Tales of an Idiot Stockbroker

Early to rise and late to sleep, he went out into the world of finance like a man on a mission, armed with a silver tongue and a stubbornness born out of a hatred for failure. He dialed from a stack of Dun and Brad Streets, from morning till night, hoping to land a new client, in order to build his burgeoning business in the world of high finance. One week had passed without any progress and his frustration grew with juvenile energy and his managers were looking at with curious annoyance.  Plus, his car payments were due and the rent was expensive, as well as his new girlfriend(s).

On the 8th day without landing a new account, he sought out to get a ‘whale’. He cold called the most exclusive residential area of NYC (upper east side), despite everyone in NYC being filled with ‘dicks’ and ‘assholes’–a sordid combination that made cracking the wealthy city a task for any broker without personal introductions. In the event the wife picked up, he quickly hung up and moved onto the next ‘lead’ –mainly because they were obstinate ‘bitches’ and he was taught to avoid them at all costs.

It was 9:23pm when he landed his first account in 8 days, twenty three minutes past the legally accepted time. It was an arduous battle, as the ‘lead’ offered up a sundry of rebuttals, such as ‘let me talk to my wife’, ‘I am not liquid right now’, and ‘let me think about it for a day.’ All of these trivial objections were quickly overcome by the thoroughly trained broker and he reigned supreme that night–‘back-dooring’ this fellow into a new account statement.  The conversation had ended with the broker saying “I’ll pick you up 1,000 shares of XYZ at $33, not a penny more”, much to be bewilderment of an otherwise spent NYC asshole lead.

The broker went home that night with a real sense of accomplishment and pride, feeling as if he had just conquered Carthage, pillaged the town, raped the goats, and salted the lands.

Three days hence and 4 points lower, the broker took a reneg and ate a $4,000 hit.

They’re saying 29 have been injured, some very seriously, including an 8 year old, after an IED detonated in the Chelsea area of NYC. Police discovered another device a few blocks away from the point of explosion, in what appears to be a terrorist attack.

The fuckheaded and deranged NYC Mayor, DeBlasio, called it a “an intentional act.” Oh really, asshole? What else would you call it?

Oh, I know, terrorist attack.

The good Mayor, not knowing any facts, or who did it, roundly declared it WASN’T a terror attack. How could he be sure?

“Whatever the cause, New Yorkers will not be intimidated,” he said.

A grim Mr. de Blasio, speaking at a news conference at the scene, said “injuries are significant.” But he said, for the moment, none of them were life-threatening.

“I heard a big boom,” said Luke McConnell, who was visiting from Colorado and had been headed toward a restaurant on West 27th Street. “I felt it, like a concussive wave, heading towards me.”

“Then there was a cloud of white smoke that came from the left side of 23rd Street near Sixth,” he said. “There was no fire, just smoke.”

The second device was found on W. 27th st was a pressure cooker like device, very similar to the one used in the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013.

The official said investigators “don’t have any suspects,” and are not questioning anyone.

Markets should rip higher on this news.

A dumpster detonated in the Chelsea part of NYC, rocking nearby buildings and shattering windows, injuring at least 25.

This explosion occurred just blocks away from Chelsea Clinton’s NYC pad. It’s worth noting, it’s a little fucking lame for someone named Chelsea to be living in Chelsea.

One person described the explosion as “100x louder than thunder.”

Here is actual footage before and after explosion

Here is the scene moments after explosion.

The first moments after the explosion in Chelsea… pic.twitter.com/phYUx9iv5U

— Marcus Baram (@mbaram) September 18, 2016

No word on what group of fuckheads were responsible for this terrorist attack yet.

The Clinton campaign is dedicating time, resources and energy to declare war against Pepe the Frog, a cartoon figure who they view as an unsavory white supremacist.

The recent row started when Trump Jr. posted this comical pic on his Instagram account.

Most people are laughing and throwing mashed potatoes at the Clinton camp for worrying about this. Truth is, the Clinton camp should be worried about this and I’ll tell you why in a little bit.

Who the fuck is Pepe the Frog?

A primer

CNN freaking out.

On HillaryClinton.com, they actually penned a piece discussing how sinister Pepe is. You can’t make this stuff up.

Instead of talking about topics, the theme of the Clinton campaign is to distract voters with personal attacks, in attempt to depict Trump as a fucking cross burning racist. The reason why this meme is so dangerous to them is because it’s funny and it appeals to the half brain dead millennial generation, effectively making Trump appear to be cool, as opposed to the sickly, evil bitch image that Hillary gives out.

Pepe the Frog must be defeated by all means necessary.

And then there was this beauty from Washpo the other day. Just a little biased, no?

I’m sure it’s all one big misunderstanding. Maybe a few wires got crossed. It is being reported that more than 62 troops, loyal to Assad, the ally of Russia, have been killed by U.S. bombings. This is especially curious, just a day after Russia publicly humiliated the Obama administration for wanting to keep the prospective cease fire agreement secret from the UN.

Syria is claiming the bombing helped ISIS overrun an airport they were defending.

They further their claims, saying this act of aggression was ‘conclusive evidence’ that the US and its allies control and help ISIS.

