WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

I haven’t slept in 36 hours. Christmas exploded throughout my house, decorations everywhere. Yet, I continue to sulk and mope, plot and scheme, during a time when I should be cheerful and optimistic. Why do I do it?

I’m not just managing my own bullshit accounts like the lot of you, see. I have responsibilities to others and have been charged with maintaining and growing the assets of others. Much to my chagrin, none of that has panned out in 2014, quite the opposite actually.

It’s almost common knowledge now that the market is destined to fail. I can walk down the street and ask small school children or crossing guards and they will tell me so. After all, we’ve been given a $500 billion tax cut and that simply won’t stand. All of the oil wells here in the northeast have been shut down and workers laid off. I am told if you fire oil workers before Xmas, as a manager, you get a bonus. Therefore, oil managers everywhere are firing as many oil workers as possible for the holiday season.

I read somewhere that Apple products are being bought like fucking mad inside Russia, like Miami Zombie crazy. Apparently the communist bastards over there fancy our capitalistic electronics as a form of currency, instead of their toilet paper rubles. Think about it. It makes sense.

If Putin says Russia is being targeted by the west and its currency broken on purpose, he would’t be lying. With $400 billion in cash reserves there is little reason to target Russia. There are plenty of others countries, like Australia and Canada, who suck more. Nevertheless, Russia is the enemy, despite the fact that Canada burned down our fucking white house and is filled with loyalists to the British Crown.

Tomorrow we get to hear what Janet Yellen has been up to. I bet she’s been drinking plenty of egg cremes and has been visiting her podiatrist regularly. In light of this human crisis, massive deflation and subsequent panic, I am sure she will suggest that the Federal Reserve intends to HIKE rates and usher in the apocalypse. Then a giant centaur will stomp its way through the NYSE and begin biting off the heads of traders, whilst slapping others with its giant centaur cock.

Merry Christmas.