July 4th is a day for white trash to bask in their undignified glory. For those of you living that sort of lifestyle, oblivious to how one might throw a proper white trash 4th of July party, “The Fly” is here to help. With the assistance of my readership, as well as many other people who I’ve met growing up in Brooklyn, this is your “how-to” guide on having an ‘un-gentlemanly” Independence Day.
When you wake up in the afternoon, after a solid night of drunken debauchery, you should feed the children something sugary, like Captain Crunch cereal and/or frozen panned cakes (extra syrup).
Now that your parenting for the day is done, you can prepare for the 4th of July BBQ and drinking extravaganza!
Head on over to the local liquor store and buy a few kegs of beer, several bottles of Jack Daniels and a whole lot of cases of budweiser (CANS ONLY!!!).
After hauling in your treasure, prepare the old charcoal BBQ by spraying massive doses of lighter fluids on it. Have the kids throw things at the flames and play with the fire. Prepare to welcome some of your guests.
After your guest walks through the open screen door, welcome them by saying “what’s up bro” or “yo, man, have a bud”, then carelessly throw a frozen aluminum can of budwesier at him. Every once in awhile you will errantly strike his girlfriend in the head/face with it, so have an extra frozen can aside for the purposes of suppressing swollen bumps about the face and head.
As the party progresses, it’s time to serve your guests of dishonor food. Grab some styrofoam plates and slap a few hotted dogs on them, preferably with bun. If, by chance, you do not have buns, as they weren’t within your budget, feel free to use Wonder Bread as a substitute. Some people actually prefer good olde fashioned white bread anyways. Be sure to douse all hotted dogs with copious amounts of generic ketchup.
As the day drifts on, and the beer cans begin to pile up around the house and yard, ask the children to pick up the cans and place them into the giant black garbage bag that you have hanging off the side of your metal fence. The kid who picks up the most cans of bud gets to drink a can of their own!
FIREWORKS TIME!
You and your friends should now head on over to the front of the house to light some fireworks. It’s important that 90% of your fireworks be of the deafening loud, explosive, variety and not that “color crap.” You will light all fireworks with a lit cigarette butt and be sure to let the children light and toss M-80’s too, as it is their right of passage to do so.
After the fireworks, the real party begins. Parenting is over and has been over since breakfast, so feel free to let the kids roam off into the woods or nearby junkyard for a little childhood curiosity. You and your friends will begin, in earnest, drinking excessive quantities of Jack Daniels, while decrying how “fucked up” this country has become, especially honing in on the immigration issue and how people who don’t speak english should be deported and/or killed.
After 1am is the witching hour. By now, you and your guests should be comfortably buzzed. But it’s time to take it to the next level. Marijuana filled “joints” should be passed around at this time and a side table filled with lines of cocaine should be displayed, for all those interested. Shots of tequila with slices of lemon are appropriate chasers after “partying”, so be sure to have that in stock.
By 3am, 70% of your guests will be asleep (including the children), strewn out across the yard and furniture. Now would be an excellent time to partake in a little innocent adultery. Anything that transpires now is subject to denial and is easily excused, as everyone was “so wasted” that he or she could barely remember what happened.
By 11am on July 5th, most of your guests have woken up and should be asking for coffee. DO NOT PROVIDE THEM WITH COFFEE. By failing to provide them with coffee, they will be forced to leave your residence and find it elsewhere.
The party is now over. It’s now time for you and the kids to clean up the vomit and bottles of Jack Daniels and prepare for the hangover to come.
FUN TIP: Storing beer in aluminum trash cans is good, but getting rid of the water can be a hassle. ENTER BATH TUB.
I don’t care how trashy it is, a microwaved hot dog with kraft american cheese on whitebread is food of the gods.
You have a different God than most.
Okay, how about “and UN-gentlemanly guide?
How about the VIX is at epic lows?
Okay, how about the PUT/CALL Ration is insane?
Okay, forget all that, how about both silver and gold can no longer be beaten down by the Fed?
Okay, well…..Happy 4th of JULY, you schmucks.
Are you ill, sir?
Dr.Fly
As always another gem. Nothing beats the Thanks Giving guide though!
+1
lol, white trash with cocaine. never heard of such a thing.
Still prefer this version:
http://youtu.be/pxN1vKUyk34
+5 !
Dr. Fly, the above is quite accurate. May I provide this visual as an alternate beer can scenario? http://youtu.be/5AN35AhyRyw
+1
+2
I was really surprised that the dogs had collars, and they weren’t of the spiked variety.
And don’t forget to pick up some Bud Light Lime… You know, for the ladies.
Then enjoy the fireworks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0mr0SShSU4
Let’s play a July 4th game. Stronger or weaker
Lowest part. rate in 35 years. Stronger? or weaker?
500k fulltime lost, 700k pt created. Stronger? or weaker?
92million of us work eligible not working. Stronger? or weaker?
healthcare GDP component removed from Q1 to add to Q2.
Ridiculous?
INDEPENDENCE DAY was about defying power and authority. Nathans? or Hebrew national?
In Queens many years back I remember seeing a woman passed out in an aluminum lawn chair with her tit hanging out of her one piece bathing suite. All as her fatherless child ran around barefoot with a lit sparkler.
The image is burned into my memory.
Keepin it extra classy.
True story-
The last place I lived, I came home just before dark and heard my neighbor greet me “hey, how ya doin?” I looked over and he is standing in his backyard, cigarette in his mouth, beer in one hand, and employing his other hand to take a pee, in “full stream”.
But I must admit, with a septic tank, what does it matter, really?
Bread outlet store. You can get like 15 packs of almost edible dog buns for your guests to feast on for like a buck fitty. My guests have to be gone by the time I can load my shotgun.
All fine stories of American grandeur
Even though I keep losing money following you into every stupid boat stock you throw out there, I would be remiss not to offer my congratulations on the continuous stream of hilarious prose.
I made plenty of coin in balt last go around you ingrate!
I’m on my third 40 of Malted Liquor
Lived in Northern Alaska most of my mid life.. combined le 4th with a goodbye party with Anwar Sadat who had been recently killed. Anyway, my fireworks started a large fire in the tundra.
To have a great fourth, drink a fifth on the third.
“for” Anwar Sadat.
Fly. How do you do it? The only part you missed was that we loaded up several guns, took off for the border in hopes of shooting someone crossing.
Our neighbor is shooting off fired works like he’s still in Fallujah. Good times.
This sounds like a normal weekday for the wonderful whites of west virginia. This post was spot on.
Fly getting hosed on balt again? What’s new?
The new Hilled Bill is going organic and range fed. Fear the sugar in the raw and vitamin water.
Wouldn’t mind watching Kid Rock die in a fire, actually.
“Rock”? lol… Kid country
What does that mean, Ghostmobile?
No bath salts at this party?
USA USA USA http://www.nbcwashington.com/entertainment/the-scene/Z-Burger-Kicks-off-Fourth-with-Burger-Eating-Contest-265725271.html
That’s gotta be the worst, being a big guy and getting decimated by a skinny mother of four at an eating contest; something one would assume you’re an expert at.
Mom?
Fly, did is this the script you wrote after observance of the grate Woodsheddeur? (sic)