This is pretty good, from the May 2013 issue of GQ magazine.
The Zumba Giggler
How to recognize him: He’s white. Like really, really white.
On his iTunes: All remixes of “Funky Vodka,” Pitbull, and Enrique.
No relationship to: Guy who can really isolate his hips well in Zumba, just as one would in the original sexy Latin dances on which it is based!
But possibly related to: The barbell sniffer, the yoga snorer, the shake-weight farter.The Yoga Cad
How to recognize him: He’ll be holding court with five women after Bikram, explaining his daily meditation practice.
Accessories: All-natural-fiber yoga mat, ponytail elastic, holy-water facial spritz, Tom’s of Maine deodorant.
His go-to move: Lunging Proud Cock (called Warrior 2 in yoga parlance).
His other go-to move: “Can I help you square your hips? You’re a little off-center.”The Elliptical Scholar
How to recognize him: He’s the guy taking a leisurely stroll on an exercise machine with a towel around his neck and a leather-bound copy of Paradise Lost propped before him.
How else to recognize him: Converse
All Stars from 1983, lack of sweat.
Bonus fitness accessory: Vintage tartan scarf from Oxbridge.
Motto: Working out is a long read spoiled.The Steam-Room Stretcher
How to recognize him: Are you in the steam room? Is there a guy in there who’s making weird groaning sounds? That’s him.
Philosophy: No one can see me behind this shroud of steam, so it’s a great place to do weird private stuff!
Related to: The sauna zit-picker, the shower gargler, and that guy who has definitely been doing something strange in the handicapped stall for the past half hour.The Mat Potato
How to recognize him: Forty-five minutes after you first saw him, he’s still lying on the floor watching SportsCenter with his head propped against an exercise ball.
Internal dialogue: “Working out doesn’t seem so hard! And look, I’ve been here two hours. I should treat myself to a smoothie.”
Repressed internal dialogue: “If I go home, my wife won’t let me watch SportsCenter.”
Nagging question: How come I’m not ripped yet? Maybe it’s my metabolism.
Uniform: A full sweat suit. It gets chilly in here.The StairMaster Drummer
How to recognize him: He’s the only man on the StairMaster who has an imaginary twenty-seven-piece Zildjian kit.
What he doesn’t know: He’s actually singing “Hot for Teacher” out loud.
Closely related to: The ab-mat dancer, the Exercycle e-mailer, the guy who Zumbas like nobody’s watching and talks on his cell phone like no one is listening.
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FULL LIST AT GQ.COM
