iBankCoin
Stock advice in actual English.
Joined Sep 2, 2009
1,224 Blog Posts

MAY 18, 2012 DAY OF ICY TVIX’ING FACEDOOM

As melodramatic panic hits the waves, Facebook and all social media stocks topple into total despair. The indices crumble. Morose manic depression forces men to wallow in their boots, while widows and orphans cry from an unforeseen location. The entire world is ending, and everybody hates you.

It was not supposed to be this way.

$FB was the single greatest effort of investment banking in the last 5 years. It was to be a shining beacon of financial splendor, complete with all the trimmings. FB IPO DAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.

Instead, we have this disgusting “Woodstock” before us; as dirty vagrants dance on their graves, and mourners go about the streets.

Where art thou! Cocaine lines and mustard seeds? WHY DID YOU FORSAKE US!?

“I just wanted hookers and blow…,” cries the vicenarian trader. He was but hired to his new job only two weeks ago. So sad. So sad. Now, he will be fired, and forced to eat his dog. And Christmas will be cancelled.

California has always sucked dick. But now they will have to own up to it.

Now, with all of Europe and Asia being swallowed by the deepest circles of Hell, there is no more hope.

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6 comments

  1. Caffeinated

    Christ Cain, I usually love your stuff, but you needs some meds right now.

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    • Mr. Cain Thaler
      Mr. Cain Thaler

      Lol, I’m pretty sure this was a joke.

      This entire day is nothing but idiotic hype. Manic swings of mood, from elation and jubilee, to sorrow and despair.

      You guys are better off switching off your monitors and going outside.

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  2. noodleboy

    aren’t you short?

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    • Mr. Cain Thaler
      Mr. Cain Thaler

      Yeah, I was up over 1% yesterday.

      But I can really feel for the people who got their faces kicked in. Not enough to care, mind you.

      I’ll just have a pang of regret every time I count my money…

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  3. Mad_Scientist

    Your writing in this post is reminiscent of the fly’s.

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