If was going to be a financial rapper, the chorus to my first single would go like this.

Mack hard, mack strong

Short Yen, long Dong

I was so pissed that “Real Housewives” was on when I got home, I forgot about the drunken lunatic southerner that threw a xmas tree at my car. A vagrant in Sperry “Top Siders,” — with no socks, mind you — wearing ‘Bammer [sic] colors, was grabbing dead trees placed on a corner in my neighborhood, and tossing them “Track and Field” style. See, you put your trees out and the garbage man comes and picks them up, the problem is people put them out on random days, but they are only picked up on garbage day. So right now it looks like a Fur Tree plague has broken out in my neighborhood with dead– read “fire hazard” — trees stacked up on corners like they had the Black Plague, “bring out yer dead.”

I got close to home, coming from the gym, and saw that I needed to get gas. I hate having a close to empty tank, I think it”s an Army thing, I digress. So I started winding through the streets in my ‘hood. I came to a stop sign– it’s dark, mind you –and I can barely see this idiot to my right spinning with a Xmas tree like it’s a hammer at the Olympics. He lets it go right next to my passenger front fender, it only goes four feet before it lands on it’s wooden base on the driver side of my car. He turns and starts scrambling for another one– he’s obviously drunk on mint juleps and SoCo limes. I get out of my car and grab the one he just threw over my hood by the base with the base facing front ways, like a javelin with a huge non-aerodynamic wooden cross at the head. I toss it hard, it arcs for a second and just goes down because it’s top heavy, it hit the fucker right in his cuffed khakis on his calves. It just bounced off and didn’t slow him down at all, he kept trying grab for another tree like a zombie– Bath Salts?

I thought to myself “NOT WORTH IT!” I hopped in my car, high tailed it to the gas station, then took a different route home. Just think, if Xmas trees were banned, that guy would have had nothing to throw and injure someone!

(Note: I know the lady thinks some of my viewing choices are disgusting, e.g. TUF, Housewives really pushes my buttons, I could go on a total diatribe about it.)

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