iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
23,003 Blog Posts

Coffee is for Communists

Scientific fact #1: 99% of all known communists are avid coffee drinkers. Back in the good old days, Stalin would execute rich folks while sipping on a cup of joe. Truer words have never been told. As a matter of fact, a staggering 100% of all Occupy Wall Street protesters are in fact prolific java juicers.

Scientific fact #2: 99% of all serial killers are in fact coffee lovers. Exhibit A, Exhibit B. If you are a parent of a young child be sure to raise him or her correctly by encouraging tea consumption over “the black death.” Should you fail to do your duties as a parent, there is strong chance your child will grow up and slay you while you sleep.

Scientific #3: Coffee drinkers are accounting cheats. Look at GMCR, Enron, Calpine and Bernie Maddoff: all coffee drinkers.

Look, we can debate this for hours, if not days. Just know this, when I used to drink 5-20 cups of coffee per day, I’d slap people in the face, unprovoked, with hot slices of pizza. I’d also kick old men in wheeled chairs down subway steps, whenever the chance presented itself. Ever since I’ve reestablished myself as a gentleman amongst the Tea drinkers of Great Britain (TdoGB), I’ve been well mannered and cordial. Look at Scott Bleier, Jakegint and Woodshedder: fucking cavemen and coffee drinkers.

In closing, try to avoid being an uncouth, degenerate miscreant by drinking the evil bean and take up the avocation of proper and honourable tea consumption, preferably of the black variety or mate.

WARNING: This video is a horror show.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZOLOggfWp0 603 500]

Evil doers.

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117 comments

  1. you won't go back
    you won't go back

    preferably of the black variety of mate.

    No homo.

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  2. Patrick

    The White House drink is Diet Coke. What does this mean Dr. Fly?

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  3. Yogi & Boo Boo

    Did you forget about the Communist Red Chinese tea drinkers?

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  4. Fact Check

    100% of drug addicts used milk first. Therefore, milk is a gateway drug.

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  5. chivo

    Is ur tea caffeineneted?

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  6. Heaterman

    Ever had real South American mate’? That stuff is stout enough to make your teeth curl.

    Color me still drinking copious amounts of caffeine laced kava of the Timothy’s Italian roast style.

    Let me just offer at this point that if the Italians do indeed make their coffee in a manner that approximates the flavor and aroma of the above mentioned roast, they do, as a nation have some redeeming value and should be kept “alive”.

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    • The Fly

      Pervert killer

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      • JakeGint

        Interesting. I am looking at importing specialty Honduran cawfee as we speak.

        ____________

        You can’t have any. Mrs. Fly would be mad, so sorry.

        __________

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        • Po Pimp

          Community Dark Roast. 1 “scoop” per 2 cups water is enough to give the most hardened coffee drinker the shakes for 6 hours.

          For the ultimate adrenaline rush, consume two pots at the above concentration, put on some old school Pantera in the background and watch TNA / TZA tick-by-tick.

          The surgeon general probably warns against this.

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  7. Bullish

    What does it mean if you prefer your daily caffeine dosage via a pill or energy shot?

    No coffee or tea.

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    • The Fly

      Flintstone. Do you eat brontosaurus burgers for dinner?

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      • Bullish

        $8 gets you a bottle of 60 NoDoz (200mg caffeine)
        or
        $8 gets you one large Starbucks coffee

        • 0
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        • The Fly

          WTF?! You have to be some sort of toothless redneck to buy that.

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          • MX2101

            My “primary care” physician advised me to just take a caffeine pill instead of the morning coffee ritual. I believe he and his partner got booted out of the local hospital for being troublemakers and they started their own office.

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        • Steak42

          Bullish I second that method! Makes a lot of sense to me plus coffee takes to long to drink!

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          • Heaterman

            Cretins all of you. Where is your appreciation of the finer things….the aroma, the steam wafting from the cup, the earthy flavor of a finely brewed Kona, the sparkling crispness of a bean from Guatemala, the sensual sloshing of the liquid over your teeth while it stains them a putrid brown. πŸ™‚

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  8. GoodAsGold

    Coffee contains more antioxidants than virtually any other food substance in North America.

