Mea Culpa

Much to the chagrin of my mafia landscaper and illegal Mexicans, I ruined my entire front lawn, via excessive fertilizer and other egregious chemicals. It is now the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood, which leads “The Fly” to plot against his neighbors’ green grass, in the most depraved ways possible (mustard, sarin gas). Just today someone proposed that “perhaps aliens came to your house, look at those crop circles. (ha,ha,ha,ha)”

This vexes me a great deal.

Against the will of my landscaper, I’ve ordered the re-sodding of the entire lawn, and I quote: “get this hay the fuck out of here.”

I feel better now that I got this off of my chest.

Goodnight.

The “recession” of 2008 was nothing more than a temporary pause, in what can only be described as “the best bull market ever invented.” People, the banks are kicking ass again and the Chinese will grow at 12% forever. There is nothing to worry about, since all losses are guaranteed and all bills will be paid for by the Federal government.

Of course, being “fully invested” at all times is a splendid idea. As we melt up into the bell, I, regrettably, inform you of my egregious shortfalls in positioning for this rally in advance. I failed to foresee the egregious events unraveling right before my eyes and I mean that sincerely. Remember, stock market rallies or declines are not “stupid.” That title is reserved, solely, for people.

At any rate, I was bailed out today, due to big positions in a few longs. I’ve been fluctuating between 1-2% gains all day, but down aggressively in personal accounts. That’s the way the cookie crumbles people. Don’t cry and bitch about it. Pick your shit up and do better next time.

Folks UPDATE: “It’s AGAINST THE LAW, folks”

God Bless all things to do with DENNINGER.

I did not plan to be part of this rally; it just happened. As the stock Gods would have it, “The Fly” is being blessed with outsized gains in numerous positions.

Despite having nearly 40% in cash and 24% of assets in VXX, I am up 2%+ for the day, thanks in large part to “big dicked” gains in FTK, GLW, SD, iBN, SHLD and TEVA. In addition, I started a position in MMR, in for the fucking squeeze, Jack.

What’s important to note here, as always: “The Fly” wins all the time, even when it appears he is losing in the most heinous fashion ever. Do not bet against folks who put crop circles inside of your bullshit farms.

Into the final hour of trading, I expect to be blessed with even more exuberant intra-day gains in FTK.

If you are buying into today’s rally, you might as well do so while wearing a mask of a pig. Today’s pig-faced rally is nothing more than a small lesson to be learned, regarding gluttony, greed and how it pertains to short term investing. I’d be lying to you if I pretended to care about today’s rally. As a matter of fact, upon seeing the futures spike this morning, I made my way to the gym, in favor over lamenting in front of a fucking screen, bitching and whining about pigs and stocks.

Fast forward several hours and here I am doing bitching and moaning about pigs buying stocks. It’s nothing more than sour grapes, so pardon my candor. Also, it’s worth noting, my position is not bad. My only downside hedge, VXX, is down 4%. That sucks; but I have a portfolio of stocks screaming higher. As for TZA: it could be a lot worse.

Opportunity cost. That’s what is at stake here. The opportunity to partake in a little short squeezing is a coveted one. I regret not being heavily long today, so that I might press my boot on the necks of those who bet against me. Nevertheless, I still believe, emphatically, this market is nothing more than a time bomb, ticking away in the most whimsical fashion possible. It’s almost as if this exchange, between buyers and sellers, was designed by Dr. Suess.

For the remainder of the day, I will lament and feign injuries (ouch, my finger is hurt, I can’t trade); but I will not change my allocations.

Many of you are sitting by the fireside now, contemplating all of that delicious coin you are about to make tomorrow. You glance over at the futures and get a stiffy, for you are about to enter the stock market Hall of Fame, as “best investor in the history of the world.”

Warren Buffet can suck your cock, for he is old and stupid. Fuck his billions. You got thousands.

Anyway, you’re sleeping with a calculator next to your bed and figuring out how much money you are about to make. You figure, if you can make x amount of dollars by next week, you too can shop at Whole Foods like Le Fly. Up until now, you’ve been living out of canned and cardboard boxed food, like some sort of homeless fucker living under a bridge.

Do not count your chickens, for they have yet to hatch. As for me, I have contingency plans in place, in order to counter-strike all fucktarded events that may aim for my large balls. In other words, I shall fucking win, you miserable cocksucker.

Bet against me for too long and find yourself eating spam under a bridge.

Props to Ix for making this video of unparalleled excellence. It’s amazing what some of you fuckers will do for a t-shirt made in China.

UPDATE: RC posted a mash up of all submitted vids. Great work people.

Everyone likes to pick on Jim Cramer, mainly because he is out there. As much as I disagree with Jim, he started this financial blogging game and should be respected for that, if anything at all. Look, there is a reason why TSCM is trading @ $3, despite their big web presence and big subscription base: they’re old and tired.

Seriously, in the era of web 2.0, with all of Thestreet.com’s money, how the fuck does their premium blog site look like this? Look at how it is aligned to the left? Are they fucking serious about this design, or is it a joke?

There is no excuse for that. I can’t blame Cramer, since he does enough for the brand. Whoever is in charge of web development needs a stern talking to, and more. On Jupiter’s stone, TSCM should be fucking killing it right now; but they’re not. I do not pretend to know what the solution is to their problem. However, I can tell you right now, 90% of their writers suck dick. Even more, they (TSCM) pay their writers too damn much.

