The Important Matter of Stock Trading Robots

So, for months, I’ve been seeing this “stock robot” trading machine ad, all over the net. From time to time, it would pop up on my blog too; so I bought one.

The “stock trading robot” was delivered in a metal box, about half the size of a coffin. I’m sure my neighbors thought “The Fly” was having dead monkey’s delivered to his house. Very nice.

Fuck them.

After the delivery men left, I opened the mini-coffin and turned the robot on—thinking this ugly fucker was my next meal ticket.

At first, he was just an ordinary robot, with stupid movements and “low-IQ-ish” behavior.

But, I noticed he was picking up on some of my mannerisms, such as asking for coffee, then pouring it into an idle Starbucks cup.

Crazy shit.

After getting familiar with this robot, I decided it was time to see what the fucker could do at the trading desk.

One day, me and this coffee pouring robot stepped into the office, much to everyone else’s chagrin. I introduced the “stock robot” to everyone, declaring: “take a good look at your future replacement.” I even programmed the robot to say cool things, like: “fuck you, you’re dead” and “your Mother is a goat milker.”

He would constantly say that shit. Good times.

So anyway, seeing the robot trade for about a week, I was somewhat unimpressed. I mean, all that fucker would do is buy MVIS, sell short CWTR, then automatically throw something at my trader/servant— every 47 1/2 minutes (I programmed him to do that).

With the amount of money I paid for this fucker, I thought he was going to make me billions. Instead, this shitcan ended up short circuiting himself, via pouring an entire pot of hot hot coffee over his dumb robot head.

A terrible way to die, indeed.

The moral of the story: “stock trading robots”are fucktards and they don’t work. Keep those fucking robots in the factories and out of the trading room.

Trust me.

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