Timestamp this bitches: After EXACTLY 15 months of devouring luncheon meats and throwing back sawdust flavoured protein shakes with psychopathic diligence and surgical precision like a ravenous barbarian, I am officially OFF the 4-Hour Body diet.

Final Stats: net loss 25lbs; max loss 40lbs falling short of intended goal of pre-wedding weight by 10lbs. Bench press: 315lbs for 8 reps; 2-rep max 355lbs.

I will be endeavoring on the new Arnold-endorsed Carbo Back Loading (CBL) starting today.

From what I understand this diet is NOT for everyone: It was designed for juice monkeys throwing iron around of 70% or more of your max for typically an hour.  So if you are a newb, still using your sister’s weights, or a fat-faced yoga troll, or one of those long distance runner types looking for that oh so sexy anemic crack ho with AIDS look, back-loading isn’t for you.  And yes, this also includes you laying on your couch eating Doritos Jabba the fucking Hut types too–stick with the $300 a pop B12 shots at Dr. Bernstein’s…

  I’m still learning the intricate details of this new fandangled diet but the gist of it is as follows: it is similar to the 4-Hour body, being it another low carb diet, except after the first 10 days, you splurge on a gluttonous “back-loading” diet of glazed donuts and highly glycemic dogshit, and then repeat “back-loading” on workout days and low-carb on days you don’t train as you did for the first 10 days…   

Be forewarned, during the start of any new diet, it is advised to keep small children inside as my temper is like a lit stick of dynamite and it has been known that my arms tend to involuntarily punch random people in the fucking face and push unsuspecting bystanders into oncoming traffic. 

And if you insist on loitering here, being the perverted voyeur that you are, and were expecting perhaps a friendlier demeanor now, a more humble and calmer experience reading my blogs and Facebook updates, please take this with the utmost sincerity and honesty when I say to you, “fuck right off already.”  

Getting to stocks, I picked up 8-ball sized portions of DDD and FIVE at the bell yesterday. I see FIVE, despite beating the Street on its Q2 EPS after the bell yesterday, has my testicles in the vise this morning… But it is offset with glorious gains in DDD and V…  

Good Morning.

I spent the entire day yesterday pandering to the wife’s every caprice, like I was her pet fucking monkey, driving “Mrs. Daisy” here and there, around the entire city, spending stupid as fuck amounts of cash on utter dogshit… “Now take me to Shoppers…”

Like I don’t have better things to fucking do…I usually like to spend my weekends sharpening my African throwing spears, preparing myself for war on the next trading day and entertain myself belittling those unwashed vagrants who like to seek attention leaving vulgarities on my Facebook wall and inboxes..

But this was important to her. Of course I caved.. like the spineless knave that I am… Apparently she had just unlocked one of the universe’s great mysteries, free chocolate. And not just any chocolate.. we’re talking the good stuff here, the primo shit rich people on 400-foot yachts with heli-pads like to use for their hedonistic fondue parties..

You see, my wife is an extreme couponer. Yeah yeah. Laugh it up asshole… I know what you’re thinking… …borderline hoarder… What a bunch of asshats.. high income, high net worth and they have to coupon??

We heard all the stereotypes already, so fuck you.
 

 
Well, get this. Upon explaining this chocolate deal in detail to me, not only does she get the chocolate for free, the store gives her an extra $2 cash back in redemption points. Big fucking deal, right? That’s chump change.. crumbs! Whooped dee fucking doo..

Let’s put all this in perspective here. As a trader, we never look at what price a stock is; it’s all about the percentages. Let’s say you bought AAPL at $650 and sold it at Friday’s close of $680 for a 5% return; AMZN sold at $260 when bought $230; the same $30 dollar value amount equates to a 13% return. That’s double the return for less than half the capital risk exposure. This is about scale.

Getting back to the chocolate: For buying 4 chocolate bars for $8, she gets $10 back; that’s a 125% return! This is akin to buying AAPL at $302 and selling it on Friday for $680!!! Only here, she managed to pull this off on a Sunday afternoon!! And this doesn’t take into account the 20% discount she got in savings off the regular retail price of the chocolate bars… So really, this is more like perfectly timed dip buy at $302 from a regularly trading price of $377… In addition, if she waits for a certain time of year for a particular annual promotion near Christmas, she’ll earn double that amount…well, fuck me running sideways with a TV up my ass, That’s a 250% return!! So in AAPL terms, that’s like selling it a couple months from now for $755!! The kicker? No capital gains tax either.

