OH NO! THE NASDAQ IS DOWN FOR THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER

What next?

What’s next is this: giant fucking melt up in October, mother llamas.

Let me explain.

I was nervous about a large drop in september–but it didn’t happen. Technically, it could still happen, but not very likely. Let me walk you though some history, son, grab your pencils.

Since 1999, the NASDAQ has been down in september on 6 previous occasions, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2008 and 2011. Being that 9/11 occurred in 2001, it’s safe to say that was an outlier event. 2008 was also an outlier event, as the world was crumbling to pieces.

Here are the returns in september and october for the years mentioned above.

2000: -12.7%, -7.9% (dot come debacle)

2001: -21%, +17%

2002: -11.8%, +18.45%

2003: -2.9%, +8.5%

2008: -15.5%, -15.5%

2011: -4.5%, +10.4%

Which year is this market most like, if you were forced to choose, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2008 or 2011? I know the circumstances were different and there is no perfect match, but entertain me.

I already know the answer: 2003

The returns were greater back then–because we were climbing out from the abyss. But the patterns, month by month, match.

My best guess: we run higher by 5% in October.

One of our engineers used to work for the NSA and has a meticulous method by which to track all of you, by IP address and ‘street cams’. Consider yourselves under surveillance, 23 hours per day. That being said, I am happy to announce that “no new readers will be allowed to read iBankCoin”–set forth herein.

“But what does this mean for me?” cried the scaddly dressed lad from the rafters– with the likeness of a porcupine.

It means that you are fortunate to have visited the site before today. Any new readers will be redirected to the offices of Dr. Gregory Solomon.

“But why have ya done such a fookin stupid thing, ya dumb shite? cried the barberous man standing half naked in front of his television.

iBankCoin was never meant to be consumed on an industrial level. When I started off blogging, I never wanted any of you to read me. It was for my own pleasure, to write about the markets and discuss the depravity of my fellow man. But you wouldn’t stop coming. After finding the site, you forced friends and family to read us too. It has gotten to the point of utter and sheer ridiculousness that I have to share this website with so many other people, most of which are of a ‘low quality and caliber human being.’

“Will you ever open the site up for new readers again?” cried the gentleman smoking a pipe whilst throwing human flesh into his fireplace.

Perhaps. But at this point, all I can say is to go away and visit some other finance sites who like readers.

I’ll take one more question.

“BUY NUGT NOW”, cried the homeless man dressed in an overcoat, whilst roasting rat on a stick over a flaming barrel of garbage.

Banned.

Armageddon has been averted. All is good on the eastern front, as well as the west–especially since William H. Gross is kicking the nuts out of PIMCO. I made a 180 degree move today and if one of you little beer swillers leaves a comment, such as “THE TOP IS IN,” I will literally track you down and punch your ears off.

Aside from BITA, PANW and EMES, I pressed the nuclear button and went long 12 names, out of the 35 that I am long, in an effort to focus on what’s really important.

“What is important Fly?”

What’s important is that I make a ton of money, kick old people down subway steps, and tell my wife “out the way hun”, when I am into my stock shit.

Some of the names that I bought today include YELP, CHK, DVN, SLCA, BEAV, BX, LPNT, MY, BID and LAZ.

I am long, creatine strong, and abiding by the sublime laws of nature, dictated by mathematics (SHOMP).

NOTE: Remember to take advantage of the After Hours with Option Addict free trial today. It ends today.

Bulk buys in the above names. I am still in the process of allocating into a broad spectrum of names.

I sold them all.

I am in the process of reallocating.

I hate to get political on you; but I will do it anyway. I love the fact the Attorney General Eric Holder resigned–because it gives me all sorts of ideas where to place him next. I was thinking he could head up the IRS and Michelle Obama (MOBAMA) could be new AG. Why not? She’s a lawyer.

As IRS chief, Eric could wield his newly forged powers of middle earth and audit the shit out of the republicans who dare sue him. Then, using his new powers, he could build IRS prisons and mandate that anyone found guilty of tax evasion, of course with the approval of the new AG, be sentenced to a minimum of 15 years. The prisons will be fashioned after the old gulags of Siberia, work camps where men go to die or succumb to frost bite and have their legs sawed off.

Lastly, I propose that President Obama be afforded another term, a curtain call of sorts, in the style of the great FDR, so that we might endure his grandeur and superb basketball skills for another 4 years.

Last night I built an extensive buy list of companies whose share prices have been checked over the past month. I was surprised to see how extensive the damage was, considering we’re coming off new highs.