    • 0
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  9. jimmy_two_times

    trees have nuts,
    I have nuts
    therefore I am a tree

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  10. MOTV8

    Did I just see Merlin?

    Must be the decaf….

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  11. dave

    Also, 99% of coffee drinkers are necrophiliacs professing Christianty as their faith.

    Plus, I hear Iraqi Dinars are in short supply at banks near miltary bases.

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  12. Mr. President

    Elephant in the room:
    Your returns were much greater when you were on the bean.

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  13. Mr. Partridge

    Dr,
    Stalin used to drink, he was Georgian :), these guys are tea drinkers.
    He used to drink Gerogian wine two, always mixing 2 kinds together.
    Man, I am a source of a lot of useless information i guess.

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  14. TraderCaddy

    Gaddafi had his own Keurig coffee maker in the drainage pipe he was hiding.
    The coffee did not help him much.

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  15. surplusdroids

    I love facts.

    Another Fact.

    Oxygen causes cancer.
    Everyone stop fucking breathing.

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    • General Theory of Poop
      General Theory of Poop

      If you take a shit, you are doing something that Einstein did on a daily basis… If you are not constipated you are a fucking genius.

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  16. flyaway18

    Since you gave up coffee, your WNR has grown; stay with what works.

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  17. Fifty2weekhi

    How about someone joining me with a bottle of gourmet fine wine instead? https://www.lot18.com/i/Fulltime421795

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  18. wilmer

    During WWII coffee consumption fueled our American Military as they reconquered Europe and the Pacific.

    RETURN SERVE

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  19. lol

    wow am I the only one that just drinks water and doesn’t need to put caffeine in my system once every 24 hours or more to prevent headaches and other side effects from caffeine addiction withdrawl?

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  20. caffeine is for women and children
    caffeine is for women and children

    withdrawal? pfft.

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  21. Damon

    My late English grandmother slammed 45 Dunhill Reds a day, she also had tea time 4 times a day.

    That is why she lived til 95. Smoke like a train and drink that antioxident tea, baby.

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  22. tw

    It ain’t the coffee, but rather the kind you drink…..and most of it is shit quite frankly. Burnt, chicory and cereal fillers, bottom of the barrel garbage.

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  23. ruggyup

    FACTOID Male tea drinkers are seriously chromosome challenged.

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  24. SUBCOMANDANTE CHINCHINILLA!!!
    SUBCOMANDANTE CHINCHINILLA!!!

    Americans rolled into Berlin despite the absence of Earl Grey. Had they been supplied with it – blame the Brits for jacking the entire Allied supply – the Stars and Stripes would today be flying over Moscow and Beijing.

    True.

    Fucking.

    Story.

    It’s a fact.

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    • wilmer

      Only a limp-wristed man would type such a thing.

      • 0
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      • SUBCOMANDANTE CHINCHINILLA!!!!!
        SUBCOMANDANTE CHINCHINILLA!!!!!

        BANNED FOR IGNORANCE AND A FRIGHTENED SENSE OF MASCULINITY.

        BANNED ALSO FOR AN EXTREMELY TINY PENIS AND DOG ABUSE (HIDE THE PEANUT BUTTER)

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  25. Dirk Diggler

    Your radical opinions might be best expressed with some later to be auctioned chart art.

    http://www.insidefutures.com/charts/index.php?sym=KCZ11&sp=1&type=CANDLE&grid=1&mouseover=1&volume=1&a=M&studies=RSI;MACD

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  26. dave

    Libya is the cheapest war fought for oil thus far. The next target is Venezuela.

    • 0
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    • Heaterman

      Chavez will destroy it first all by himself. He is even more deranged than Mooooommar. was.

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  27. London

    Well, I still think Fly is insane for having given up playing global apocalyptic intrigue in favor of becoming a “value investor” in commestibles… I mean, visions of bow-ties and starched white shirts, really, really zzzz.

    I can’t see Fly staying content for long as proprietor of an oatmeal blog with attitude.

