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Game of Thrones Review: STFU Sam Tarly

Since this is the last season of Game of Thrones, one of my favorite shows of all-time, I decided to do reviews for all six episodes this year — as we march, ever so slowly — into the fiefdom of the one and true rightful Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms — The Night King.

I was thoroughly pleased with the episode — in spite of the obvious fan service with that extended and non-sensical dragon ride with John Snow and Mother of All Dragons. It should be noted, that dragon was eye-fucking John because it knows that he is, in fact, a Targaryen.

And that was the big reveal last night, in the crypt by fuckhead Sam Tarly — at the behest of John’s psychopathic psychic brother –Bran. He told John that his real father was Rhaegar Targaryen and that his real name was Aegon Targaryen. Really? Do you have a fucking 23 and Me DNA test to prove this Sam? He goes on to tell John that Daenerys Targaryen, aka Mother of Dragons, should bend the knee to him — since he’s the true and rightful heir to the Iron Throne.She also executed Sam’s entire family — making him head of his House. Are we really entertaining this Sam — as the army of the dead marches on Winterfell? Does it really fucking matter who sits on the god damned Iron Throne, Sam? And what is John supposed to say — “oh, by the way, fuckers — I’m not a Stark, but a Targaryen, because my boy Sam here told me — so yeah — I’m Captain now.”


As for the north, they’re being real salty with the foreign armies. I picked up on a racist undertone and would not be surprised if HBO threw in some Make Winterfell Great Again hats — with the citizens asking for a new wall to keep out all of the foreign riff-raff.

Sansa doesn’t like Daenerys, because she’s a bitch and is power hungry and jealous. Arya met the Hound for the first time since she left him for dead and, although they didn’t hug it out and jerk each other off, you could tell they had a mutual respect for one another. Speaking of which, Cersei has no respect for herself — whoring herself to that moron Euron in exchange for his retarded army — who will get destroyed this season — mark my words.

Theon, finally, grew a pair of balls and rescued his sister, Yara. Theon is off to fight for House Stark, while she will go retake The Iron Islands.

Tormund Giantsbane and the Lord of Light fuckers were out recklessly looking for trouble and discovered that the Army of the Dead were already passed them en route to Winterfell. How stupid of them to be out on a mission of their own — whilst hordes of zombies were out and about.

Long story short, and this goes without saying, Winterfell is about to get BTFO and I suspect the vast majority of the Northern Army will be destroyed, with remnants fleeing to the Iron Islands and perhaps further south. Eventually, I believe the last stand will be at King’s Landing — where Cersei will maniacally betray her fellow humans beings and The Hound, once and for all, will put an end to his Frankenstein brother — The Mountain.

I suspect Petyr Baelish is still alive, having faked his death last season and Jamie Lannister is the lynchpin between the Northern and Southern armies. While everyone is focused on John and Daenerys — the only person in a position to rule King’s Landing with authority is Jamie, the fucking “King Slayer.” The show ended with Bran, “waiting for an old friend”, locking eyes with Jamie. The last time the two saw each other was when Bran caught Jamie having intimate relations with Cersei, his god damned sister, and Jamie threw him off a cliff — making him a cripple. Their discussion should be interesting in episode 2, but I suspect Bran is in autism mode and will just prattle on about the Army of the Dead marching fast and how Jamie needs to save the day somehow.

Long Jamie Lannister, short Sam Tarly.

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One comment

  1. 99 lead balloons
    99 lead balloons

    Missing face girl will take out night king.

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