HUMBLE PIE: It’s What’s for Dinner (UPDATED)

Another glorious day in God’s year of 2012, led forward by FOSL, Grossle, Tossle and Vossle. I stand before you a successful man. I like to consider myself one, as I’ve worked to that end for well over a decade and change. The magical things seen in the market today and nothing more than reruns of previous tapes. The game is always the same, only the characters change–in this case symbols.

Top picks: WNR, DMND

UPDATE: Apparently prosecutors are “looking into” DMND’s bribery tactics, which has been well known to everyone for a thousand years now. There is a reason why the stock is trading down here. Nevertheless, I will double my position into this decline, should it stick. The premise behind the investment is valuation, irrespective of this inquiry. This is not Enron, at least I hope not. My apologies to anyone who bought it because of me.

I am pushing +1% for the day, thanks to gains in FOSL. My cash was reduced yesterday, with the FSLR and DMND buys, down to 20%. I got my enemies on the run, fossilized, as I prepare for my next win.

I’m throwing cocaine all over my DMND nuts, whilst smoking my peace pipe. It is destined, or might I say, inevitable, that the shares trade north, as it is customary to do so. SHAME ON YOUR HOUSE of deceit and vagrancy for ham and egging it in 2012. You are undeserving of a grandfather clock.

Pardon the redundancy of my repetition. Quit being selfish. This domain is not for you, but for the millions. “The Fly” is on a world stage, delivering winship from Shenzen to Puma Punku back to NYC. Do you argue with the operator of a movie theatre for playing the same film 5 times per day because you’ve already seen said movie? Your needs are in fact secondary to the greater good, which is to enlighten barbaric subhumans as to the proper management of money.

Now some of you delve into the degeneracy of Twitter for stock advice. I partake in Twitter for amusement; but let’s be clear, it is the dark alleyway, un-policed, three miles away from the Estates at iBankCoin. What you see here is financial reason on the highest levels, tailor made and also translated for the masses.

Into the later hours of the day, I expect DMND to start cutting nuts off, rinsing them, and packaging them up in tin cans for your consumption.

I’m playing pool with the testicles (NO HOMO) of FOSL shorts today. Don’t worry, I wear white gloves at all times. I am not selling into this rally. Let it come back down, as the market gives up. I’ve been to the future and know where this one lands, ultimately.

Your grave error was thinking this was 2011. Sir, take a look at your calendar and understand that while Le Fly sips champagne from the 6th floor at Soho House, you are getting pressed like a panini–betting against the man in the time machine.

In Europe, Citi upgraded Unicredit–suggesting it is a “high-risk” investment with significant potential upside. CIT cut off financing to SHLD, citing Sears as an abomination to all that is solvent in retail. This is, without a doubt, an absolute red flag for shareholders of SHLD. I’d sell it with reckless abandon, as bankruptcy looms in the background.

The mafia didn’t cut rates in Europe this morning and US retail sales came in weaker than expected. However, and having said that, I like companies that retail $90 watches to the poor, allowing them to feel a certain sense of dignity. Hence, I am long FOSL.

As an aside, Muddy Waters is looking to GO LONG Chinese burritos. Oh.boy.

I am down 10% on my TZA position and happy to endure further downside, in order to profit on my longs. Understand something, small man, this is NOT a normal market. These runs are always temporary and there will come a day when you look back on these days as bliss. But it’s very important that we milk these rallies to get ahead of the curve. Earnings season is here and there will be horrific shortfalls. My advice to you is very simple: take the gains, book them, and live well.

So the market is going straight up in 2012, led by bank stocks and miscreant solar energy plays. Everything that destroyed capital in 2011 is now replenishing the vaults with new coin in 2012. With the proceeds, Wall Street will be buying vintage wines and exotic animals to be cooked and served at private dining gatherings. Men of industry will buy their wives and mistresses earrings adorned with FL to IF rated diamonds, as the pedestrian VVS1 variety are cast aside for the help to pawn off for petty cash.

A new Gilded Era of decadence and oversupply approaches– only for the people in a position to profit. All others, namely government and non-executive class, will be used for cheap labor to further enhance the EPS of fortune 500 companies.

As you sit there, in sheer amazement, wondering how you will spend all of the money you are going to make–remember to hire private security because the savages on the outside looking in will be tempted to hog tie you and hold your limbs for ransom. Aside from that, enjoy the splendor that is Obamanomics and get ready for the biggest stock market rally the world has ever seen.

Do you want to know why I bought DMND and FSLR? Well, it wasn’t because of The PPT or due to some make believe chart breakout from some imaginary line in the proverbial sand. I didn’t buy them because I heard a rumor from a reliable source or the CEO is related to me through six degrees of separation. I didn’t buy them due to weather trends and/or the prospect that Obama will get reelected. As you know, he is nuts for solar.

