Congratulations House DuPont! Terms For $59 Billion Merger with Dow Chemical Have Been Agreed Upon

DuPont Chairman and CEO, a Mr. Edward Breen, will preside over the combined companies and subjugate all of the lowly Dow executives to cubicles in the boardroom. Meanwhile, House DuPont will be working feverishly to fire people, stragglers and persons of low quality who are redundant. The great enemy of any successful organization is redundancy. The combined company seeks to produce $3b in ‘cost savings’ by increasing efficiency.

Also, the newly formed global titan will be working towards splitting up the company into 3 separate entities by the end of 2018. Some of you might be wondering ‘why the fuck bother to merge, if you’re only going to break the shit up’? See that’s why House DuPont is where they are, at the very top of the American aristocracy, and you’re there like a fool playing with charts. The new entities will be in agriculture, specialty products and material science.

I especially enjoy the ‘specialty products’ label, as that might include just about anything at all–even chimeras!

One last order of business before the merger can commence is to receive DOJ approval. Naturally, this is all for show for the little people, like watching hand puppets at the theatre. I am sure the DOJ will quickly and expeditiously approve the newly formed monopoly, for the sake of the country.