Coming Soon to iBC: Trading Gorilla

I’ve purchased a real jungle type gorilla (not the zoo type variety), and will set him loose on the NYSE trading pits, with explicit sell orders on my behalf. Failure to recognize my “Trading Gorilla” will result in the immediate, and likely extremely punitive, lawsuit versus the cowards and species discriminators over at the exchange aka “the old boys club.” Let it be called the “old boys club,” plus a few “jungle variety gorillas.”

Krull, regarding the markets: This is too fucking funny. My favorite part is at the end. You will know what I mean, when you see it.

LE UPDÁTE!

Ack, ack, ack. Ack ack aaaaaack 40 ack!

Come one, come all.

Come and git your rootin’ tootin’ 40 Dow points, as part as the stimuli program brought hither by our Leader and Commander, Mr. Blankfein.

Do not let your brain get in the way of a little, good ol’ fashioned money. Hell, I’m over here sick as a pig from eating, well, pig. And still, I gathered up enough of my wits to make me some lotto money in this here Flotek Industries, Inc. [[FTK]] . Let this be a reminder to any of you Yankee types out there, readying to lawyer up against our great leader: GET YOUR FUCKING 40 FIRST, you dumb son of a bitch!!! It’s free money out here, folks. All you have to do is git yourself a nice sized shovel. Make yourself a trench. Then go on the computers and click a few of them silly buttons, THEN BAM: money manufactured to put in the trench!

God I love America.

UPDATE: I bought 2,500 Fuel Systems Solutions, Inc. [[FSYS]] @32.33

UPDATE II: Bought another 2,000 [[FSYS]] @ $32.85

UPDATE III: I bought 10,000 [[FTK]] @ $1.74.

I know the SaRS mobile is not for everyone. Over the past year, [[IYR]] has poleaxed all CRE shorts, thanks to the monster gains in Simon Property Group, Inc [[SPG]] , Vornado Realty Trust [[VNO]] and many other CRE names. However, there are some chinks in the armour [sic].

If I wasn’t sick to my stomach right now, I’d be digging further into shorting the following residential real estate plays.

Sun Communities, Inc. [[SUI]]

Apartment Investment and Management Co. [[AIV]]

UDR, Inc. [[UDR]]

Home Properties, Inc. [[HME]] and

Essex Property Trust, Inc. [[ESS]]

Come on already. Enough of the craziness. These fucking stocks, like many others, have run too far, based upon nothing. Keep in mind, I am not short any of these names. My entire representation in the space consists of a 20,000 share long position in [[SRS]] , cost basis $27.9. However, I’m just saying…

Oops: I forget that SRS split 5:1 today. My position is only 4,000 shares now.

Please excuse my absolute indifference for the market. While you were sleeping and dreaming of goats in boats, I was up all night fighting the Battle of Swine. Needless to say, the pig won, effectively dispatching Le Fly into the bathroom quarters for exorcist style upchucking.

As you read this now, I am held prisoner in my own home, awaiting the results of one half ounce of gatorade.

I see the market is green today, which should come to no one’s surprise. I am very happy to see my Flotek Industries, Inc. [[FTK]] position appreciate. With a little “lotto luck,” I will be selling it above $3.

Other positions worth your attention are TriQuint Semiconductor [[TQNT]] , Johnson Controls, Inc. [[JCI]] and [[CBD]] .

NOTE: [[TLT]] is up, so that’s good too.

Developing…

I didn’t bother turning on CNBC at 6pm (NYC time aka the only time that counts) today, since I was busy planning an egregious west coast vacation. But, one of my little lemmings came over, who was greeted with an immediate smack to the face for interrupting my favorite time of the day (6:47pm). He told me Cramer said Intel Corporation [[INTC]] is a double from present levels. Here we go with silly ol’, crazy ass Cramer again and again! By golly, that man is crazier than a ham sandwich, in Pakistan (as you know, that is indeed crazy)!

That is so fucked up, on so many levels. Where do I begin?

Okay, using consensus estimates and present FPE, Intel is cheap. As a matter of fact, if this current semi cycle can last forever, well, Intel will double, AND MORE. Inside of The PPT, Intel Corporation [[INTC]] is the #11 ranked stock, out of more than 4,000. So, it certainly is undervalued. With a FPE of 13 and net cash per share of about $2, Intel’s stock price can easily run to $30. But, for Cramer to go on the fucking teevee and suggest the company will add, oh, just another 120+ billion dollars in market cap, is more than ridiculous; it’s criminal.

Not criminal in the sense that he should share a cell with Charles Manson; but criminal in the failure to behave like an adult on the teevee, which of course, as you know, is punishable by death via wooden stake to the heart in Iran, Romania and parts of South East Mongolia.

