Goldman: ‘$35 Crude is Goldilocks Perfect’

Perfect for whom, exactly?

In a report out tonight, the G men feel $35 crude is the perfect price to bankrupt all of the marginal players to hell, causing rapid and large scale layoffs in America, which in turn will permit the Saudis to continue pumping at their heart’s delight–effectively paving the way for a sustainable 2017 recovery–once America is out of the way.

“We view our second-quarter 2016 oil outlook as an idealistic Goldilocks scenario,” the analysts wrote in the report. “We would use volatility to add to positions of shale productivity winners and the next rung down.”

Goldman said it favors U.S. producers EOG Resources Inc., Diamondback Energy Inc. and PDC Energy Inc. as well as stocks in “the next rung down” — Hess Corp., Cenovus Energy Inc., Anadarko Petroleum Corp., Encana Corp., Continental Resources Inc. and Whiting Petroleum Corp. While the bank predicts WTI crude prices will average $35 a barrel in the second quarter, it forecasts $38 for 2016 and $57.50 for next year.

Funny thing is, I doubt the blockheaded analyst who uttered these words put 2 and 2 together, as they’re always thinking macro, global, views. I understand it’s their job and they’re simply making projections. That’s all fine and dandy. But is anyone discussing the ramifications of these fucking bubbles coming and going out of the American economy, which is causing massive disruptions in the American work force?

We see a lot of idiot jobs being created in this country, replacing the one shining star in American industry–oil and gas. By 2017, effectively, those jobs will be exported overseas too, as American production halts and we start importing foreign oil again.

Wonderful.

Fed’s Kaplan is out tonight with hawkish comments on the US economy, suggesting that 1.9% growth is enough to start tightening.

“We’re approaching that time where I think it would be prudent to remove some accommodation,” he said.

He did, however, provide insight into why the Fed hasn’t been hiking like rabid dogs all these idle months.

“I thought we’d be wise to, in light of what just happened in the first part of the year [in global markets], we’d be wise to turn over few more cards and be patient,” the central banker said.

Fed’s Kaplan summarizes his philosophy on life.

“Being cautious or patient doesn’t mean standing still.”

Draw your own conclusions.

You’re literally the guys playing the violin as the fucking Titanic cracked in half and descended into the cold, murky, waters of the Atlantic.

According to the book-worms at S&P Global Market Intelligence, earnings for Q1, 2016 are on pace to donkey-punch its shareholders and catapult their dead, diseased corpses into foreign cities for immediate incineration.

Earnings will, inexorably, fall hard, by as much as 7.9%–led lower by energy. Incidentally, energy will post its first loss ever. That’s ever with a capital E.

Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure the financial heavy S&P will bail out the earnings parade, no?

Actually, the opposite will occur. Investment banks are nose-diving, headlong, into cement pools–vacated of any semblance of water. Everyone is heading towards their very worst earnings since the Great Recession, a singular great reason to barrel into idiot stocks careening towards annual highs.

Tech?

Heading for a -5.9% earnings decline for Q1.

Try again.

Markets crushed to the upside, lifted by Fed minutes that said nothing. Moreover, oil spiked after the EIA stats showed a drawdown from inventories that are so immense, so massive, that it’s causing oil men to lease tankers to store it– and generally burn that shit into the atmosphere to reduce supply.

All in all, the bears were flogged at the gibbet again, utterly humiliated and overcome by discomfited losses.

As for me, I am long TLT with 25% of my assets, long SPY with another 25% and short XLE with another 25%.

The remainder has been in cash since Monday.

My prognosis is especially dire. The higher we go, the sharper the drop will be. God willing, the markets will climb very high indeed, making the forecasted fall all the while more interesting.

We are heading into a world that has Rafael Cruz trying to shove bibles down our necks– and earnings of a bad varietal looming. I promise you, your giddy demeanor will soon morph into utter agony and disbelief.

The Devildog is coming.

Checkered pants wearing Chase Coleman III, from the private country club golf course, who also run Tiger Global, got poleaxed to the tune of 22% last quarter, amidst a sundry of boondoggled investments that left his investors in ruins.

Among some of his low brow holdings are NFLX, JD, FLT and homosexual furniture retailer RH.

His losses are a stark reminder to all those out there wearing checkered pants: karma is coming for you bitches.

It’s also worth noting, his ‘family office sized fund’ of just $6 billion was flat for March, sitting out the rally of epic proportions that ingratiated the unwashed and uneducated masses towards steak dinners and champagn cock’d-tails.

Some of Chase’s other bowsers include DATA, VIPS, and Frederick Wilson’s junkyard, ETSY.

‘Inflation’ was mentioned 117 times and ‘fuckery’ zero. The Fed minutes revealed a divergence in opinions regarding rate hikes. Seemingly, the only thing holding Yellen back from jacking them higher is the word ‘global.’

Stocks are holding their gains, post minutes, with the Nasdaq higher by 51.

People are going crazy in this country.

A flight attendant on a United Airlines plane deployed the emergency exit slide after landing at Bush International. She then proceeded to drop her bag off the plane and slide down the fucking chute, like the lunatic she apparently is. After reaching the ground, she picked up her bag and walked away.

Passengers on the plane were dumbfounded by what they just witnessed. It must’ve been like a scene straight out of the movie Airplane.

UAL shit-canned her.

“We hold our employees to the highest standards. This unsafe behavior is unacceptable and does not represent the more than 20,000 flight attendants who ensure the safety of our customers. We are reviewing this matter and the flight attendant is no longer employed by United.”

Pershing Square is listed on the Amsterdam exchange, so they had a nice little conference call today–where Ackman discussed how stupid everyone at his company is and how they will continue to make misinformed and malevolent decisions for their stakeholders.

“I describe ‘experience’ as making mistakes and learning from them,” said Ackman.

Then he rambled on about how many mistakes they all made, squandering billions of dollars and acting like general fools during the whole VRX ordeal.

But it’s imperative you understand his most important point.

Let’s not handwring over these missteps now. There will be a time and place for that (hopefully never, duh). But now is the time to fix the problems and Valeant is now considered to be a ‘classic Pershing Square investment’– just like Jc Penney and Herbalife short.

They’re in the process of fixing the problem.

Shares of VRX are screaming higher, as clowns file out of the clown car–rushing to buy in. Today’s move is the largest single day spike for VRX in more than 10 years.

What sort of shit is this you ask? Well, Pfizer wants to reward three executives, one who has already left the company, for failure.

Mikael Dolsten, president of worldwide research and development, and John D. Young, group president of global established pharma business, will each receive a million bucks (easy come, easy go) because the company believes they  “would have an important role in consummating the combination with Allergan and successfully integrating the two businesses.”

Naturally. That’s like giving a baseball player a bonus for being the MVP in a World Series, in spite of finishing last place.

These hypothetical scenarios playing out at PFE are an insult to shareholders, and show a total disregard for shareholders capital. It’s not like the government came out of left field with their disapproval of tax inversions. They’ve been hammering away at these deals for years. You’d think the geniuses at Pfizer would have retained the right lobbyists and advisors to make an informed decision, before entering into a $160 bill deal.

Absurd.

Oh, they’re also paying AGN a $150 million break up fee for their troubles.

Lastly, former employee, Albert Bourla, is also getting a $1 million reward–just for being at the right place at the right time. Even though he’s not with the company any longer and would not have played an integral role in the newly formed asshole of a company — he’s still cool enough to deserve a mill for his troubles.