The Takeaway From This Morning’s Pathetic Jobs Report

People are buying this pathetic, languid, number. Do you know why they are doing so? It is because we are programmed to enjoy the bid that the Federal Reserve provides us with. Understand something, with nearly $20 trillion in national debt, the United Steaks of America cannot possibly allow its interest rates to head higher, while looking at you with a straight face, saying “we’re not trying to purposely default on our obligations.”

I appreciate the candor of the billionaire hedge fund manager, who operates out of the Short Hills shopping mall, who told us to sell short treasuries yesterday. He has a mighty fine track record and I could only hope to enjoy 1/10th of his success over the course of my lifetime. But he’s fooling himself, or you, with the idea that rates are done going lower.

A great man, who once walked the halls of iBankCoin and screamed at you from his office every morning, once said “we are Japan.” That we are my friends and I’m not bearish on stocks because of it. I am simply hesitant in the month of September. Call it superstition or “gut instinct”; but I want no part in this phase of debauchery. I’d rather just sit here and watch you have all the fun, while I think of ways to entertain myself.

There are a lot of names that are down 30% over the past 6 months. However, those stupid bastards are still trading 17x sales. How in the world do you expect me to buy that?

Using the robust screener inside of The PPT, I’ve been scouring for stocks that I can purchase–after the coming decline. A few names that aren’t on the list, but will always be purchased by me on dips are:

YELP

SLCA

JAZZ

All in different sectors, those three names represent the main drivers of this market, the things I am bullish on–long term.

Social Media

Oil & Gas

Biotech

The problem with my favorite stocks, all of which I still own, is that they’re near new highs.

But here are some stocks that have been crushed and represent true value. Keep in mind, more often than not, stocks trade lower because fundies suck. So what appears to be value may in fact be a trap. Alas, the perils of speculation.

POST (WTF!, people hate cereal)

SINA

YOKU

SOHU (who knows  if these burritos are worth anything?)

FUEL

CREE

SALE

CBI

WFM

SFM

If you have any ‘cheap’ stocks, post them in the comments.

I hope you appreciate the concept of negative rates in Europe. This is a continent struggling to employ and produce, using draconian methods to encourage growth–5 years removed from the Great Recession. Here in the states, we are winding down QE operations–but still have zero percent rates, which has not really buoyed new homes sales in any large degree. The desirable areas are in demand and Detroit is still Detroit.

Can the market go higher without a Fed intervening? More importantly, if the economy is still struggling now at 0% rates, can we seriously raise them?

To the latter, I say no, positively. The only reason why you’d raise rates is to stoke another market crash.

I’m not as bearish as this article makes me sound. I am simply asking some serious questions that will one day need to be answered. Until that day of reckoning comes, we have this–the never-ending melt up. Pullbacks are always met with buyers and short sellers remain, indefatigably,  in the ‘fag box.’

Top picks: ETR, EXC, TLT and cash.

Today was the first day of school in New Jersey. I went to the morning ceremonies and then took my wife to breakfast, to celebrate in advance another long, arduous, year of making sure our children do not grow up to be idiots. Truth be told, school is an excellent day care centre and I am grateful for the tranquility around the house when they are being educated.

For me, the summer is over. It’s time to get back to work.

Draghi is the new Bernanke. As we end QE, Europe begins. This isn’t a coincidence and the euro has been sliding because of it. The dollar has been on a rocketship and our yields are at record lows. The US dollar is up almost 1% today. This is the macro trade that every Tom, Dick and Harry are piling into now. It’d be interesting to see how much profit taking in TLT can persist, while UUP heads higher. My guess, our bonds will be sopped up soon.

America is the place to be–the venue of choice for money managers. We have the safest currency, best technology and strongest military, next to the feared beards of ISIS of course.

Again, and I hate to bore you with my boredom, but I need at least two more weeks to see if my topping prediction will be correct. It’s very early September and the market is making new highs. Thus far, there is nothing but blue skies ahead.

I don’t care about Ferguson police plays, like MAGS, DGLY and ISNS. They will be faded and late comers will be crushed. I don’t give a damn about chinese burrito stocks or the biotech du jour of the moment. Right now, all that matters to me is allocation and how XYZ might fair in the coming correction. I expect to lose money, being that I have plenty of money still invested. However, I expect to lose less than everyone else, and perhaps take a profit or two in several of my defensive positions.

But the ultimate goal here isn’t to bury my head in the sand and/or migrate to Romania–live out my days as a naked goat herder. I intend to, as is always my custom, to buy your margin liquidation.

If you recall back in March-May, I was in fact liquidated and you bought my margin call. It was an odd twist of fate, a karmic reversal of sorts, since I was the one who was bearish a few weeks earlier and had predicted that very correction months in advance. What happened then could only be described as destiny. I was supposed to endure the pangs of horror, loss, and absence of respect from my peers and underlings–because it made me better for it.

As I speak to you now, I am a man filled with confidence, a chest filled with pride, a person who understands the plight of the disenfranchised. I thank Mother Market for this gift every single night before bed.

However, all of these lessons, the vagabond tales of iniquity, have led us here–to a cross roads where you and I shall parlay again–to sort out our differences.

