OK   here we go… live feed set up.. check.

Stocktwits $AAPL stream…. check.

Live quotes….  check

Trigger finger….  fuck you button…  check.

Apple Store..ready to buy…. check.

I’m ready.  4 minutes and counting…

Happy iPhone 5 day Gentlemen. 

It’s all about AAPL today… you might as well shut down your twitter stream and news feed unless you are attempting to trade AAPL today like a degenerate OTB guy at the Fitz..  Going rumour is even the Clam will be basing his POMO decision on today’s product announcement…

So what to do today?  The two dominant investment strategies out there today are fundamental analysis and technical analysis. 

Fundamental Analysis is a method to determine the intrinsic value of a stock by looking at financial data and facts directly related to the company per se, such as earnings, sales, balance sheets, cash flow, income statements, and dividends. There are more than enough websites and information on the Internets that go into all that shit; you don’t need me to regurgitate all that for you.  What we do know is AAPL has stupid as fuck amounts of money and makes stupid as fuck amounts of money.  And, regardless of what you think of the iPhone 5, AAPL will make stupid as fuck amounts of money on it.  There you have it.. fundamentals.

Technical Analysis is a method of predicting future stock price movements via the use of charts showing past price and volume performance, patterns, and trends.  Most technical traders use a series of indicators, oscillators, and signals to determine if the market is pricing that particular stock in question correctly at the time; and because of technical analysis’ primary belief that markets are efficient, everything you need to know about the stock is already reflected in its price and price action.  So looking at AAPL, this is how its price reacts to product announcements in the past:

Good luck with that fuckface. 

Here’s what we do know… technical analysis is based on  one sole premise: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.  So looking back, the iPod, iPad, iPhone 3G, and iPhone 4S have ALL been some of the greatest disappointments in AAPL’s history on the announcement day and in the following days of its announcement. Well, we all know how those all worked out for Apple and its investors. 

There is a third, much less known, but far more useful investment strategy. Psychological analysis.  Basically it is the study how humans respond to certain market events.  You probably heard the cliche, “It’s not the news that counts, but how the market reacts to the news”… This is what I’m talking about here. What I like about it is human psychology never changes: investors always feel fear and panic when shit is knifing down, and investors are rich and fucking geniuses when shit goes up. And when it comes to AAPL, it is one of the most emotional investments I’ve ever run into, with exception to real estate. Like real estate, it seems, you’re either a rabid fanboy sporting wood on every uptick or a degenerate basher vying to get into AAPL at lower price or got a serious hate on for AAPL just to justify your asshat decision on a Sony Xperia purchase…

An interesting post @Redman59 wrote yesterday, looking at how emotional Apple investors get when someone, anyone in fact, writes anything negative about Apple.  I have noticed a lot of writers and traders will do so just to mock Apple fanboys. If you looked at the AAPL steam on Stocktwits, you would have noticed how @traderflorida shorted AAPL during an entire $100 run up on AAPL share price. Whether or not he made money, only he knows, but if you read his tweets and watch his video clips, I personally think he does this intentionally, like some insecure beta male schoolboy desperately seeking attention and fame would,  just to fuck with AAPL longs knowing full well how rabidly bent out of shape they can get when you bash their precious AAPL. 

Anyways, getting back on topic, what do we know on a psychological analysis standpoint? The iPhone 5 was the last product Steve Jobs had ever worked on before he passed away. And there are literally millions upon milions of people, fanboy or not, that want and will buy the iPhone 5 right the fuck now and NOT ONE of of these people has EVER seen it yet.  Think about that for a moment.

Place your bets, addicts. 

Good Morning and good luck in all your trades.

Disclaimer: I am stupid as fuck long AAPL.

Timestamp this bitches: After EXACTLY 15 months of devouring luncheon meats and throwing back sawdust flavoured protein shakes with psychopathic diligence and surgical precision like a ravenous barbarian, I am officially OFF the 4-Hour Body diet.

Final Stats: net loss 25lbs; max loss 40lbs falling short of intended goal of pre-wedding weight by 10lbs. Bench press: 315lbs for 8 reps; 2-rep max 355lbs.

I will be endeavoring on the new Arnold-endorsed Carbo Back Loading (CBL) starting today.

From what I understand this diet is NOT for everyone: It was designed for juice monkeys throwing iron around of 70% or more of your max for typically an hour.  So if you are a newb, still using your sister’s weights, or a fat-faced yoga troll, or one of those long distance runner types looking for that oh so sexy anemic crack ho with AIDS look, back-loading isn’t for you.  And yes, this also includes you laying on your couch eating Doritos Jabba the fucking Hut types too–stick with the $300 a pop B12 shots at Dr. Bernstein’s…

  I’m still learning the intricate details of this new fandangled diet but the gist of it is as follows: it is similar to the 4-Hour body, being it another low carb diet, except after the first 10 days, you splurge on a gluttonous “back-loading” diet of glazed donuts and highly glycemic dogshit, and then repeat “back-loading” on workout days and low-carb on days you don’t train as you did for the first 10 days…   

Be forewarned, during the start of any new diet, it is advised to keep small children inside as my temper is like a lit stick of dynamite and it has been known that my arms tend to involuntarily punch random people in the fucking face and push unsuspecting bystanders into oncoming traffic. 