The more and more she lets me in on the details of some of her couponing escapades, it dawns on me how very similar it is to trading stocks. She belongs to several social networks to exchange ideas and strategies with other couponers; she studies as much as I do with stocks; plans out her monthly, weekly, and even daily gameplan before heading out to do her damage to the local grocery store…

Currently, and for the last 3 weeks, she has also found the next MSFT;  she’s killing it with a 10-bagger times 5 deal on a coke-addled gorilla run for the ages, except this is iced tea and not stock…. And, the above said chocolate ordeal is nothing compared to this shit or what she has pulled off over the past year.. In fact, her return percentages easily, almost comically, horse rapes those numbers of degenerate Timothy Sykes penny stock guys ilk!

Not only am I married to a mathematical genius, my wife is Lex fucking Luthor.. with coupons. Now if only I can harness her superhuman powers in for the common good or stocks… I could retire right the fuck now.

Pretty fucking cool… I imagine this is quite similar to how The Fly travels in his time machine… with all the people cheering and shit too..

Full disclosure of portfolio holdings as of September 7th, 2012…

Linked from my personal blog:  http://criticalperception.blogspot.ca/2012/09/current-portfolio-holdings.html

Long term holdings….

Yeah. That’s right…. I’m fucking WINNING.

Have a good weekend.

DDD bouncing off the 50 day on numerous occasions… looking to get in on it today if if falls back to it…

 
UPDATE: I never got any orders for DDD filled today as it bounced off S1 support and never looked back… I will be putting this puppy on my watchlist and hope we revisit the 50 day again in the next couple of days… Anything $39 or lower is a buy, and DDD should be back in the $44 territory soon after…

“Don’t get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he’s up, you’re down. You see how it all evens out for me?”

– Jerry Seinfeld

In 2008, during the peak of the recent Alberta oil boom, oil was $140/bbl, the Cdn dollar was above parity with the USD, and home values were at all time highs as was my portfolio, 100% invested in my buy and hold forever asset mix of AAPL, potash and uranium– no worries here- everyone needs food, energy and iPhones, fuck stops, this shit “has to” go up forever…

I was working retardo hours, as was everyone else in this province, on what seemed like the never ending money train, printing $6500 per week after taxes; and my YTD gross earnings at lifetime fucking highs. We were all rich and geniuses, doing lines of blow atop escorts. Life was good indeed.

Little did I know at the time, mostly because I was too fucking cocky, too fucking complacent, and too fucking busy to pay attention what was going on in the world around me; my portfolio was losing $10K a day and was quickly going to $00.00.  By the time I finally took notice, it was already too late and everything else was going to shit and more. The Cdn dollar was teasing $0.70 on a good day, oil went to $35/bbl, and we were all wondering if we were still going to have jobs the next day, every day we showed up to work… it’s the Universe’s great balancing act…

Just last weekend, as I had mentioned in earlier posts, 18 co-workers had just won the lottery, splitting over $20 million among them. I stewed over it for a few days because it stings;  it is still the hottest topic at work and I am reminded every fucking day as I used to be part of that group a couple of years ago.

I left the group because we had already won a 5 of 6 number draw-potting us a whopping $630 each only to give it all back in the following weeks buying more tickets. I figured fuck this shit, “lightening never hits the same place twice” and at the time our numbers couldn’t hit a dirty vag in a whorehouse nevermind a free ticket!  Plus being cheap as fuck doesn’t help my cause either… I’ve got better things to do with my money!!

The thing is, there’s probably at least a half more dozen peeps on suicide watch now, as I know there are guys out there who’ve donated much more and for longer into that lottery fund than I, and either got laid off or left this job to find greener pastures elsewhere.

For me, this hurts like a missed opportunity, like selling a stock way too fucking early… Well to add to my slap in the face with hot pizza slices, I blew out my 500 shares of LNKD and 3000 shares of KORS earlier this year as part of my ‘sell in May and go away event’, only to see both rip tits to all time highs yesterday and now looking at my YTD on my paycheque, well, fuck me over gently, it’s at 10-year lows.

