MARKETS RAMP INTO THE CLOSE; NEW HIGHS AND JOYOUS OCCASIONS ABOUND

What wonderful splendor. Everyone made money today, from dollar bulls to bond longs. Everyone won but gold longs; but they’re not human. They’re subhuman offal, floating about the lagoon, corrupting and infecting the environment with their rhetoric. Some argue that vaccines are poisonous toxins, or how Ted Cruz is actually a tool for the Bush crime family. I posit that gold bugs are wholly responsible for global warming.

Markets crushed higher into the close, collapsing the wheeled chairs of disabled folks worldwide. I have a keen interest in only seeing the complete and thorough annihilation of the oil barrel class of investor. As far as I am concerned, the rest of you are free and welcomed to thrive and run about the prairies, eating zebra and giraffes, if you should choose to do so.

But know this. This arid weather you seem to be enjoying now will not last. Very soon, within 2 week’s time, a great thunderous storm will appear, flooding the prairie, causing great angst and carnage amongst the irresponsible zebra eaters. Giraffes will roam free and step on the heads of those caught in the floods (they have long necks and can survive the floods). Le Fly will appear, out of nowhere, manning an ark, floating free and fast, pummeling over the skulls of the zebra eaters–like small rocks on the bottom of the ocean floor.

The VIX is like the loser index of the market, the fat girl at the end of the bar, the uncoordinated athlete on the football team. It has now entered the retard zone of zealotry. This is the part of the story when traders are gallivanting about the drawing room, popping champagne corks into each other’s faces–until one of them filled with c-4 explosives blows up the whole room.

The last time the VIX fell this hard was in March of 2012. Shortly thereafter, in May of 2012, the S&P 500 fell by 6%.

This argument about keeping the minimum wage depressed is so fucking absurd. It’s not like the asshole at WMT or TGT are reinvesting the money wisely into plants and equipment. For the most part, they’re jetsetting around the globe, lavishing themselves with ridiculous pay packages and buying back their own stock like imbeciles. Many of these C-level execs are taking far too much viagra and I think there are deleterious effects on cognitive functions associated with too many erections.

At any rate, Goldman runs down a list of names who might be hurt, mildly, by a hike in minimum wage. Could you imagine the outcry if these devils were forced to pay a normal wage and weren’t wholly reliant upon slavery abroad to produce their goods?

Why, their checkered pants might get a crease or two.

Goldman analysts led by Ben Snider and David Kostin, note that for every 1 percent rise in labor costs (above a baseline of 3 percent) there’s a 0.7 percent drag on earnings per share for the S&P 500. That headline figure disguises a big industry-level variation, however.

Names in the low labor cost basket include Netflix Inc., NIKE Inc., Exxon Mobile Corp., and Metlife Inc. Companies in the high-cost basket which are more exposed to higher pay are Whole Foods Market Inc., Yahoo! Inc., and General Mills Inc.

I don’t understand. Where is WMT, TGT and other retailers? What sort of research is this?

Don’t forget, Andrew Left is being generous here, so don’t forget him in your nightly prayers.

Here are their main talking points.

The Company has tacitly admitted that their corporate strategy for
penetrating autonomous driving has been inadequate all along (Wall Street
has completely ignored this major blunder.)

2. Clear evidence has emerged that the ADAS competitive landscape is rapidly
succumbing to commoditization.

3. Insider selling has reached a level that has gone from abusive to obscene
4. The analyst community has lowered forecasts, and the company admits no
visibility in its business model after 2019.

Mobileye is meeting with institutional investors this week. The company is doing
their best imitation of a college kid at a bar at 2:00 AM: They say whatever they
have to do to get into bed, regardless of the truth.

I really couldn’t care less about MBLY. I do have a bias against Israeli based companies (some of my best friends are jewish), since many of them are Chinese styled scams. Nevertheless, you be the judge and jury and executioner if it should come to that.

Full Citron Report here.

Fuck Mobile’d Eye.

I don’t trust these vaccines, not in the least. There is overwhelming evidence that the pharmaceutical industry partakes in chicanery, in between helping save people’s lives. Perhaps this is the process by which we go through, in order to find good medicine and science? Perhaps we are all, or some of us are, guinea pigs for the benefit of mankind? Or, is there something much more insidious going on here?

From the research I’ve done, this Gardasil vaccine is particularly venomous. My advice to young parents is to do your research and don’t trust your asshole Doctor. Most of them are script writers and part time alcoholic pill poppers who haven’t picked up a medical journal since college.

Finally, we are getting some broadening out of this rally. Up until now, the rally was marooned in the commodity sectors, a Chinese reflation trade gone parabolic. But now we’re seeing significant moves in real companies whose cash flows do not rely upon the superfluities of some Prince in Saudi Arabia.

Some of the standouts include FIT (+10%), EBIX (+9.6%), TWOU (+6.7%), AMBA (+6.6%), MU (+5.5%), ATVI (+4.2%), TWTR (+3.7%) and GRMN (+4.3%).

On the back of those stellar JPM numbers, bank stocks are up more than 3%, led by DB (+8%), SIVB (+6%) and C (+5%).

There are a slew of high profile names moving higher in a very strong manner. Breadth stands at 77%, also strong.

According to Exodus, the top short squeezes are occurring in EBIX, X, AKS, LXU and SGMS. In the momentum tracker, SID, UNXL, GGB, WETF, FTK and CLF are standouts.

Additionally, I’ve created a screen that digitizes technical analysis to find a specific “look” on a chart, one that produces stocks that are trading in a consolidation, sideways pattern, about to breakout.

Here is the first page.

In all, this is the best rally day in some time. Everything is clicking, even bonds and the dollar. Everything is up. My sole bias and short position lies in the large oil companies, whose shares are egregiously overvalued. It’s one thing to buy CHK at $3 and to see it double because it’s not going bankrupt–at least not yet. It’s another thing to buy XOM and CVX, ad nauseam, thinking earnings power warrants a soaring stock price.

It does not.

Make no mistake, this is a huge win for the sloths at GPRO. To land a guy of Coster’s caliber, they must’ve offered him some great incentives and made a really good deal (extra Trump).

As shares of GPRO run higher and the media is reporting this news as breaking, citing some asshole online site called “The Information” as its source (what an innovative name), I stumbled across this article from a Kiwi website (Coster is from NZ) that mentioned his new opportunity at GoPro and is a month old.

So, what the fuck is going on here? Has everyone gone mad?

Crude inventories just came out and showed a build of 6.6 mill barrels, up from the estimate of only 1.4 mill.

On this news, crude is slightly lower, just a smidge.

No worries, however, since our pals in the House of Saud, in conjunction with the Russians, are going to freeze production at record, all time high, jaw leveling levels.

As you were.

Today’s rally is being led by steel, aluminum and copper stocks. This is an affirmation that all is well and good in the great dog eating walled nation of China.

FCX has catapulted above $11, more than tripling from the February lows.

Spearheaded by the price of iron ore, X, has done nothing but outperform.

There is literally nothing that can stop this pornographic train of profit from stopping now. We have the oil, the resources and the debt to pull it off.

NASDAQ 5000 baby, here we come!

Note: I shorted more XLE because it’s fucking retarded.

Early this morning, JPM announced they set aside another $529 million to cover bad energy bets–bringing their total energy fuckery to $1.3 billion. That number was merely $500 million more than expected, from their gargantuan $44 billion portfolio.

As an aside, they also ‘set aside’ $162 million for fucked up metals and mining losses–which came in 62% higher than previously forecasted.