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  28. dave

    The honeybadger doesn’t give a shit about coffee. It just takes what it wants.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg

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  29. ctb007

    Even the fictional serial killers are avid coffee drinkers. Dexter slugs the bean like water!

    • 0
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  30. Tisker

    You’re in good company:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2IJdfxWtPM

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  31. thekube

    Did you stop drinking Monster Energy Sodas (the blue can)? I had to kick that habit.

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  32. The_Real_Hmmm

    I’ve never had a full cup of coffee in my life.

    Remember that one guy on iBC that said he was going to “jape” someone in the subway? Lol.

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  33. Captain Anarchy

    Speaking of communists, have you heard the latest from China? I didn’t see anything about it here so far, and I know that Le Fly has taken special interest in the whole issue around US listed Chinese companies and those who accuse them of fraudulent accounting (whilst holding significant short positions, natch)

    http://news.yahoo.com/china-quizzes-audit-giants-foreign-regulator-contact-071025945.html

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  34. Colonel von Ryan

    NO ONE drinks more coffee than the squids do while on a cruise. I swear those ring knockers have a mug welded to their hands…

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  35. The Other Jim

    Fly
    since you gave no time frame for you’re possible 20 cup per day indulgence I can only think (hope) some ideas you shared here were not ‘under the influence’

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  36. alf44

    .

    How Bout Dem Rangers !!!

    .

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    • JakeGint

      Howabout them Crackboys!

      Or not?

      ___________

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      • alf44

        I will remind you of this post when we kick tha Giants ass up AND down the field !

        The Cowboys will insure Coughlin is unemployed by season’s end !

        Jot it on a post-it … and stick it on your Cro-Magnon forehead !!!

        πŸ˜€

        .

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        • Jakegint

          I wish you could guarant-damn-tee that Cyclops boy.

          But the Cracksters suck wolfcock AGAIN this year, so it’s unlikely they’ll be the reason for his demise.

          ‘Specially since we busted up your boy Homo, AGAIN (it’s become a perennial event).

          _________

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  37. forrest1980

    There’s a coffee ad on the right side of my page lol

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  38. Blind Read Ant

    I wonder V.King’s opinion on this “tres” important topic?

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  39. Half Blood Pope

    Never drank coffee and never will. Drinking hot liquids never appealed to me. I do however have one diet coke every morning on my drive to work.

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  40. Cascadian

    Back in the day I was drinking daily, doing coke, smoking cigs— you name it. One morning I was chatting with the receptionist at the office and noticed my hands were kinda trembling. I said to her, “Maybe I should give up this coffee.”

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  41. alf44

    … closest thing to coffee I can handle is … well … Kahlua !!!

    “White Russians”

    “Black Russians”

    “Colorado Motherfuckers”

    … well … you git the idea !

    —–

    BTW … If you have never had Kahlua and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream … you have missed out on one of the truly great indulgences this planet has to offer !!!

    Seriously !!!

    .

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  42. JakeGint

    Le Monsieur is sounding like the fox that made a play for yon grapes but found they were out of reach.

    Until the doc says yes (which may be never), it’s no hot hot hot delicious bubbly black cauldron smoked cawfee for yooooooo!

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  43. Dirk Diggler

    Awful 80’s sitcom with Matthew Perry predicted gadhafi’s death within weeks.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o62MU1q-U1k

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  44. MX2101

    Coffee is the only thrill I have left.

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  45. Old Salt

    At the risk of being off topic what is the source of the copper price data on this page? What period/time zone does the +7.8% refer to?

    • 0
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    • Jim H

      Thank god for this response…for a minute I thought I was on some kind of food website…do we still talk about investing here…where is the chessnwine link anyway…

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  46. JTU

    Looks like the Market has had a good jolt of cafeine this morning, we’re going to have a nice melt up today!

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  47. Po Pimp

    Vegas Trader II says:
    October 17, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Lol. I said I would chop my balls off and throw them on the craps table at Mandalay Bay, if the S and P cracked 1235. I’m looking good, I might even shave them this weekend..

    Watch this space…

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