ALL IN (AGAIN)

With today’s purchases of NXPI and AAPL, I am 100% long. In other words, I am setting myself up for such a beat down, my reincarnated future soul will feel the after-shocks. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, just 99% of them.

This time around, I find myself sashaying, almost floating above the ground, long grandpa stocks. That’s right, Le Fly is in his rocking chair, carving his “throwing stick” with a rambo knife, donning an authentic AFRICAN MASK. Thanks to YELP, my gains have been more than halved, putting my gains to +9% for the year. With the addition of my rocking chair portfolio, I expect to recover anywhere from 1-3% over the next month or two. The rest of my psychopathic stocks will either offset that or fuel my winship to new levels.

I made a premeditated decision to “ride or die” because that’s what Space Alien Magicians (SAM’s) do. We travel from galaxy to galaxy, sapping resources, ejecting fuckers from 0hio into outerspace, sans space suit, and generally have fun doing it. But this go around has been vexing for me. On Jupiter’s Stone and the eyes of Poseidon, I loathe this market with ever fiber of my existence. It has hoodwinked and swindled me for more than a year, a dry spell a person such as myself could not stand to bear for more than 2 or 3 weeks, let alone 20 times that.

Until I find a market I am willing to river boat gamble in, I shall endeavor to collect my dividends, vote at shareholder meetings and CRY FOUL, while furiously and energetically waiving my certs at the board of directors– when spending gets out of line at my grandfather investments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkxxBxeqMJ8

I bought AAPL and NXPI.

The numbers were incredible and Tim Cook now has $112 billion to eventually squander. As he plots the demise of Apple, the stock still has a run left in it. Moreover, so do AAPL derivative plays, such as AVGO, CRUS, NXPI, GLW, OVTI, ARMH and even SNDK. I am certain SNDK will somehow weasel their way into the Cook household for the iPhone 5.

Durable goods numbers were really bad, the worst since 2009.

We’re fucked.

Bernanke will speak today, clamming it up for the whole world to see. Expect nothing but the truth: Fed policy will remain loose forever because…we’re fucked.

Now Europe is off to the races and US futures are higher, so this should be a grande day.  Like I said in a previous post, the bears should die today, set aflame in a rustic style, via BBQ charcoals to the face and chest.

While I prepare the flammables for immediate use, BEHOLD the spectacular magnificence that was and is Steve Jobs.

NOTE: BEWARE OF THE FUCKING TOTEM POLE!!! (coming soon to iBC)

The Apple numbers were nothing short of staggering. The weakness started when the jackasses over at SNDK warned of how badly they sucked and how their handset sales were in the gutter. What people do not realize is the non-existent exposure SNDK has to AAPL. If you want a real levered play to AAPL, look at AVGO.

The SNDK numbers meant nothing. AAPL is Godzilla and everyone else is Japan. Therefore, it is my belief Godzilla will stomp out some fucking buildings tomorrow and eat the people inside of them, using giant antennas as toothpicks. Tech should rally, led by chips. But it might be a one day event, which is why I am heavily long grandpa stocks, like GIS, KMB and WM.

For the month of May, I am cautiously optimistic, with a paranoid eyeball fixed on the ongoings in Europe.

Off for a late night ride in my new calash.

I had another gay day at the office, sustained by infuriating losses in YELP. I do not wish to talk about it right now.

Nothing else matters but AAPL’s quarterly report.

Popcorn time.

I have only 3% cash reserves, after buying the following names.

KMB
GIS
PEP
MJN
WM
LNCE

The way I looked at things, I needed to allocate a large sum of capital and fast, thanks to my rapidly depreciating 30% position in YELP. Well, after the recent knife drop, it is markedly less than 30% of holdings. Nevertheless, I chose to get big, boring and moribund, long a variety of high dividend, grandpa stocks–specifically designed to do well during a weak tape.

For growth and gambling, I have YELP, CPST, EXK and WNR–more than enough to keep my blood pressure elevated.

My YELP profits have vaporized into the air. They drifted away with the gale winds to Africa, where they fell silently onto the soft Sahara sands, atop a pile of camel shit– from a camel who was just whipped by a lunatic Moroccan. That’s the market: on top of the world yesterday and a pile of camel dung today.

Europe is softening into their last few hours of trade and US futures have surrendered all of their gains, setting us up for another “woosh” lower. I don’t think this market can move forward without knowing the status of AAPL. After going up forever, the shares are in a legitimate spiral lower, as Tim Cook fancies himself to be Steven Jobs II, with a keen eye on nothing other than back office operations. Eventually, he will destroy the company and the brand.

Nevertheless, I will be allocating capital into the sell-off, should it materialize in earnest. The more earnest the better.

F regained its investment grade status at Fitch and NFLX is having its dick chopped off in pre-market trade.

My next series of buys will surprise you because of their low risk profile nature. Gone are the days when Senor Tropicana placed his balls on the cutting board, whilst speed chopping carrots. I can’t do that shit anymore. Look at this fucking YELP, cocksucker, dipping me in hot oil on a daily basis. God only knows what those animals will report on 5/2.

It’s time to slow the fuck down and quit the river boat gambling scene. Regrettably, this is not the time of year to bet big. We’re heading into the summer months, traditionally a fucked up time for stocks, so trade accordingly.

We are going to revolutionize the way content is delivered here within a day or two. This will vex many of you who are accustomed to the current design. But it’s for the better, trust me when I say that.

The new design will give more prominence to news and folks posting in the Blogger Network. If you want to be known, I strongly advise signing up and starting your own blog here on iBC.

The theme will be focus on freshness. Literally, out with the old and in with the new is coming here very soon.

Developing…

NOTE: This is a rough draft, without bells and whistles.

Nothing is really working, not even Kellogg’s. I bought some EXK this afternoon based upon SHOMP. Over the past 12 months, The PPT has been flawless in flagging oversold readings for EXK.

See for yourself.

It was small purchase, just 3% of assets. As you know, all of my investable dollars are tied up in YELP, CPST and WNR; but I am 50% cash. I’ve always said “this european shit scares me, it rattles my bones.” And it still does.

The idea of the euro collapsing is too much to bear, frankly. The thought of the entire financial system failing is at best cartoonish– totally devoid of reason, only equal to the declaration of war against magnificent northern masters by the original terrorists: the confederates, long, long ago.

My best guess says we gap lower tomorrow, pushing the weak into crevasses. Margin liquidations will be abundant, as Senor Tropicana follows through on his promise to purchase them!

Surprisingly, our markets are holding firm, following the nazi 3.3% wipe out today. The theory is Germany gets fucked when the euro collapses. Therefore, logic dictates, sell German stocks with reckless abandon.

Are you people out of your fucking minds?

Haven’t we seen this movie before? I know the ending. We get all jumpy, worried about the future of some fucking bozos in Madrid. Then at the last second, like magic, they get bailed out and the markets scream to new highs. Does anyone sincerely believe this will not happen?

But there’s a process, I know. So we need to sift through the horseshit and make believe the whole game isn’t rigged. Let’s just pretend this is capitalism and we’re just going to have to take the hits. Then when the pain gets too serious, we’ll call for a time out and ask for the remedy.

Into diving markets like this, I tend to gravitate towards gold/silver. I’ve been meaning to buy some for the past two weeks and prices have only gone lower. So I think I will buy a little EXK today, if only to feel as if I am doing something constructive with my life as a manager of money. I will buy a little and do so with great alacrity, starting now.