And if you insist on loitering here, being the perverted voyeur that you are, and were expecting perhaps a friendlier demeanor now, a more humble and calmer experience reading my blogs and Facebook updates, please take this with the utmost sincerity and honesty when I say to you, “fuck right off already.”  

Getting to stocks, I picked up 8-ball sized portions of DDD and FIVE at the bell yesterday. I see FIVE, despite beating the Street on its Q2 EPS after the bell yesterday, has my testicles in the vise this morning… But it is offset with glorious gains in DDD and V…  

Good Morning.

I spent the entire day yesterday pandering to the wife’s every caprice, like I was her pet fucking monkey, driving “Mrs. Daisy” here and there, around the entire city, spending stupid as fuck amounts of cash on utter dogshit… “Now take me to Shoppers…”

Like I don’t have better things to fucking do…I usually like to spend my weekends sharpening my African throwing spears, preparing myself for war on the next trading day and entertain myself belittling those unwashed vagrants who like to seek attention leaving vulgarities on my Facebook wall and inboxes..

But this was important to her. Of course I caved.. like the spineless knave that I am… Apparently she had just unlocked one of the universe’s great mysteries, free chocolate. And not just any chocolate.. we’re talking the good stuff here, the primo shit rich people on 400-foot yachts with heli-pads like to use for their hedonistic fondue parties..

You see, my wife is an extreme couponer. Yeah yeah. Laugh it up asshole… I know what you’re thinking… …borderline hoarder… What a bunch of asshats.. high income, high net worth and they have to coupon??

We heard all the stereotypes already, so fuck you.
 

 
Well, get this. Upon explaining this chocolate deal in detail to me, not only does she get the chocolate for free, the store gives her an extra $2 cash back in redemption points. Big fucking deal, right? That’s chump change.. crumbs! Whooped dee fucking doo..

Let’s put all this in perspective here. As a trader, we never look at what price a stock is; it’s all about the percentages. Let’s say you bought AAPL at $650 and sold it at Friday’s close of $680 for a 5% return; AMZN sold at $260 when bought $230; the same $30 dollar value amount equates to a 13% return. That’s double the return for less than half the capital risk exposure. This is about scale.

Getting back to the chocolate: For buying 4 chocolate bars for $8, she gets $10 back; that’s a 125% return! This is akin to buying AAPL at $302 and selling it on Friday for $680!!! Only here, she managed to pull this off on a Sunday afternoon!! And this doesn’t take into account the 20% discount she got in savings off the regular retail price of the chocolate bars… So really, this is more like perfectly timed dip buy at $302 from a regularly trading price of $377… In addition, if she waits for a certain time of year for a particular annual promotion near Christmas, she’ll earn double that amount…well, fuck me running sideways with a TV up my ass, That’s a 250% return!! So in AAPL terms, that’s like selling it a couple months from now for $755!! The kicker? No capital gains tax either.

The more and more she lets me in on the details of some of her couponing escapades, it dawns on me how very similar it is to trading stocks. She belongs to several social networks to exchange ideas and strategies with other couponers; she studies as much as I do with stocks; plans out her monthly, weekly, and even daily gameplan before heading out to do her damage to the local grocery store…

Currently, and for the last 3 weeks, she has also found the next MSFT;  she’s killing it with a 10-bagger times 5 deal on a coke-addled gorilla run for the ages, except this is iced tea and not stock…. And, the above said chocolate ordeal is nothing compared to this shit or what she has pulled off over the past year.. In fact, her return percentages easily, almost comically, horse rapes those numbers of degenerate Timothy Sykes penny stock guys ilk!

Not only am I married to a mathematical genius, my wife is Lex fucking Luthor.. with coupons. Now if only I can harness her superhuman powers in for the common good or stocks… I could retire right the fuck now.

Pretty fucking cool… I imagine this is quite similar to how The Fly travels in his time machine… with all the people cheering and shit too..

Full disclosure of portfolio holdings as of September 7th, 2012…

Linked from my personal blog:  http://criticalperception.blogspot.ca/2012/09/current-portfolio-holdings.html

Long term holdings….

Yeah. That’s right…. I’m fucking WINNING.

Have a good weekend.

DDD bouncing off the 50 day on numerous occasions… looking to get in on it today if if falls back to it…

 
UPDATE: I never got any orders for DDD filled today as it bounced off S1 support and never looked back… I will be putting this puppy on my watchlist and hope we revisit the 50 day again in the next couple of days… Anything $39 or lower is a buy, and DDD should be back in the $44 territory soon after…

“Don’t get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he’s up, you’re down. You see how it all evens out for me?”