I will not lose this time around–rest assured. On Jupiter’s Stone and all that is valuable in the ancient scribes of Alexandria, “The Fly” will have his revenge and the first course is going to be gazpacho.

Aside from that, I wish you good luck and happy hunting!

Apple computer is dropping today, just two days after perverts around the world united around the mammaries of young celebrities. But that is only the tip of the iced berg, mate.

All of you woke up this morning to lies. You ate those lies and now you are shitting out losses.

General Stalingrad Putin didn’t sign a fucking cease fire with The Ukraine. That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. After all, how could Putin sign a peace treaty when he hasn’t done anything wrong?

Indeud.

The tumult around the world will continue. US treasuries will serve as a beacon of freedom and safety from the treachery of equity markets. You’ve been very spoiled, haven’t you? All summer long you’ve been playing about the chinese sanded box, making money in all sorts of unsavory names.

THE DAY OF RECKONING fast approaches and those who surrender will be executed on spot: the Black Flag, sir.

As for me, I have 15% cash, lots of boring utilities, and a load worth of TLT. You mustn’t worry about my prospects, for I am in possession of a God damned plutonium powered time machine.

You may now continue playing in the gutter, throwing equine feces at one another.

I am very frustrated today, after seeing two stocks lift this morning that I had orders for–but chose not to buy for fear of a market pullback. You know how ideologies makes you retarded, forcing you to make irrational decisions? Yeah, I was going to buy large blocks of both ACHN and ARWR–but I didn’t.

I never bought the stocks, despite my go to source telling me to get long.

Truth be told, I cannot remember a top when I wasn’t mad at myself for buying that one last stock. Gains are always the most exorbitant near the top, since speculation is running rampant fueled by stupid money.

My utilities are higher and TLT is not down too much today. But seeing ARWR up 10% today hurts. The old Fly might’ve chased it today, greedily and hastily positioning in the midst of a gluttonous chocolate-coffee fueled frenzy of sheer stupidity.

Listen to me now: Le Fly is a marble statue of patience, virtue and is the American dream. One cannot rush art, so do not prod him to throw paint at a moving canvas. One must be able to envision the painting before one starts throwing paint around.

Enough of that, I have work to do now. I am sure the lot of you have a clock to punch and a widget to manufacture.

I haven’t mentioned the subject of ISIS because I am disgusted by it. But I wanted to touch on a few points, throw it out there for the rest of you to chew on.

Can Obama do a worse job at managing the middle east? Seriously, this is a laughable clusterfuck, with a real life Mandarin (Iron Man 3) out there, making movie productions, beheading journalists. You have to search through youtube to see what these lunatics are up to. It’s like they stole a book from the Nazis, specifically Goebbels, on how to properly conduct a police state riddled with war crimes, and running with it.

They are highly organized even bother to post annual reports highlighting the ridiculous wanton death and destruction presented by their wonderful group of Gotham City like bandits. We have Taco Tuesdays here; they have Flogging Fridays there.

They stole all of our munitions, some up armored humvees, and never even thanked us for it. Then, they swept through Iraqi banks and looted between $500-$2billion, most of which may be in GOLD. Seriously?

Now, we just learned, after the delightful news of the reoccupation of the US embassy in Benghazi and the subsequent terrorist pool party, that they scurried away with not one, or two, or three, commercial fucking jetliners—BUT 11, just 9 days before we cry over the events of 9/11 again.

It’s like the American people were apathetic about war and someone wanted to stoke our interest again to “just give it a chance, mate.”

And then, there’s this.

Fuck me. The enemy likes war too much, apparently. We should dissuade them.

God damn it! I just ate some ‘authentic’ chinese food and it’s burning my face off. Who eats this sort of crap…dragons? Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy a good spicy meal. But this stuff was like eating a jar of spicy peppers, mixed in with a little fish.

Back to the markets.

Anything related to internet security was higher today, thanks to the iCloud non-breach.

The market looks great and the mood is mild. Nothing should go wrong, as investors lazily return to their desks from a long summer of slumbering and drunken debauchery. Both road slob and catamite alike will return to a gracious market, one that rewards patience and aggressive bets. The gambler, whore, and savage swine shall dine together and laugh at the priest-like (no pervert) behavior of the cautious.

In short, I’ve never sold a top that looked bad and I never bought a bottom that felt safe.

You’re all in grave danger of losing your heads.

The guillotine is out and about, speed chopping heads off this afternoon with reckless abandon. The tit that you’ve been accustomed to sucking on for all of these years now belongs to a very old lady and she is removing said tit in October.

Understand something: this is not June, July, or a gentile August.

THIS IS SEPTEMBER, a time of year when men are forged in the fires of tragedy and stocks spiral lower because they can.

Momo stocks are still heading higher, despite the market pullback. Certain biotech and pharma stocks continue to hit new highs and rates are going higher. Everything the bulls should want is present, with exception to a higher market.

AAPL is higher on the iCloud news (lolz) and GILD  and YELP  are up 15-30 points straight– following Chairman Yellen’s retarded statements. Nonetheless, I remain stoicly convinced of a great doom and gloom just around the bend, invisible to oncoming traffic–readying to ‘Stunt Man Mike’ all of you through hard windshields (no one else will survive the coming correction but me).