iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
20,993 Blog Posts

A Gentleman’s Guide to Mother’s Day

It’s that time of year again, gents: Mother’s Appreciation Day.

To preface this article, I will ask and answer the following question: What is Mother’s Day?

To put it simply: it is a day by which men celebrate the achievement of his mother and wife. Let me be clear, siblings SHOULD NOT be subjected to the ceremonies of this prestigious day. To do so, quite frankly, is incestuous blasphemous balderdash. Tell your sister to buzz off.

I will now walk you nelipots through a typical Mother’s Day, a model for all gentlemen between the ages of 21-47.5 (no one cares about persons under 21 and if you’re over 47.5, you aren’t supposed to be on this site anyhow, as it is prohibited by law).

8am: Wake up, shave, shower, partake in all of the morning rituals that you normally partake in, only this time entreat your wife to break her fast in bed. To do this, simply crack a few eggs into a pan and scramble them around for about 2 minutes. DO NOT use butter, as it is your duty to make sure she doesn’t acquire a pyknic physique (I am assuming your wife is short, on a relative basis). If you’re lax in this department, let me inform you now, this marriage is doomed for a ventripotent ending.

10am: After lounging about the reading room/office/den, digesting breakfast and reading your favourite Doctor in financial bloggery, do a walk by your wife and remind her that it is Mother’s Day, have the kids jump on her back, and then excuse yourself for a little more relaxation outside (the weather is usually splendid on Mother’s Day and you have every right to enjoy it).

12pm: It’s time to receive guests. You’ve invited your mother, mother-in law, male companions/Dad/Father in law, over for brunch. This should go swimmingly.

1pm: Carelessly toss a few pounds of chicken onto the BBQ. It doesn’t need any real preparations other than a quick rinse with water and vinegar to crush the bacteria that has designs to murder you. After about 10 minutes or so, take the chicken off the grill and cut it up into pieces. Slap the chicken into a bowl and toss a bunch of lettuce and tomatoes on top. Listen very carefully to what I am about to tell you: DO NOT ADD DRESSING OR OLIVED OIL. This is a major mistake on behalf of husbands, worldwide. Look, if you permit a child to eat as much candy as they want, they’d end up with no teeth and be 100% overweight. Being the leader of the household, patriarch of the family, it is your responsibility to be on the look out for potential health hazards that might afflict your wife. Being fat, most certainly, falls into that category. Having said that, squeeze a lemon and fling a handful of salt onto the chicken salad and serve.

2pm: After lunch, gracefully accept the praise that will undoubtedly come your way from all of the women in the house. Take your bow and retire to the study with the gents, for several copious glasses of brandy.

3pm: By this time, the women should have performed their motherly duties and fed the kids, cleaned up the mess they made with the chicken salad feast, and made the dining area generally acceptable for your reentry. Invite the gents to rejoin the ladies in the living room to bestow Mother’s Day gifts upon the ladies.

4pm: Your wife, mother, and mother in law, should be quite pleased with their prizes. For this, I strongly suggest buying them one of the following (whatever you decide determines the sort of man you are): 1. diamond necklace 2. shirt 3. inappropriate lingerie 4. a stick-free frying pan 5. new blender 6. a book 7. bag of cocaine 8. an iPhone or iPad 9. an envelope with a nonsensical spa gift card inside of it 10. nothing at all (NOTE: making the wrong choice is on par with being a skopet).

5pm: Inform everyone of the time and remind them of their long drive home. The men will immediately understand this is code talk for “get the hell out of my house.” See them to the door and wish them well. At this point, you might want to throw in another “Happy Mother’s Day” to the prize winners. Do not worry about it being gratuitous, for they do not think so.

6pm: Receive praise and proper appreciation for your magnificent Mother’s Day ceremony. Mother’s Day is now over. Allow your wife to go about her regular duties. You may now retire for the evening, smoke a pipe, drink some wine, become a gongoozler, etc.

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48 comments

  1. muppet muncher
    muppet muncher

    You must have really worked the dictionary or archaic nonsense for this piece.

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  2. Mister Jinx

    Excellent work again.

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  3. Jazzyjeff

    Best post ever. I’m going to read this post aloud to my imaginary wife

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  4. Johnrotten

    Holy Shit. I’m 50

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  5. Longjohn

    My girlfriend has a child, I however do not. What are my requirements?

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    • steel_man

      find a woman without child and impregnate her.
      then follow Fly’s Mother’s Day manual

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  6. crimedog1976

    Great piece, will follow your sage advise Sir!

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  7. ballsnackpappitastic
    ballsnackpappitastic

    Best post ever!