Mind blown.

Syria’s army general command said warplanes from the U.S.-led coalition bombed a Syrian army position at Jebel Tharda near Deir al-Zor airport on Saturday, paving the way for Islamic State fighters to overun it.

The air strike killed Syrian soldiers and was “conclusive evidence” that the U.S. and its allies support the jihadist group, the Syrian army said in a statement, noting that the strike was “dangerous and blatant aggression”.

Russia had this to say about the deteriorating situation in Syria.

Russian General Vladimir Savchenko said “the situation in Syria is worsening”, with 55 rebel attacks over the past 24 hours, leading to the deaths of 12 civilians.

Gen Poznikhir said Russia, an ally of the Syrian government, was doing all it could to rein in Syrian troops.

“If the American side does not take the necessary measures to carry out its obligations… a breakdown of the ceasefire will be on the United States,” he said.

“The United States and the so-called moderate groups they control have not met a single obligation they assumed in the framework of the Geneva agreement.”

Numerous ceasefire breaches by Syrian government troops and rebel groups have been reported

The terms require moderate rebel groups to separate themselves from jihadists.

Gen Poznikhir said: “Our repeated messages to the American side are left without a response. There is doubt that the US is able to influence the moderate opposition they control.”

Russia said that if things didn’t change, they’d resume bombing Syrian rebels. I love how we gingerly stroll towards World War 3 like a walk in the park. There isn’t a peep of concern from the media, aside from evil Russian hackers working to elect Trump.

UPDATE: The U.S. says the unfortunate incident was, in fact, an accident.

When I tell people to get long treasuries, they look at me as if I had three dicks on my forehead. The most common response is ‘by golly, bonds are expensive, are they not?’

The short answer is yes, but not compared to other foreign sovereigns.

The reason to get long and to stay long bonds has everything to do with central bank policy. We’ve discussed the overt manipulation in European and Japanese yields. It’s on the record and main stream news. They are printing money and using it to drop yields, in both federal and corporate credits. With this backdrop, an investor in bonds literally has a guaranteed bagholder for as long as these policies persist.

Also, I think any logical person would conclude that US bonds shouldn’t be trading at a discount to Italian, Spanish and French bonds, but they are. There is a great arb play here and worth exploiting.

How does this trade implode? Here are a few scenarios.

Central Banks stop QE

Under this scenario, I suspect bonds will get hit pretty hard. The assumption is they will not stop QE for fear of causing dislocations within the EU, similar to 2011, when the PIGS diverged from German bonds. There is always a chance they will try to get off QE. However, odds are, at the first sign of economic weakness, they’ll get right back on the QE tit.

The economy roars

None of the data suggests that we’ll see a booming 3%+ economy. From almost every vantage point, the economy is likely to plod along at a steady 1-2% pace.

People sell bonds for stocks

Being that markets are near record highs already, with bonds higher by 15% year to date, I find little motive for investors to sell bonds, as part of their asset allocation models, just to grab more exposure in equities. This isn’t how the real world works. Bonds are bought by governments, large institutions and the layman who wants income, for low risk and high liquidity aspects of the investment.

Take a look at the seasonality stats for TLT and how every other year since 2010 it traded down in September.

You don’t buy bonds to make a fortune. Bonds should be bought as part of an allocation strategy and/or for safety reasons. Should the market go down, rest assured, there will be a flight to safety to bonds.

Plus anyway, the worst case scenario, in terms of drawdowns, is 5-10%. Shit, when playing with those little Chinese devil stocks 5-10% is the daily range.

In summary, everyone is overthinking the bond market and they’re not reflecting new information into their theories. This isn’t the same bond market that grandpa traded in. This is a disgusting cesspool of manipulators with endless supplies of money to help alleviate the borrowing costs for their stifling debts. Get it? Rates can’t go up because of the debt. If central banks stop QE and begin a comical campaign to hike, parts and pieces of traders will be festooned all over Wall Street, as markets dive into the abyss.

I’m just playing the probabilities, nothing more.

You know things aren’t right when the fucking Russians are calling us out for lack of transparency.

J. Kerry has been trying to broker a cease fire agreement with those hacking devils in Russia and appear to have been trolled by them. In an embarrassing press briefing released by the Kremlin, Russia said they cannot endorse the deal because Washington refuses to share the documents with the UN.

“The main problem … which in my mind makes it impossible to produce any resolution, is that they are refusing to give those documents to members of the Security Council or even to read those documents to the members of the Security Council,” Ambassador Churkin told reporters.

“We believe that we cannot ask them (council members) to support documents which they haven’t seen,” said Churkin, suggesting there was lack of unity in U.S. President Barack Obama’s administration toward the agreement.

The U.S. mission to the United Nations said it could not agree with Russia on a way to brief the council that would “not compromise the operational security of the arrangement.”

“Right now we are focused on the implementation of the agreement brokered by Secretary Kerry and Foreign Minister Lavrov, particularly the urgent need for humanitarian aid to reach Syrians in need,” a U.S. spokesperson said in a statement.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry reached agreement on five documents, which they said would not be publicly released. However, France on Thursday called on the United States to share details of the deal.