The real reason why I bought them is because I own a time machine. You may disbelieve me, as it is ordinary to do so. But, let me tell you, without delusion or fantasy, “The Fly” travels through worm holes and tips coffee cups onto your neatly pressed pants when you’re not looking. Plus anyway, I can, which is the basic essence of success. Being able to do what you want, when you want to, because nothing can stop you.

Pray tell me, how do you intend to stop me?

That’s what I thought.

This morning I had a look at my 45% cash position and felt like spending some. So I dropped millions into FSLR and DMND and now I will wait for these investments to make me richer.

I started positions in both DMND and FSLR.

This is just brutal for shorts. It’s bad enough to be short a market that just won’t go down–no matter how bankrupt Europe may be– now the shorts get to endure wild upside moves in just about every stock whose % of shares sold short exceeds 10%. Today’s torture chamber is TSL, FSLR and YGE. Apparently solar is making a come back. Maybe the Obama administration is going to have the Fed print more dollars and just send it over to solar firms. Green energy is all the rage again. We all should have windmills on our front lawns, so that we could systematically kill all birds that might encroach on human territory.

Hey, don’t get all cynical on me now. Us humans have a real problem with energy, post Fukushima. Nuclear is clearly off the table, unless of course you’d be willing to live in a toxic wasteland, tending to three headed goats, for the rest of your pathetic lives. Go get yourself a fucking solar panel and harness the God damned power of the sun. Slap a fucking windmill in your backyard and decapitate your wife–by accident–as she “accidentally” lifts her head to trim the old cherry tree.

If you are monitoring the prospects of Le Fly, you know that he is practically floating around the office, not even paying attention to gravity. Shares of DECK are screaming higher and can only trade north from here, all thanks and praise to the Gods for the blessings.

Finally, I’m about to step in–HARD–(no homo) and buy another heavily shorted stock–this time for humor.

Stay tuned.

Today I was tempted to drift off the plantation of prudence into the hookers den of chinese burrito stocks. There are so many that look so good, infecting my brain with visions of outsized gains in short periods of time. In my head, I saw myself doing 125mph on the FDR, while texting my trader to sell 500,000 shares of some devils stock for a two day 35% profit. The reality is, as documented by my accountant, chinese stocks represented 35% of my losses last year. Let me say it again: chinese stocks represented 35% of my losses last year, spearheaded by the animals who run BORN into the ground.

My Grandfather used to say “son, if it sounds too good to be true, it’s a fucking god damned lie.”

RBCN was a legacy holding, as well as LULU, DECK and all of the other shit on my books now–sans FOSL and MTW. I am now within 5% of my all-time highs. When I hit it, I intend to sloooow down and get real methodical about my buys and sells. This means I will be tossing bowling balls at your heads from my limousine, instead of my chopper.

On the subject of decorum and how to behave while on iBC: some of you are not welcomed here anymore. Let me remind you–yet again–2012 is a charitable year for iBC. I intend to give you money, via contests, and the bannings will be held to a minimum. In the past I’d look at names and simply dislike them for their spelling or get pissed off at a particular state, like MN, and ban everyone in sight. Not in 2012.

If you have an issue with Capitan Fly, take it up with him in the comments and get eviscerated in a public fashion. I am up for it and will keep a stiff win-rate of 100%–trust in that.

However, I will not tolerate trouble makers in my house. Many of you are poorly bred and do not know how to behave amongst gentlemen. For the love of Rick Ross’s big fat face, respect your fellow pleb and keep the hate speech down to a minimum. iBC is a beacon of truth in a sea of lies. This is the Constantinople of finance and the barbarians are firing catapults at our gates. I will not tolerate ignorance and will exact the harshest measures against trespassers, such as melting your fucking hard drive to the ground.

I have a dozen hackers–with nothing to do–willing to send your PC back to Staples.

Enough of the unpleasantness: rejoice in this most honorable melt up and remember to take profits.

The market trades up and then it goes down. Just because the market is going straight up in 2012 doesn’t give you the right to shit on everyones parade. When others do well and show it through a smile and a new Porsche Cayenne Turbo, don’t let your lower class reveal through envious actions. There isn’t a need for your to talk down stocks or better yet explain to me why we’re going lower. I’m a big boy, bigger than you think, and know exactly where we’re going and when.

I took 5% of my cash and bought FOSL today with every intention of buying more lower. I added to my MTW position because China is gonna ease and attempt to kill their poor via runaway inflation.

Hypothetically, if the market went down 200 today and stole 1.5% from my assets, I’d accept such treachery with a gaze then a smirk. I am due for a thrashing, and so are you. It’s the manner in which you take said beatings and how prepared you are to endure it that makes the difference.

We have an interesting situation right now, where stocks are dropping–but GS is holding. It’s gonna be real hard to take stocks down with the financials rallying like this. With my money, I remain long, heavy cash, and a small TZA position 9% in the hole.