RIDING WITH ICAHN

My whole life I’ve looked up to Carl as the person on Wall Street who best personified a son of a bitch. Anyone in the business loved the movie Wall Street and the villain Gordon Gecko. Well, there have been many rumors about who the movie was based off and those rumors can all fuck themselves — because he’s the only man on Wall Street who has emblazoned a path like Gordon — taking innumerable companies over in a “fuck you, give me three seats on your board” fashion.

Now 87 years old, the catamites are out to get Carl. I haven’t looked into Carl’s business and hope he can live long enough to find a better replacement than his fucking son Brett. Nevertheless, I feel it is my duty to support Carl in his time of need. We all know how much Carl appreciates the assistance of unnamed Internet personalities, so I wanted to reiterate my long position in IEP and tell Carl the following words.

Do not worry bro. We have your back. We will kill your enemies and eat their flesh off their bones and then take said bones and place them into the oven and bake them till dry. Then we’ll take those bones and Vitamix them and use them to fertilize our cannabis crops. And then we’ll smoke them.