Seriously and sincerely, Cramer needs to take his fucking meds again and do a little research on the boom and bust nature of the semiconductor cycle. While it’s true, all recent reports point to a severe shortage in Flash and DRAM memory chips, as well as bustling capacity utilization at all of the major foundries; I’ve seen this shit happen before and it always ends badly.

When investing in semis, remember this story:

I once had a client who loved SanDisk Corporation [[SNDK]] . We bought SNDK for around $10ish, back in 2003, just prior to the big run up. When the stock hit $60, my client was feeling all rich and shit, full of purpose and circumstance. His position was quite large and the paper gain made him pompous to the point that he became my most hilarious client of all time. Needless to say, when the shit hit the fan, he was woefully unprepared. As always, he refused to heed my dire warnings. Into the teeth of the 2008 decline, he ended up selling his position $2 points higher from his cost basis. Then I had to go out there and perform voodoo magic on his account, via shorting stocks, to make him feel better about himself. I am sure the roller-coaster ride inflicted his manhood in the most heinous of ways, putting limpy on the “blue pill” indefinitely. I have to admit, I was delighted by the whole ordeal. It made for great afternoon drama back then.

I have lots of stories, like the one above. The moral is: The NY Mets are the worst team in baseball, save the nonsense dished out from the fucking Pirates every year. And, semiconductor cycles are as reliable as first marriages or high school sweethearts.

I have the staying power of a fucking horse on large doses of viagra. I got over my morning hissy fit and decided to “stay the course,” vis a vis not selling out of [[TLT]] . The way I figure, I’ve traveled all this way to see a giant elephant jump off a diving board into a swimming pool, sans the water. God dammit, I will see that elephant massacre himself if it’s the last thing I do! Or, maybe I will just forget about the elephant and go hunting for gay giraffes.

I decided to shuffle the deck chairs instead, via selling out of General Cable Corporation [[BGC]] and Brocade Communications Systems, Inc. [[BRCD]] —both at a profit. And, adding to Flotek Industries, Inc. [[FTK]] and TriQuint Semiconductor [[TQNT]] positions, while initiating a new one in Johnson Controls, Inc. [[JCI]] .

Today was a “fanfabulous” day, with stocks skinning bears alive and climbing to new nonsensical levels. It’s worth noting, however, [[SRS]] behaved rather well, which is why I decided to keep it for another day or three. Let’s call it like it is, we’re all guessers, some guess better than others. You have your idiot charts, while I have my EPS estimates and robotic algorithms. At the end of the day, we are all subject to the whims and personality disorders of people like Bob Doll and Bill Gross.

I bought 50,000 Johnson Controls, Inc. [[JCI]] , north of $33, 10,000 Flotek Industries, Inc. [[FTK]] @ $1.60 and 10,000 TriQuint Semiconductor [[TQNT]] @ $7.95.

Disclaimer: If you buy the above stocks because of this post, you will find out, much later on, that the financial system was all a sham. A big fucking joke on the blue collar piker. And, you may lose money.

I sold out of General Cable Corporation [[BGC]] , north of $30.50.

UPDATE: I sold out BRCD, north of $6.50

All of the shit that you are doing now, I’ve already done. You think the market looks great and all of your little fucking stocks are awesome? Fuck you, I’ve been there and done that. While you are over there, sucking the pants off of some bullshit 4 letter stock, I am over here with a heart full of disdain, blogging away like the wind. Do not raise an eyebrow to Senor Tropicana when he says “it’s time to move on.” You have not earned the right to offer advice, nor will you ever.

See, pal, making money in a bull market is easy. Try banking coin when the tenants in your building are taking self inflicted howitzer shots to the face, on their lunch breaks, because the market stole their nest egg. For the record, I did not sell any [[TLT]] yet. However, if I chose to do so, well, that would be my fucking decision, wouldn’t it? Moreover, and let me make this 100% crystal clear for you: I’m not your fucking financial advisor. Fuck off and call the hacks from Merrill if you need someone to tell you nighttime stories and tuck your pathetic ass in at night.

What I do here, on this blog, is actually none of your concern. Sometimes I wish my blogs were written in invisible text, so that only I may read them.

This is my situation:

More than 60% of my assets are either in cash or treasuries and have not lost any value since they’ve been parked there.

10% of my assets are placed inside of a retard boat, [[VXX]] , getting hit with electric shock grenades on a daily basis.

30% of my assets are at all-time highs, invested in more than a dozen different equities.

All in all, my gains are about 15%, year to date. My choices are to be stubborn and wait for “my market” to magically appear. Or, I can just carry on with my life, throw some money back in the market and keep it on a very short leash.

The bottom line is this: my assets are at all-time motherfucking highs, coming off of a +90% 2009 and +60% 2008. Shame on you and your house for your sins. Shame.