Over 250 stocks, with market caps over $1 billion, are down more than 20% this past month. Entire sectors, like shipping and coal, teeter on the edge of insolvency. The oil and gas space has been rocked to the point of absurdity. And the tech sector hasn’t been much fun either.

Let’s not forget, consumer dominated industries, like retail and restaurants, have been dead money for three years now.

Let’s make one thing abundantly clear: there isn’t a systemic problem in the economy, unless of course mass bankruptices amidst shipping and coal companies causes some sort of disruption. But we haven’t had a real dip in years and what better time than now, post QE, as the world fucks itself with ebola and war, etc., etc.

I need help, trust me I know.

The bottom line: LITB guided up and should run, like a devil chasing a priest, to $10. I like the ethanol space for a bounce, despite ethanol prices at 3 year lows. And, of course, I think energy should bounce, which in turn will help solar run a little. I haven’t sold TLT, ETR or EXC yet–because I am not motivated to do so.

Super creepy, bond guru, Bill Gross upended himself from PIMCO and moseyed on over to third rate firm, Janus Capital. On that news, shares of JNS are soaring.

Bill leaves PIMCO amidst the SEC throwing meated loaf at his firm for all sorts of irregularities, none of which– I am sure– he had anything to do with. Bill has a long storied career, one of legend–building PIMCO from a piece of shit scrappy dick-licker firm, into the powerhouse it is today. After Mohammed El Arian fired himself, crazy stories started to spread forth the internet about Bill’s eccentric work environment.

But, see here lads, that’s just more corporate bullshit. The ingrates over at PIMCO didn’t appreciate what they had with Bill. They figured they could do it without him, channeling a brand of hubris that pairs rather nicely with success.

At 70 years old, worth over a billion dollars, William H. Gross will now show the catamites at PIMCO who really runs bond-town, albeit from the denizen of a third rate player.

Bill intends to drink their milkshake.

Side note: Bill starts work Monday.

My situation might be different from yours. I am not being dismantled by this drop, off by just 1% for the day. I imagine many of you are down between 2-5%, for this session alone. My trading accounts are down much less. It’s my longer term holdings, the 35 names I’ve alluded to, that are doing damage to me.

I’ve had an amazing run from my May lows and was bestowed a gift from the stock gods in the form of a surging IFON share price, which subsequently allowed me to exit with honor. I accepted the gift and promised to never sin again.

I am balls deep in TLT, ETR and EXC, all conservative positions that serve me in two ways.

1. They don’t tank on days like this.

2. They can be liquidated immediately and the funds can be redeployed into riskier avenues of fun.

But, looking at this market, the question lingers in my head: “why should I buy now?”

We might very well get a bounce tomorrow and everything will surge. But I will make plenty of money in my 35 stocks and my defensive ones will not tank; they’re moribund statues of austerity.

The way I see it, the only way I am to reverse my deficit and post gains for 2014 is by nailing a Hail Mary trade, an outlier event that is missed by most, captured by the best.

With that in mind, I will tell you my honest opinion, without dramatic flair.

We will get a bounce tomorrow, perhaps not at the open, but by the close. If we do not, rest assured, based upon the non-negotiable laws of mathematics, we will get one on Monday. After 5 days time, the rally might fail and we may resume lower again, causing great pain and sorrow for the masses who bedevil me with inane questions.

In summary, there is an easy trade to be made; but I am hoping for something bigger.

Yes the market is careening lower and Ag Holder is stepping down. There is war in the middle east, pestilence in Africa, and downright chicanery in Asia. Has the world really changed?

Small children from the internets: this is seasonal. The market always defecates on itself in September. Every once in awhile we get a crash, or two. The Gatsby-styled parties, starring champagne and colossal shrimp, will have to be postponed due to market conditions.

But remember this: great opportunity presents itself when there are rivers of blood flowing through the streets of Wall. If you buy today, you are resigning yourself to the status quo–mediocrity. The market bounces and you take 7%. But if you wait for something extraordinary, a larger drop, and then nail it; well then, you’re looking at 25-50% returns on a single trade.

Based off recent history, the declines have been shallow and the large opportunity is always evasive. But there is a difference in the matrix now. QE has ended and the previous two QE endings have resulted in -16% and -19% market returns.

Perhaps you should be patient and go whale hunting?

As for me, my largest holdings are TLT, ETR, EXC and SOL. The first three represents almost 50% of my trading dollars, so I’m fairly defensive into this drop.