Seeing how everyone else get cocaine fever yesterday, with the ECB firing up the presses, as a trader I needed to get my fucking head outta my ass and stop moping over the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” and start looking at the “now and next”.

Well, lo and behold! AAPL is at all time fucking highs! You know what that means? My portfolio is at all time fucking highs too! Timestamp that bitches!

Funny how things even out. I’m ‘Even Steven’. Time to join the cocaine party.

Who wants to talk stocks when there’s 18 newly minted millionaires, that you know personally and work with, running around the jungle with erect penises, talking shit, doing lines of blow atop fine escorts…

Each winner, a salt of the Earth kind of guy, with his own unique story to tell, I’m sure, about their lifetime of hardships and their own dream finally coming true…

17 of 18 new millionaires…

 

Still, that’s alot of “fuck you” money, cold hard liquid cash, to get, all in one ejaculation shot.  It took me years to accumulate that kind of wad in net worth,  at my turret on a daily basis, constantly on the lookout for the next GOOG, dodging munitions, Matrix-style, and putting up with all you dicksuckers and your sage advice on how AAPL is going to $00.00 because you so happen to feel the need to justify your big-screen Samsung phone purchase.

To this day, I spend countless hours studying gay charts and retarded trendlines, keeping up on all the bullshit news, putting my testicles on the counter while speed chopping carrots, anticipating at any second, some fucktard out of Europe may say something and make everything magically disappear; but, in the back of mind, I can’t help thinking maybe I should’ve been buying lotto tickets all this time instead of juggling pinless hand grenades…  The feeling is akin to training at the gym; sweating your bag off, throwing iron around for years and some skinny fuck walks in off the street, sticks a syringe in between his toes, and pounds out the same weight and number of reps as you just did on the bench press; except in this case there’s 18 of them skinny fucks, and they’re all in front of you at the water fountain…  I think what truly gets my goat is the fact that I gotta run around at work even more now to cover for these fuckers; laugh it up but if you had 18 guys at your workplace just get up and leave, even just to take the week off, tell me that doesn’t disrupt the workplace at all.

Mind you, if that was me that won the lottery, and I didn’t blow it all in one shot that same evening by putting it all on red and letting it ride like the degenerate OTB guy that I am, I’d probably be in the same boat… Actually I would still show up to work just to fuck with guys and see how long it would take them to fire my ass.  Why not? I’d be testing people to see what their “number” was, getting them to do all sorts of stupid dog tricks and shit… “OK would you take 5 grand to shit on that guy’s desk…no? How ’bout 10? ”  “25G’s to anyone that will take that crane over there and put that guy’s car on top of that 200′ tower over there..” 

Sigh… back at ‘er… at least AAPL is green this morning…

I would like to express my gratitude to all those that wished me a “Happy Birthday” this past weekend with a polite ‘fuck you very much’.

Please do not take offense to my 4-letter lack of benediction; you see, I’m just not that into birthdays, especially mine… And I stopped years ago acknowledging any well- intended wishes past 12 noon on this day… much like April Fool’s Day…

Seriously, what are you really wishing for me here? “Congrats ya old fucker, you’re even older now! HAHA!!”

And I’m supposed to celebrate the grandeur of being one year closer to my wheelchair next to an idle manhole with the ill-proportioned consumption of cake and extreme opulent gluttony?? Surely you jest. In all honesty, I think you just want cake and you’re all happy I can still chew my own food and haven’t shit my pants yet.

It was exactly 4 years ago, on my birthday in 2008, I partied hardy, ranted and raved, laughed and drank, not exactly in that order, but pretty fucking close. I celebrated via dancing on the heads of vagrants, kicking politicians down moving escalators, and mocking old fuckers buying homes they couldn’t afford, while talking shit about outsized gains, making a small fortune buying AAPL and Potash stocks; and how I went from basement poor, plebbing along the streets of Wall and Bay, dressed in burlap and velcro to penthouse rich, with cocaine dinner party extravagance while punching random people in the face as I pleased.

