My Review on Living Down South, So Far

Living in the south is definitely different from up north. The guy next door to me is a fucking lunatic. I usually walk my dogs really late, like after 11:30pm — because that’s when I like to walk — when no one is outside. And this guy comes speeding out of his fucking garage like a Nascar pit at 100mph. Big Joe Muscle Car, speeding up and down the avenue. This fucking guy spent the next 15 minutes riding around the neighborhood like it was his fucking racetrack, going at a minimum 125mph. My coyote doesn’t like loud cars or noises and usually lunges at people who look at her sideways. When this fuck sped down the avenue where she was walking — she had a fucking fit and tried to jump on his windshield going at 190mph.

Then, by the time we were done with the walk, I see Batman re-enter his garage like nothing happened. The entire neighborhood probably wants to kill this guy and I know where he lives.

The other thing down south that is different are the Halloween decorations. It’s like a bunch of crafting Moms got together to create elaborate designs for their homes, obviously competing against one another. In all of my years in NY and NJ, I have never seen Halloween lights. Here, it’s like fucking Christmas, but much more. They’ve got gigantic wooden structures made from scratch and the entire homes boarded up to convert their little mansions into haunted houses. It’s truly hilarious. The Indians here, however, they don’t give a shit about Halloween and must think we’re all nuts — fucking graveyards with skeleton dogs in them and giant creepy witches sitting on rocking chairs on large souther porches. These people are fucking nuts.

My kids tell me the schools are pretty even keeled, no social hierarchy like up north. Kids are fucking normal, but the teachers have a thing about tardiness. Three latenesses and BAM — you’re in after school detention. Up north, no one gave a shit about lateness.

The food is great, sort of. I live in Cary, which is a highly populated, high growth off-shoot of Raleigh. All of the hipster shit is in Raleigh. People around here think it’s the “big city.” The food reviews on Yelp are too generous. I guess because I’m accustomed to Michelin tier cuisine, the stuff that passes off as “the best” is rather middling to me. But there are a fuck tonne of options and I haven’t even scratched the surface on most of the eateries here. I like to canvas every area I live in and eat in every restaurant in a 25 mile radius. There are hundreds of places to try here, so it’ll take me a while.

There isn’t a lot of southern pride down here, more northerners who moved down here in search of a better life, actually. The people on the fucking highways, however, are all race car drivers — much worse than NYC. I can do 80mph in the right lane and still get tailgated. If you need to merge into a lane because you made a mistake — GOOD LUCK WITH THAT BUDDY. You better be willing to crash for that merge. People here drive angry and do not permit others to merge. That’s just the way it is.

Today I’ll probably walk around Raleigh or maybe Durham, the home of Duke University — which has a great campus. They definitely copied the fuck out of Princeton, but people around here view it as the “Ivy League of the South”, which is sort of like a major league baseball team for retards. Just kidding, Duke is a great school, smart people, believe me.