– Jerry Seinfeld

In 2008, during the peak of the recent Alberta oil boom, oil was $140/bbl, the Cdn dollar was above parity with the USD, and home values were at all time highs as was my portfolio, 100% invested in my buy and hold forever asset mix of AAPL, potash and uranium– no worries here- everyone needs food, energy and iPhones, fuck stops, this shit “has to” go up forever…

I was working retardo hours, as was everyone else in this province, on what seemed like the never ending money train, printing $6500 per week after taxes; and my YTD gross earnings at lifetime fucking highs. We were all rich and geniuses, doing lines of blow atop escorts. Life was good indeed.

Little did I know at the time, mostly because I was too fucking cocky, too fucking complacent, and too fucking busy to pay attention what was going on in the world around me; my portfolio was losing $10K a day and was quickly going to $00.00.  By the time I finally took notice, it was already too late and everything else was going to shit and more. The Cdn dollar was teasing $0.70 on a good day, oil went to $35/bbl, and we were all wondering if we were still going to have jobs the next day, every day we showed up to work… it’s the Universe’s great balancing act…

Just last weekend, as I had mentioned in earlier posts, 18 co-workers had just won the lottery, splitting over $20 million among them. I stewed over it for a few days because it stings;  it is still the hottest topic at work and I am reminded every fucking day as I used to be part of that group a couple of years ago.

I left the group because we had already won a 5 of 6 number draw-potting us a whopping $630 each only to give it all back in the following weeks buying more tickets. I figured fuck this shit, “lightening never hits the same place twice” and at the time our numbers couldn’t hit a dirty vag in a whorehouse nevermind a free ticket!  Plus being cheap as fuck doesn’t help my cause either… I’ve got better things to do with my money!!

The thing is, there’s probably at least a half more dozen peeps on suicide watch now, as I know there are guys out there who’ve donated much more and for longer into that lottery fund than I, and either got laid off or left this job to find greener pastures elsewhere.

For me, this hurts like a missed opportunity, like selling a stock way too fucking early… Well to add to my slap in the face with hot pizza slices, I blew out my 500 shares of LNKD and 3000 shares of KORS earlier this year as part of my ‘sell in May and go away event’, only to see both rip tits to all time highs yesterday and now looking at my YTD on my paycheque, well, fuck me over gently, it’s at 10-year lows.

Seeing how everyone else get cocaine fever yesterday, with the ECB firing up the presses, as a trader I needed to get my fucking head outta my ass and stop moping over the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” and start looking at the “now and next”.

Well, lo and behold! AAPL is at all time fucking highs! You know what that means? My portfolio is at all time fucking highs too! Timestamp that bitches!

Funny how things even out. I’m ‘Even Steven’. Time to join the cocaine party.

Who wants to talk stocks when there’s 18 newly minted millionaires, that you know personally and work with, running around the jungle with erect penises, talking shit, doing lines of blow atop fine escorts…

Each winner, a salt of the Earth kind of guy, with his own unique story to tell, I’m sure, about their lifetime of hardships and their own dream finally coming true…

17 of 18 new millionaires…

 

Still, that’s alot of “fuck you” money, cold hard liquid cash, to get, all in one ejaculation shot.  It took me years to accumulate that kind of wad in net worth,  at my turret on a daily basis, constantly on the lookout for the next GOOG, dodging munitions, Matrix-style, and putting up with all you dicksuckers and your sage advice on how AAPL is going to $00.00 because you so happen to feel the need to justify your big-screen Samsung phone purchase.

To this day, I spend countless hours studying gay charts and retarded trendlines, keeping up on all the bullshit news, putting my testicles on the counter while speed chopping carrots, anticipating at any second, some fucktard out of Europe may say something and make everything magically disappear; but, in the back of mind, I can’t help thinking maybe I should’ve been buying lotto tickets all this time instead of juggling pinless hand grenades…  The feeling is akin to training at the gym; sweating your bag off, throwing iron around for years and some skinny fuck walks in off the street, sticks a syringe in between his toes, and pounds out the same weight and number of reps as you just did on the bench press; except in this case there’s 18 of them skinny fucks, and they’re all in front of you at the water fountain…  I think what truly gets my goat is the fact that I gotta run around at work even more now to cover for these fuckers; laugh it up but if you had 18 guys at your workplace just get up and leave, even just to take the week off, tell me that doesn’t disrupt the workplace at all.

Mind you, if that was me that won the lottery, and I didn’t blow it all in one shot that same evening by putting it all on red and letting it ride like the degenerate OTB guy that I am, I’d probably be in the same boat… Actually I would still show up to work just to fuck with guys and see how long it would take them to fire my ass.  Why not? I’d be testing people to see what their “number” was, getting them to do all sorts of stupid dog tricks and shit… “OK would you take 5 grand to shit on that guy’s desk…no? How ’bout 10? ”  “25G’s to anyone that will take that crane over there and put that guy’s car on top of that 200′ tower over there..” 

Sigh… back at ‘er… at least AAPL is green this morning…