Merry Pagan X-Mas, iBankCoiners

Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:26pm EST 19

I physically recoil from the pagan holidays, nefarious schemes designed by Hollywood and the Coca-Cola corporation to empty my coffers into the pockets of local retailers. Christmas hasn’t been an enjoyable experience for me since adulthood, especially since I’ve been a father since the delicate age of 20 years old.

Each and every year, “The Fly” toils about the shopping mall for weeks on end, searching for pagan gifts to bestow upon spoiled members of my family, close friends, and total and complete strangers that have been deemed worthy by authorities higher than me. The result of all this holiday cheer is a total collapse of personal virility. Life itself appears to be very bleak and I loathe for a future timeline when the pagan holidays have been eliminated from the human psyche.

That being said, the pageantry of the holidays are very nice. I do enjoy a nice living tree shedding like fucking mad inside of my home and, of course, the enormous electricity bill ‘enjoyed’ by the litany of lights festooned on both the outside and inside of my personal storage facility. Travel is always ‘to be looked forward to’, as I’ve always dreamt of enduring bumper to bumper traffic en route to Brooklyn (Mom). Since I’m always driving, drinking is strictly prohibited, as killing people with my oversized gas guzzler is, apparently, against the law.

After racing home on Xmas eve, just in time for Santa Claus, I am dispatched very early on xmas morning to lay the groundwork for festivities. A great feast is to be prepared and entertainment for our many guests must be established — in spite of feeling Jeb Bush’d, low energy, cucked out surrender monkey’d.

However, I do wish you and yours a very happy xmas and hope that your experience is, inexorably, worse than mine.

Pro-tip: Sirius satellite is playing old xmas classic broadcasts on channel 148 this week — beckoning back to a time in America when the Coca-Cola company was still rumored to imbue their poisonous soda water with actual cocaine, rendering its customers magnanimous super-humans — both invincible immortals and powerful geniuses of the first magnitude.