My advice: Fire everyone. Start fresh and tell Doug Kass to read Le Fly, so that he could get his market timing issue fixed.

Go to your local street corner and do 100 chin ups on your traffic light pole. Or, if that doesn’t float your Cadillac, do some vertical push ups off a fire hydrant or upside down squats off monkey bars. An important man of business, such as yourself, must stay in shape and release stress. Nothing says “stress relief” like a little urban workout regiment. Plus anyway, what are you gonna do, stare at the box all day, waiting for the market to do something nice? This shit is pure evil, spawned by dastardly Goldman tradebots. I have no interest in playing this game. I am 40% cash, 23% VXX and the rest long. Do the math.

I don’t give a shit.

Most of you are making large directional bets, which inadvertently lead to acute medical conditions, due to stress. Do yourself a favor and do some one arm push ups off a park railing. This market will not make you happy, just like most marriages.

As for you piker brokers out there: quit spinning your wheels. Get on the phone and make a friend.

As for me, I will partake in a little “r and r”, poolside, in order to get ready for the weekend. As you could readily understand, my life is very stressful. I mustn’t work too hard, else I might get sore fingers or my eyes might burn a little from looking at the screen. But I am sure you, big man on campus, have it all figured out. You’re over there buying puts or calls right now, hoping to hit stock market lotto, AND MORE. If you haven’t figured it out by now, the market is in “meat grinder” mode, where everyone loses. Sure, you can get lucky and fuck a pig in style. But at the end of the day, you’re still fucking a pig.

Words of wisdom.

More on this later.

This guy knows what’s up.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF1F4E_mfs4&feature=related 616 500]

Trading this market is like that movie groundhog day, where Bill Murray is forced to repeat the same day over and over, until he gets it right. Right out the gates, we dove 100 points on weaker than expected GDP numbers. Then, stronger than expected PMI/consumer confidence numbers buoyed the market higher. Now, we are about break-even.

Big fucking deal.

You try to get excited about this market, by stepping into some names here, and next thing you know the floor disappears and you end up in a pit filled with alligators. Sometimes, you have to make your bed, then lay in it. Even if that means being wrong: lay in it.

As far as I am concerned, we have a cool 400-700 points of near term downside. When I say “near term,” I mean over the next 1-3 months. Earnings have been for shit, as far as I see it. For every win, like CTXS, there are cataclysmic losses, like APKT or that God forsaken MLNX. If you are a publicly traded company, you better have some damn “Intel money” tucked away. Because if you miss, you are going right into the murderhole.

TLT is ripping to the upside, as well as FXY. It will take some serious heavy lifting to remove that burden, in order to allow the markets to run freely. Additionally, breadth is bad in most of the leading sectors. Essentially, if you are short, hang on awhile. If you are long, raise some cash. If you are hedged, go see a movie.

NOTE: As you know, we are gifting away 12631 t-shirts. There are some conditions. One condition was to tape oneself dead lifting 315lbs. Behold:

You think the market is doing great, no? Guess again.

Up until recently, everything was cruising along just fine for tech. Then we were blessed with misses out of AKAM, NVDA, CTV, SYMC, X, just to name a few. Other names like MRVL, TEVA, NFLX, ERIC, WDC, STX, and a slew of gold stocks, have been picked off. Large cap names like GOOG, RIG, MT, BP, AA, BLK, MON, PBR, NOK, GILD, ADBE are all down more than 20% year to date.

So what’s working?

It’s a fucking chop-fest. It really is a mixed bag. Aside from the casinos, which are all up big, there is no definitive theme this year. Maybe cloud computing plays can be considered a “theme”; but that’s a fucking stretch. As cool as VMW and CRM are now; they are tomorrow’s lunch. Mark my words.

Care for a burrito led rally, via CMG? Pathetic.

CMI has been a big winner, as the trucking industry stabilizes. And WFMI has soared, likely due to the egregious spending habits of Mrs. Fly. But I cannot put my finger on any particular sector and say “I got to own it.” I have been in and out of 4g, Foreign and Commodity names. Heck, I even built indexes in The PPT to display my favorites. But, more often than not, staying too long in any basket of stocks has led to disappointment.

Chemical and Ag names are very volatile and 100% unpredictable. Every other week POT and MOS are swinging double digit losses or gains, while the chems boom and bust every month. Because of all of this, I’ve been pigeon holed into trading in and out, more than usual. My year to date gains are fantastic and I am in a good position to profit, in the event the market declines. But, what I really want to do, more than anything else, is pick a basket of names and buy them for months, without having to worry about 15% drops in the general indices.

Going into the final month of the summer, I am extremely apprehensive about the prospects of this market. I can see us sticking around these levels, inside of a 1-5% range. However, I cannot think of a scenario where this market survives the seasonal Fall “fuck you clown fucker, you’re dead” trading environment. All of the chickens will be coming home to roost soon. States need money and Republicans need seats. It’s not gonna be pretty and the consumer is floundering, as evidenced by the multiple contraction of many retailers.

Tomorrow is just another trading day. I will not put too much credence into the GDP numbers, mainly because it’s all bullshit. The name of the game is jobs. You can tell the jobs market is fucked up badly, simply by looking at the earnings of MWW: dreadful. And, let’s not forget, TLT is still hovering around $100 and the Yen goes up daily.

In short: get small or get raped.