iBankCoin Spits on You

Why do you people bother blogging? No one reads your shit anyway. Let your readers come to my site and they will never go back to yours. It’s sort of like stealing your chick, back in High School. Hell, someone is going to do it; it might as well be Senor Tropicana.

I gots lots of shit in the proverbial frying pan. In my head, I run scenarios of potential wins/losses all the time. All of my moves are calculated, from blog posts to punching off your mustache through a glass of Chardonnay.

I was badly punished for shorting China last month, via FXP. But, I’m not done with that fucking cesspool. I’ll let you commy lovers pile into China, into their holidays. Then, when you least expect it, I will snatch the floating carpet from under you—if I may be so bold.

Either way you slice it, LFC and CHL are poorly positioned. And, don’t discount this SAY fraud crap. Family run businesses overseas will come under scrutiny. There will be more bodies.

I know oil is a very popular investment for the internet type these days. Back on Wall Street, most money managers I know laugh at you assholes piling into XOM, north of $75.

We laugh at you.

I saw today, in some yahoo vid, Eric “the oil barrel” Bolling is calling for oil to run up to $75-80. I’m not questioning his calls on black gold. However, I will say, there is NO FUCKING WAY crude runs to $80, anytime soon. It’s not happening.

Let me clarify my position: I am not bearish on crude here, as a point in fact. I am as bearish, as a howling devil locked in a closet, on oil producers and parts makers, from drills to rigs—the whole kit and kaboodle.

They will feel the ramifications of the credit squeeze and declining commodity prices, no doubt.

COP has over 22 billion in debt. PBR has over 24 billion in debt. CHK has over 14 billion in debt. RIG has over 14 billion in debt. CNQ has over 10 billion in debt.

The debt may seem tiny now, as a percentage of earnings. But, keep in mind, many energy firms have negative net cash per share ratios. Furthermore, should earnings bleed out, well then, we have ourselves a homebuilder situation, part II, don’t we?

With that being said, many of you have not learned your lesson yet, with regards to chasing down dead sectors. I am sure the market will rally again, sometime soon and you will be out there buying with both hands.

Feel comfort in knowing “The Fly” spits towards your general direction and that he (“The Fly”) will eventually win.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CikybHxxOB0&feature=related 450 300]

You expect me to gloat and brag about how much money I made in my shorts today; but you’re wrong. “The Fly” is humble in his victories and will work, with great vigor, to help his fellow neighbor find food and shelter, after his bullshit 401k plan goes to zero.

After being stepped on by asshole elephants yesterday, “The Fly” shot back with his street cannon and made truckloads of money in short XOM, short VNO, short NOV and SRS, DUG, FAZ, viz.

But I am not one to brag. Emphatically I implore my fellow neighbor to flee from oil related names, for their cap ex budgets will be sacked.

Just so you know, Horatio Clawhammer punched the teeth out of semiconductor players today, via SSG. I like my prospects shorting tech here, with Steve Jobs dead and all. It makes sense to be long SSG and REW.

In closing, no one deserves to lose money, per se. Howsoever, I will suggest, if I might do so, some of you tea bagging cow ball jugglers deserve a good grounding, and more. All of this giddy talk of run up, run up, run up, must and will be stopped, in due time.

I guaranfuckingtee the market ends the year lower than where it closed today. If I am wrong, well then, I will retire from the business of blogging—in exchange for traveling the world dressed as a Geek Squad employee.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THn4OmwxT_I 450 300]

I will cease and desist from offering false hope of doom. As always, I expect the best and hope for the worst—only when I’m short stocks, of course.

Today’s tape is a fucking joke. The sellers are NOWHERE, and I mean NOWHERE to be found. It is almost as if the government found out who they were and locked them in a storage facility.

If you’re short this market, you are not pleased with today’s tepid action. For Pete’s sake, the oil inventory data was 8X’s worse than expected, yet XOM is down a stick.

Fuck me on a spindle.

Frankly, I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I may just leave my business to my underlings and take my show on the road. I can do stand up comedy, inside banks—wearing a ski mask. Or, I can go fishing, inside shopping malls, near water fountains.

Needless to say, I need the keys to Zion. I need to find you fuckers, who escaped the Matrix, and have my robots murder your heads off.

Listen up you fucking fagots, the dollar is not going down in 2009. How about that?

And, on top of that, your local lender over there, that little piece of shit WFC, is going to dilute the shenanigans out of their idiotic shareholder base.

May your inheritance be fully invested in shares of SAY.

As an aside, with my money, I am semi-retired. I am into eating sandwiches and celebrating birthdays, on a daily basis. I don’t have time for this January shit.

Top picks: Turkey and mustard.

NOTE: A fine chart to get long on, indeed.

How much bad news do you want?

We have fraud at one of India’s revered IT firms, SAY. The whole country is without work, according to ADP. INTC shit the shower. Retail sales are a joke. They’re actually clown funny. House prices are still dropping. Although rates are dropping, jumbo mortgages are still pricey. And, to top it off, banks are going to need to write off another $40 billion, during the first quarter, according to analyst Meredith Whitney.

Amazingly enough, despite all the bad news, the market is hanging in there, sort of.

Over the past week, like it or not, the biggest winners have been the worst names, such as FIG, MCGC and ACAS. Everyone has been making such a big deal over the rally; yet, year to date, we are up less than 3%.

If Friday’s employment data is similar to today’s ADP data, look for sentiment to turn on a dime. The tone for January started bullish, but can end in a fucking clown cannon, on its way for a field of string beans, if you know what I mean.

Due to my bearish sentiments, I sold out of a variety of longs this morning, including ITW, BAC and half of my C.

At the present, I am holding AKAM, VCLK, NITE, C and a little FAS, just to name a few. Just so you know, I own lots of stocks, in small quantities. The point: I have reduced my long exposure to 15%.

At the same time, I couldn’t help myself, I bought some SSG (short semi’s) @ $71 and more SRS @ $52.50.

Although I am skeptical of this decline, due to my recent short sale mishaps. I have the confidence of a hungry mountain lion, trapped inside a conference room filled with 3rd tier bloggers, that I will be right, in due time.

Top picks: short NOV, short XOM, short KIM.

NOTE: I bought DUG @ $23.25.

I sold out of my ITW, north of $36.30. I sold out of my BAC position, north of $14. And, I sold 50% of my C position, around $7.30.

With Enron type fraud taking place at Indian IT firm SAY, coupled with abysmal ADP data here in the states, the market should (finally) get the stuffing kicked out of it today. Naturally, due to being slapped around in my shorts, as of late, I am not emphatic about the market staying down all day.

In an odd twist of lunacy, asshole dip buyers may buy this tape. However, I have made my bed and now intend to sleep in it, dead or alive.

Over the past week, I have built up a decent long portfolio, which includes stocks such as ITW, VCLK, C, BAC, AKAM, NITE and even a little FAS. I sold out of most of my FAS yesterday. And, much to my delight, I have a pretty awesome short position in XOM, which, incidentally, is the anti-Christ. Therefore, I am doing the Lord’s work here.

Anyway, I will not add to any shorts into this blackhole of a tape. Instead, I will release some longs, in the event some of you fucking dicks buy today’s decline.

At the present, I am 45% short, 25% long and 30% cash. Year to date, I am down about 6%.

Down by more than 6%.

Let 2009 begin.

In the year of the Great Lamb, truculent men, made from iron and smoke, will afflict colossal catastrophe to the third estate.

In the year of the Great Fox, sand and stone will amass on the grounds of Cathay, sending its residents into unfrequented quarters, where they will be met with scarcity and pestilence.

UPDATE: What year am I?