A Summary of my ‘Trading’ Year: Booking Extreme Losses Post Haste, Just in Time for X-Mas

I haven’t discussed my trades or positions all that much this year, mainly because I don’t manage money professionally anymore, having only a minor portion of my net worth in stocks — keenly focused on making America great again and fighting the scourge of fake news. However, had I been managing money this year, judging by the performance of my ‘picks’, I’d be committing suicide now — taking the old swan dive off the nearest bridge.

Let’s review my stupidity.

Back in August I went long Gold and miners. Truly, how fucking stupid was that?

I went long $GLD, $AU, $ABX and $AUY. My losses on those 4 stocks are nothing short of staggering — with both AU and AUY leading the pack with 40% dents to my skull.

Also, I never covered my $FCX short, which was up nicely when it delved into the 8s. I am short from $12.60 and have watched my own face getting ripped off by a buzz-saw of epic proportions since then.

Moving on.

I went short $DB — because the Germans are cucks. This short resulted in me getting the Anne Frank treatment. Those nazi bastards really know how to ruin a good party. I merely requested to preside over the death of Europe’s largest bank. This didn’t happen. But what did happen is me getting lined up and gunned down by a firing squad.

DB was part of my ‘FIST OF DEATH’ basket of stocks that literally punched my jaw loose — short DB, $ULTA, $FCX, $LFC and $CAT — one stock per broken finger of mine. It was, quite literally, one of the dumbest trades of my entire life. I know this might sound foreign to some of you serious types, but these jackassed losses are very humorous to me, as I thrive off gallows humor. The irony of me betting against ‘the system’, hoping for its demise, but instead being killed for my efforts, is deliciously rich with lessons of moral hazard.

Last but not least is my $TLT carnivale show, starring Le Fly via his Twitter account, warning of grave dangers and posting pictures of the SS Titanic.

The ark still floats, you imbeciles.

— The_Real_Fly (@The_Real_Fly) September 6, 2016

I warned of impending storms and pasted tornado gif’s on the site, hoping to kill people to death by way of fear. This trade was of an epic varietal, shooting the fuck higher out of the gates — long $TLT from $117 and seeing it run past $140 — only to watch it come right the fuck down, leaving me stranded here with my dick in my hands, juggling my balls, with a giant question mark over my head.

The poetic nature of my trading mishaps is accentuated by a factor of 10,000 by the indelible fact that losses were mostly absorbed AFTER Trump got elected. I had been shilling for Trump all year and thought his victory would cause some sort of glitch in the matrix — where cadavers would fall out of their pods, scaring the shit out of people to the point of sheer panic. In my study, I envisioned dark times with assholes getting hit in the head with cadaver cocks — all the while I’d be laughing at everyone suffering from the pangs of anguish — donning a Make America Great Again t-shirt.

Unfortunately, none of that stuff happened in real life — but I still have hopes and dreams.

I can write an entire book about this ordeal, one that I’d write with my own blood.

I’m not all that pessimistic of a guy, sans my penchant for fatalism. I enjoy listening to music, reading good books, drinking wine, martinis and eating quality foods. Life is enjoyable. After 20 years of investing and trading in stocks, I took the year off and engulfed myself in other things.

A great man once said “when you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s fatal, Mr. Moore.”

I’ll do much better in 2017, especially since I can’t do much worse.

All positions will be cleaned out this week and a clean slate will be had and enjoyed, followed by a redeployment of said assets of the non-retarded nature.

Stay tuned.