Here Come the Margin Clerks

They come from dark, cigar smoke filled, offices, where plants die from lack of photosynthesis and the careers of brokers are shattered, without a second glance. These “clerks” are bitches of the highest order, whose task is to sell, sell, sell, all the time, no matter what.

They search and scurry about for money wires and incoming checks. They do not care about your stories or reasons pertaining to why your equity is BELOW MINIMUM MAINTENANCE. They hate you, piker brokers, with all of their life force and look forward to blowing out of your bullshit positions, with negative equity, if possible, at 3:00, everyday.

You may ask for mercy or even trick these hideous creatures, in order to live another day BELOW MINIMUM MAINTENANCE; but they will get you.

These assholes will storm into your bullshit office, first thing tomorrow morning, demanding money wires, “else they will BLOW OUT” of your homo positions at 3:00, negative equity, if possible.

Here they come now.

I am a raging gorilla (on steroids and coke), eating all the fucking bananas. No bananas for you, fuckers. They are all for me. It is my tree, assholes.

In other news:

Look at Fifth Third Bancorp [[FITB]] today, up BIG on gov’t money. What the fuck does that mean?

Well, goat lovers, that means lots of banks will shoot higher off of this non-event, since the market deems it to be cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the market is gayer than a two dollar fiddle. However, it’s time for us to go higher now, at least for a day. It’s time for Zeus himself to come down and strike those who are short equities, with giant lightning bolts and buckets upon buckets of cold water from the Arctic
Ocean.

As you know, “The Fly” is aligned with the stock Gods and has a very keen eye for market turns. The lack of volatility is HUGE for pikers on the sidelines. The market needs a few sedatives, before a move up. Should this fucker stabilize, we shall have the “epic rally” I was alluding to last week.

When that happens, you’re going to want to be long emerging markets, like Hong Kong and Korea. Hell, you may even want to go long those hari-kari cancers from the east: Japan.

In short, Zeus is coming down (from the heavens), following his afternoon snack of grapes and sweet ambrosia. He is bringing his lightning bolts and arctic water with him, and will turn many bearshitters into smoldering piles of ash and shit, sometime soon.

NOTE: To play emerging markets, [[EEM]] , [[EWH]] , [[FXI]] and [[EWY]] are my favorites. For Japan, just go long Canon Inc. (ADR) [[CAJ]] or NTT DoCoMo, Inc. (ADR) [[DCM]]

You fuckers need to understand something:

“The Fly” is up more than 45% this year. In other words, I can afford to take chances that most of you cannot. Sure, I sold my inverse etf’s today, then went long, betting on some sort of miraculous turnaround. But, even if I am wrong, what am I risking? Money?

Money is an ass.

I still have more than 30% cash and a whole lot of leverage, if needed. So, basically, I am just moonlighting, trying to pick off a few good scalps, while drinking my excessively large can of Monster Energy Soda.

Much to my chagrin, the trading desk is having “technical difficulties” this morning, which in turn is encouraging me to murder my trader/servant.

I have all sorts of fun shit to do today, none of which is of any concern of yours, by the way. Just know, “The Fly” is kicking the chicken livers out of idle chickens and his football team is undefeated this year.

Top picks: [[UYG]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] , [[DIG]] , The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , [[EEM]]

UPDATE: I am down to 25% cash. I will freeze all additional buys until tomorrow.

Art Cashin wouldn’t be happy if the market fell 5,000 points today. That old bastard is one big fucktard. I don’t care if he’s been trading since the great depression; there has never been a market as bad as this—sans Japan circa 2008.

All of you chart chomping motherfuckers must be BESIDES yourselves, as the imaginary levels you built up for yourself fail and fail again. On the other hand, men with very high IQ’s, such as myself, game this market as if they were selling crack cocaine in the back of the White House (I have no idea what that meant).

With my money, I intend to cover my hedges today. I have a hunch; therefore I am going with it.

Going back to my “rich mans advice” post:

Half of my money is in bearish instruments. I will cover all of my shorts and sell my inverse etf’s at once, leaving the proceeds in cash. Doing this will put my cash position at around 57%, with another 43% long, specifically in commodities.

With the cash, I will start buying on dips, in increments, leaving no more than 25% in money markets.

More on this later.

UPDATE: I sold all of my [[SKF]] . With the proceeds, I bought [[DIG]] , [[ROM]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] . Presently, I have more than 40% in cash.

UPDATE II: I bought 100,000 [[UYG]] @ $8.12.

UPDATE III: Buying 1,000 share blocks of [[EEM]] , starting from 19.45.

The giant leg downs in foreign currencies, ex-Japan, are indicative of western money running for cover. Without a doubt, the next giant shoe will emerge in the emerging markets, ironically. Whether it comes in the form of national default, or widespread runs on foreign banks, one thing is abundantly clear: western investors have zero tolerance for risk.

