This morning was all set to be a real shit show. The kind of day that makes ol’ Cain want to slit his wrists and watch the sun set. But then, just before the open, Saudi Arabia came out with some stern words for the oil markets, saving them from impending demise.
You see, Saudi Arabia just wants a fair deal; and to be recognized as SUPREME MASTERS OF THE OIL MARKETS. That’s not too much to ask for, is it? That a country representing less than 0.5% of the global population should have the absolute authority to dictate prices of a plentiful commodity found (thanks to advances in technology) pretty much everywhere.
Saudi Arabia wants to be the Federal Reserve, so to speak, of oil. They know in their hearts that they and they alone should have the capability to make wild eyed predictions and scribble down their own off the wall paranoia, and have those things be taken for the indelible fact for which they are.
That’s why Saudi Arabia felt the need, earlier last year, to utterly destroy the oil markets. Because it was their God given right to be in charge of those oil markets, and if they can’t be then no one will. Why should it matter that the good people of Saudi Arabia would have been inarguably better off if they had just accepted change and moved on? Sure, their finances wouldn’t be in complete shambles, but they would also be down one MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE hat. And as any gentleman knows, there is no price too high for a good hat.
Particularly when such hat says “MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE” written across the top of it.
So Saudi Arabia had to almost bankrupt half the planet’s oil and gas reserves, you see. Much like American Idol, if no one is watching, are you really a good singer? I mean, even if your singing is terrible and you’re like 10 years past needing to have the show cancelled and all the talented producers have already left, better to demand those camera’s keep on rolling, no?
So today, Saudi Arabia saved the oil markets; and will proceed to save the oil markets via jawboning every time they come under duress from now on. Why? Well because if they’re the ones talking when oil goes up, then they are obviously in charge still (even if we all know damn well they aren’t).
And isn’t that what really matters? Not technological innovation or stability of market pricing or running deficits one fifth of your national GDP…but love. Love, and of course the rights of a theocratic monarchy operating in the 21st century to destroy at least $500 billion of oil and gas debt and wipe out a couple trillion in market cap by operating against their own self interests?
But hey, at least the Saudi’s get to keep their fucking hat.