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  8. UncleBuccs

    Dr. Fly, the above sounds wonderful. Now here’s a tip for you younger bucks. One day, your mother in law will pass away. Regardless of her demeanor in life, in your wife’s mind, this woman will instantly attain sainthood. Mother’s Day, along with her birthday will turn into solemn, sulking periods, even effecting days before and after the actual date. Here’s what you say to your wife on such occasions: “Your mother has been on my mind. How about we light a candle/votive in her memory today?” There really isn’t much else you can do, but this does seem to work…

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  9. sloop

    Being 51 I am hesitant to post now that I know I am in violation of the ground rules. However I must commend Mr. Fly for a well written piece. If this were 25 years ago I would have opted for the bag of Cocaine and a bottle of Champaign. However she is now delighted with flowers and a four star restaurant.

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  10. figesmalls

    Under NO circumstances should anyone without any “Y” chromosome be called “Pal” on this day.
    I am shocked you neglected this piece of information.

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  11. dewey dortmunder
    dewey dortmunder

    Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms. Is there anywhere on here that I can find out about the PPT? Also am I the only one on here that uses my real name?

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  12. rahagar

    Mom is getting an OB signal about now. Sell until her birthday and go away.

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  13. Bob

    Fly, let’s be honest, your wife is definitely a heffer

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    • alf44

      .

      … what could possibly compel you to post that ?

      Did you get some perverse satisfaction ?

      Do you NOW feel somehow empowered ?

      —–

      You’re fuckin’ PATHETIC !!!

      .

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  14. bushwacker2

    Bob, you are an ignoramus. Firstly it is bad form to comment on a gentleman’s wife, other than to say “she looks lovely” , or if you are of the younger ilk, “your wife looks smoking red hot today”. The fact that you ignored this protocol and acceptable code of conduct is pathetic. Very shortly a young man in French couture and a white whig shall appear at you doorstep requesting your presence at a duel, with flintlock pistols, at which time you shall meet your demise by the hand of Mr Fly or designee of his choice.

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  15. alf44

    .
    … I have met Mr. and Mrs. Fly and can assure you … they are a VERY striking couple !

    .

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  16. Bullish

    I went with #’s 3 and 7. Gonna be a fine evening indeed.

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  17. bonobo smores

    I take it there are not many moms on this board, but for those who do attend, Happy Day.

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  18. Dave

    Excellent article and advice Mr. Fly. However, I just turned 50 but dont look a day over 65. Please keep me on your site in spite of my age. I am married to a gorgeous 30 yr old Bosnian girl who is quite domesticated.

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  19. tradercaddy

    On this Mother’s Day I “killed two birds with one stone.”
    My wife and I (my mother has been deceased for 20+ years) went to see the Tampa Bays Rays play the Cleveland Indians and her present was a vey nice bonnet (with the Rays logo) which they gave out FREE to the first 10,000 ladies.

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  20. Dr Fly

    My wife looks 10 years younger than her age, fit and very good looking, by popular standards. I, on the other hand, am a barbarian in need of a war.

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  21. jose mann

    Sir Fly, but there must be something that Mrs. Fly see in you that is utterly irresistible …

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  22. sloop

    TIME TO GET BACK TO TRADING……

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  23. bushwacker2

    Yeah, fuck trading (not really). My trading strategy is to go “Wal-Mart” on the market—-small profit margins, but a lot of volume.

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  24. sloop

    If the S&P is rejected at 1,890 I’m putting 100K worth of SPXS and sitting on it until we break S&P 1,900

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  25. 2mugs

    Epic, I love you Fly!

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  26. bear54

    Fly
    Good one. The Thanks giving guide is my favorite, it is unbeatable.

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  27. mackypinky

    Fly, you forgot to ‘stuff your wife’ at the end.

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  28. bensteinsmoney

    It’s still a bull market … careful with your shorts

    http://caldaro.wordpress.com/2014/05/10/weekend-update-446/

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    • Cascadian

      Reloading shorts for an epic squeeze!

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    • sloop

      Great article. Thanks yes I realize the trend is still bullish but too many things are collapsing around the market. Earnings are not hitting well at all. It takes a LONG time to turn a freighter around but its coming

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  29. Drake sucks

    Brilliant as always.

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  30. Cascadian

    Does all that assure the gentleman of receiving oral sex upon retiring with the gloriously honored mother?

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    • Dr. Fly

      Cascadian

      If you are married with kids, the answer is most certainly no.

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      • sloop

        If he thinks that, you KNOW he’s not married. .LOL!! That stuff stops the moment the kid arrives. NEVER EVER to return You are now reduced to a grade above a kitchen appliance. lol!

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  31. sloop

    Futures are slipping

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  32. jdf

    What kind of idiot washes chicken with vinegar? Actually cooking the chicken is ideal.

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