes bleed. Almost everyone I polled for this article believes we should double those losses the next crash, something akin to the tulip mania popping and all of those fucking morons stuck with flower bulbs that price of your house.

The Federal Reserve has been firmly in control of markets and nothing really stands in their way, until now! We have a wondrous President who shits on the Fed almost every day. Perhaps Powell might say one morning “enough is enough with this shit” and resign. That might help push this ball over the hill and down into the sewers.

For the immediate term, we need bond yields to continue lower. This confuses the fuck out of people and makes them nervous. See bond yields only drop when shit is hitting the fan. The fact that yields are flat today is a bad sign for fellow bear-shitters.

Oil. We need that to careen lower. No more impromptu drone attacks on Saudi oil fields. That shit cannot be tolerated anymore. We need oil to cascade lower, because it’ll make people believe China is fucked — which is true anyway.

China. We need them to stop jimmy-rigging their numbers, so we can see the carnage taking place in their economy. Once we see that, we can rout their currency and then spread rumors of ‘capital flight’ followed up with some choice Kyle Bass tweets.

Gold. Pomp eet. The higher it goes the more fucked Powell is and it really helps the doomers feel rich, which will crescendo into the public square with arrogant loud mouthed pricks offering doomsday predictions for the global economy, buttressed by an air of success emanating from the gold mines of Canada.

I have about a dozen more of these golden nuggets — but find it halfway retarded to blog about since futures are flat and no one seems to care about risk or the idea stocks could trade lower for more than 2 or 3 days in a row.

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