Little did I know at the time, this birthday, my birthday, marked the beginning of the end, the worst case scenario had happened, capital losses, spawned from hell, were doled out judiciously, packaged with care, and hand delivered to my front door… AAPL went from $175 to $85 by month’s end, POT from $179 to $77… By the official start of the Great Crash of 2008 on October 6th, when the DOW dropped off a cliff, losing 2400 pts in 8 days, I was already dead…

Death in pictures…

“Happy birthday, fucked face”, my brokerage firm said to me as they pulled my ‘VIP’ status and preferred client rates away… “No soup for you”.. indeed.

What’s my point here?

Answer: Birthdays are for kids, silly rabbit. And suckers. Markets don’t give two fucks about them and neither do you.

 
UPDATE: To make my birthday that much more extra special this year, I have just been informed a group of guys of which I work with, have just won $20 million dollars in the lottery.  I quit buying weekly lottery tickets with this group a year and a half ago… FML.

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

-Steve Jobs

Indeed, the last bastion of original thought belongs to small children and psychopaths. I had no idea until recently how fine that line was between them…

 I found a comicbook my 9 year old drew a couple of years ago…

In his own words he outlined the plot to me: Apparently there are two worlds: Ninja World and Man- Death World.. the battles happen in Man-Death World and all the cool stuff is located in Ninja World.  Notice all the ‘red’ accents depicting battles and death…and strangely enough there’s also a teleporter in the background..

Aaah yes… the brilliant mind of a 7-year old child! As you can see my son is destined to manage money.  Little did I know at the time he is becoming quite the sage in predicting daily stock market action in his pictures….

Notice how his comicbook here looks awfully familiar to the Fly’s iBC patented “cock and balls” formation in 2011??

It’s all about Bernanke this morning…. For the love of small dogs with gay haircuts jumping thru flaming hoops, can you believe there are more tweets about Bernanke on Stocktwits  than $AAPL right now!!

There are only three possible outcomes of all this hoopla… cocaine in rapidly spinning ceiling fans, death by bunga bunga, and Costanza dick chop action… trade accordingly addicts…  

Here are your AAPL stuff you may want to look at today..

 Max Pain: looking for a 665 pin today…

Open interest: I would expect AAPL to trade near the lower end of the 650-670 strikes today despite what you are seeing in pre-market trading right now… This of course may change depending any fucktarded news of POMO or Armageddon out of Jackson’s Hole this morning…

 
Good luck in all your trades…

UPDATE: “Apparently it doesn’t matter: Stocks are trading up with or without QE. Life is one giant Costanza trade.” -The Fly.

AAPL trading today accordingly to options manipulation like a well oiled machine… UP on Mondays/ Tuesdays (peak share pricing for the week); DOWN Thursday/ Friday (lows hitting bottom Friday morning)…  still looking to pin the $665 pin as weeklies expire today… then off to the races into the  iPhone 5 announcement…

It’s amusing watching all you fucktards talking shit while playing pinless hand grenade hot potato with flaccid dicks today.

But if you insist on rammiing the entire fucking crack pipe down your throat before Jackson’s Hole does you that favour but thru the other side… or if you can’t help yourself because you are indeed a vagrant OCD OTB guy at Binion’s hopped up on the sauce, trying to get an edge on AAPL , here’s what you may want to look at:

Your Fibonacci Retracement Values:

23.6% Retracement Value      $654.13

38.2% Retracement Value      $637.59

50.0% Retracement Value      $624.21

61.8% Retracement Value      $610.84

If the SPX decides to give us the fuck you, we’re all dead look, peeps are predicting on twitter, AAPL tends to respond well bouncing off the 50% retracement levels, so $624.21… 

Plus if you’re looking to get long and chase this shit up on a bounce, today’s action only sees AAPL still working off some overbought conditions from its recent tit rip.

Just remember if you are thinking of staying short, iPhone 5 announcement is due Sept. 12th and here’s a look at what AAPL does before its product announcements..

Long or short, an important rule I keep is ya gotta pay your due respect to them degenerate options guys…

So, looking at the Max Pain OI chart, it looks like AAPL is not trading anything out of the odrdinary today in terms of options manipulation…  share price tends to move away rom the highest open interest so I’d expect AAPL to float nicely between the $660 and $680 peaks. 

Good luck in all your trades….