Retailers Breathe a Sigh of Relief as Looting Comes in Less Than Expected

Perhaps they were busy trying new marijuana blunts or sipping on some malted liquor whilst watching the foolsball game. But for whatever reason, retailers were spared the rope this BLACKENED FRIDAY WEEKEND, where companies like Target pretended to have items on discount but they were actually the same exact price as ordinary Thursday.

Nevertheless, the shoppers did their duty and stacked up more credit card debt to purchase new toasters and vacuums. There was one small looting event of note — this one in LOS ANGELES — modern day Sodom.

But what is $12,000 for a giant billion dollar retailer like Nike anyway? Mere seashells. They’ll drive their Vietnamese labor force to work extra hours for even less pay and reneg on shipping contracts and raise prices in affluent areas to make up the difference. People are CLAMORING for the new Nike Air Jordan’s — because they too want to be like Mike and slam the ball into the hoop and win the game!

Markets are sanguine in the face of the news, mildly higher and retailers are standing out. Like I said, a sigh of relief is being displayed today.

In more important news, in his way, Putin told the world the American LUNAR FUCKING LANDING was a fraud. What say you?