“They, in their typical way, came up with a completely different thing, which is trying to interpret and reinterpret the agreement,” Churkin said, referring to U.S. officials.

Someone press the reset button again.

Happy Friday. This is truly genius, using the medias penchant for depraved bias against them is very new for any politician, let alone one  running for President.

He invited the press to discuss the origins of Obama’s birth. They saw this as an opportunity to write scathing reports, dubbing him a conspiracy theorist and/or wasting time on unimportant topics like this. What they got was an hour of former Generals endorsing Trump instead.

Daily Caller has more.

"We Got Played" Yes you did and it was beautiful!! Now STFU, Hillary camp started #Birtherism. #CheckMate pic.twitter.com/hPghuwMaFP

— Deplorable Erika?? (@ms_erika74) September 16, 2016

It’s not logical to position for a Fed hike next week, especially since current CME chances of it happening are just 15%, but that’s exactly what some people are doing today.

Observe the 2yr yield spiking while longer duration bonds sink.

The only reason why that would happen now, aside from a short term liquidity squeeze, is fear of an imminent rate hike. The fuckery is real.

Also, the dollar is soaring v the euro by 0.8% and 1.8% v the pound.

On the bright side, the treasury yield curve has blown out from 73bps to 92bps this week. This is a massive move and very bullish for banks. Essentially, the market is positioning for a Fed hike.

Thr chances of a December hike have risen to 53%, providing traders with somewhat of a cover for making these ridiculous trades.

It has been a long week for me, seemingly on the campaign trail, doing my duty as an American to preside over the destruction of the H. Clinton campaign.

My positioning in the market entails treasuries, gold, short FCX and cash, none of which have done well this week, save the copper turd. Markets are superfluous and always alive with misdirection and gregarious people trying to get rich. I believe, however, in the apocalypse and rather wait for lower prices, else die trying.

Sad news for Marxist Mark. A few years ago, he bought all of the homes around his house for $30m. Since then, he hired architects, designers, landscapers and artists to sketch out his future dream compound, which would entail building four homes around his for the purposes of enjoying life and family.

The Palo Alto Architectual Review Board told him to go fuck himself.

The Architectural Review Board voted 3-1 to recommend that city Planning Director Hillary Gitelman not approve Zuckerberg’s application to replace homes at 1451, 1457 and 1459 Hamilton Ave. and 1462 Edgewood Drive.

Kathy Scott, of the Walker-Warner Architects firm working with Zuckerberg, said the project seeks to expand her client’s space for “residential functions.”

“The idea is just to expand our client’s capacity to enjoy the property: sharing time with friends and family, having more outdoor space to play,” Scott said. “The current property is quite restricted and so this is just giving them more space for their residential functions.”

Mark’s current restrictive multi million dollar house is a mere 5,000 sq ft.

The vision of expanding a single homeowner’s “residential functions” is what raised red flags for board members who say that doing so would ruin the single-family home feel of the Crescent Park neighborhood.

Plans for all four homes meet architecture standards, but a single family using all four properties violates the city’s comprehensive plan and ideals in protecting single-family homes, board members said.

“There’s four homes,” board member Peter Baltay said. “Are there four families living in these homes?”

The Zuckerbergs currently have friends living in a couple of the homes and Scott said the other homes are used as an extension of their living, cooking, dining and entertaining quarters.

Baltay said his view is that these four houses are not separate residences.

“These are part of a larger compound,” Baltay said. “This is something you might find in Atherton: A large estate, a series of guest houses, recreational facilities, movie theaters surrounding a house.”

Board members Wynne Furth and Robert Gooyer agreed and said the floor plans for the homes show that they are not “credible” single-family dwellings.

Though each house has basic bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and laundry facilities to count as a standalone, the layout tells a different story.

Furth said one home has two bedrooms, three washers and dryers, a project room off the garage and “a really nice vegetable garden.”

Another home would be altered into a “great place for a party,” with a great room that’s 40 feet by 30 feet, a service kitchen and another larger room in the basement.

“If these things were put on the market individually, you’d have a hard time selling, because some of them are very unusual,” Gooyer said. “In the context, if you take all four of them, they make sense.”

Furth also said the proposal violates the zoning code when considered as a complex because single lots cannot exceed 20,000 square feet as a way to prevent net loss of housing stock.

Together, the four homes exceed 60,000 square feet. That figure does not include the adjacent property where the Zuckerbergs reside.

Combined with the principal dwelling, Furth said the compound is “even bigger and even more out of compliance.”

Scott said there are no plans to merge the lots or adjust lot lines so that the flexibility and independence of the four lots is maintained for future homeowners.

The Zuckerbergs also plan to remove the pools and maximize the garden areas and maintain the variety of trees, including live oaks, ginkgos and magnolias, Scott said.

“They bought the original house and these other properties in the neighborhood because they love the character of the neighborhood; its significant trees and the very residential scale and the variety of homes, and that’s what we’re endeavoring to preserve,” Scott said.

The project will return to the city’s planning director, who will decide whether to advance the project.

This is promising for Zuck, giving him more time to effect a proper bribe to get this deal closed.