One of the side caveats to the forex fuckery is the amount of exposure multi-national corporations have in Aussie, Euro, South American and Pac rim hedges. I guaranfuckingtee you, very soon, we will hear of all sorts of “forex related losses,” with hedges gone wrong, amidst calamitous drops in some high yield currencies.

In short, the dollar and yen have been the notable beneficiaries. It should not be a surprise to find out, sometime soon, Japanese banks have raped themselves, yet again, by lending money to Eastern European morons. And, let’s not forget, Japanese banks fund just about everything in Asia.

So, to sum things up:

European banks and corporations will soon reveal massive levels of rapery, via South American parties gone sour . American banks do not have the exposure to Latin America, like the Euro trash. However, our corporations are sure to have chockful of forex hedges gone wrong, as we like to sell our shit abroad in size. Chinese banks are toasty. And, Korean banks are the laughing stock of the Universe.

It’s just one more chapter to the greatest financial fuck up in the history of modern finance.

UPDATE: [youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-_-IKcoULE 450 300]

Wood’s favorite guy.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEV2dqojopY 450 300]

This one goes out to you small town homos.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C4VAtOF9Es&feature=related 450 300]

I bet you drug addicts thought I meant cocaine. Fucking losers.

So, here we are, rallying into the final hour. God bless.

All of my commodity stocks are booking higher, while my bank shorts rally up. Once again, I do not care where [[SKF]] goes. Providing my commodity plays book higher, the pullback in SKF is acceptable.

To clarify: my hedges are for a specific time period, not price level. I will look to take some hedges off, early next week.

I need to run along, for I am busy doing things that make me money. However, while I am gone, just know, “The Fly” hates you and will work very hard to undermine your opinions, no matter what.

NOTE: Bullish or bearish, you fuckers got to love the price levels in the oils names, especially Chevron Corporation [[CVX]] . The oil men with cash will use this weakness to acquire assets on sale. I insist, National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] is ghetto cheap.

NOTE II: Shame on CNBC for their disgraceful coverage today, tossing caution to the side and cheerleading the bull case, like fucking retarded imbeciles, despite the present dangers.

As you know, “The Fly” is in the business of making money for rich people. Even though many of you are destitute poor guys with less than a pot to piss in; I am going to give you some high end advice.

The markets are severely oversold. Using all fundamental metrics, one must get long into this carnage. The problem is the fear of systemic failure, which may lead to rampant protectionism and the end of globalization as we know it.

So, with that pleasant thought in mind, here’s what I am doing:

On an account size of 1million, I have 500k in double inverse etf’s, like [[SKF]] or [[SRS]] . In addition, I am going long deeply oversold commodity stocks, for two reasons:

1. Dollar strength is overdone.

2. Valuations are rifuckulous.

My buy list includes The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] , Occidental Petroleum Corporation [[OXY]] and Chevron Corporation [[CVX]] .

When buying stocks, in this tape, I am using a “legging in” approach. Meaning: if I intend to purchase 2,000 shares of a stock, I will execute that one trade in 250-500 share increments over an entire day, or in some cases multiple days. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the market to subside. And, there is nothing wrong with missing the exact bottom.

Out of 1million, my long equity exposure is approximately 40%, or 400k, leaving 10% or 100k in cash.

Here’s the dicey part:

On a whim of a major directional shift, I will deploy the 100k, or even lever up, and get long a double upside etf, like [[DIG]] or [[ROM]] .

Regarding my inverse etf’s, I will likely reduce my short exposure early next week, barring a complete collapse in the market.

The point of the game is survival. Cash is king, but entirely pointless. If you are going to attempt to navigate this tape, put your biases aside and protect your downside.

Now fuck off.

NOTE: Today I closed out my [[FXY]] position. That trade is also overdone.

NOTE II: Of course to pull off such a strategy, as mentioned above, timing is everything. Luck for me, I have a fucking time machine.

This is the softest crash I’ve endured all week. What kind of shit is this? By now, I am accustomed to BIG moves. I was hoping to see 10-20% down, just for the sheer entertainment value of it all. Instead, I get this shit?

WTF!?!

Anyway, there is marginal strength creeping back into ag names, specifically The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] . Also, there is a bunch of other shit going on; but who cares?

I am just really pissed off that a giant shark did not bite off the head of Joe the Plumbers pension fund and send that fucker seaworthy. This is alarming.

God willing, the margin clerks will “school house” the idiots who are buying this dip.

My position, as always, is long commodities, short banks.

In the meantime, here is a fine tune for you clown fuckers on Wall Street to enjoy, prior to the 3:00 margin call hour.