Tea Ballin’

I have a feeling I might lose my coonskin cap and possum skin seat covers on account of writing this post. I’ve decided to write it anyway, if for nothing else, to give my due to the Blogfather.

You see, I have to admit, after Fly wrote about joining the Tea Party, I almost let loose a good ‘ole fashioned Southern rant in the comments section of his blog post. I didn’t because his focus was on the fundamentals, with little detail on the philosophy of the matter. The truth is that the philosophy of tea drinking is rather, well, not masculine, and it may lead to lisping, cardigans, and scarves. Real men drink coffee. We leave the tea to folks like Jason Treu.

But for some reason, the Teavana story stuck with me. Maybe it was the bit about educating the ‘Merican public about tea drinking…After a few days of ruminating upon the matter, it became clear to me that there might be a real market for the stuff. I began to think about Crocs, and Chipotle, and Netflix, and Starbucks, and the various other fads that have consumed the American consumer. Teavana seems to have element of both Crocs and Starbucks in that Tea could become the latest fad (Crocs) while also tapping into our need to appear cultured, smart, and hip (Starbucks).

So the other night, my five year old boy and I were killing time in one of the newest, fashionable, outdoor town centers. And by town center I mean mall. You know, the ones that are supposed to make you feel hip because you have to walk outside to get to the stores. Or maybe it makes you feel like you are getting exercise. I don’t know.  Really, it is the perfect setup for a five year old because he can run like his ass is on fire, jumping, spinning, and stuff and I don’t have to yell at him for it. If we were inside, I’d be yelling.

In between him reaching into the fountains and pulling out pennies and then throwing the pennies back in, I noticed a Teavana store. As we began to walk by it, there was no way I was going in it. No way. Culturally, my brain could not handle it. But as luck would have it (or maybe it was fate?) there was an attractive girl and boy offering samples of tea, just outside the store entrance. “Would you like to try some tea?” he asked. Dayum. It smelled really good, and it was free. For a moment, I thought that the girl would probably think I was some sort of redneck cretin if I did not agree to try the sample. I reluctantly asked what flavors they were offering. One of them had some fruit and stuff in it. I knew that if I tried that, I might be forever changed, so I opted for the chai blah blah mixed with the Asian-sounding something or other.

That’s my little guy hiding from the camera. Notice the samples on the tray to the right…

Fuck, that tea was excellent. Not only excellent, it was treuly enjoyable.

I tried to play it cool and uninterested. Just to be safe, I executed a three point shot with the tiny cup into the store trash, from about fifteen feet outside the entrance. That will show them, I thought.

Ten minutes later, under the pretense of taking a picture of the store for Fly, I was back in Teavana. I began to feel like a creeper, taking a picture without buying anything, and secretly, I wanted to buy some to bring home and impress my wife. She’s more cultured than I am.

I smiled and approached the counter. Luckily, the girl helped me. Something about buying tea from a boy about the same age as my oldest son bothered me. In addition, he was all knowledgeable about all things tea. I found myself feeling less-smart in his presence. The girl probably sensed that my first experience needed to be non-threatening, and so she stepped up to the counter.

I said I wanted to buy the stuff that I sampled. She explained it was a blend of two teas, and did I want them mixed? I was immediately bewildered, but I pulled myself back together. Much to my chagrin, I inquired about the price. Holy fuck!

And then I realized the genius that is Teavana. Once you decide to cross that line, that is, to buy hipster tea in a fancy store, you can’t balk at the price. They will see through you in an instant if you show the slightest surprise at paying upwards of 20 bucks for 4 ounces of tea. Also, you need the air tight canister for another 7 bucks because the last thing you want to have happen is your 20 buck stash of tea to go bad. If you refuse the canister, make sure you explain that it won’t match your tea-room decor. You must not mention zip-lock.

While buying the tea, the education began. The little label they put on the back tells you what temperature to make the water, how much tea to use, and how long to steep it. I’m not sure it makes much difference, what temperature and all, but it makes you feel smart, and for a second I believed that I might be in possession of knowledge that would make me better than the rest of the citizenry.

I brought home a 50/50 mixture of Samurai Chai Mate & White Ayurvedic Chai. The wife was impressed, and it was very very delicious.  As we enjoyed it, we leafed through the menu that they provided. Again, genius.

The next day, my wife already was making plans to buy Teavana tea for Christmas presents.

I’m seriously looking at starting a position in TEA.

 

 

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