I almost forgot who am. I almost forgot what I do. I almost forgot what it feels to live, to feel. How do you prepare for tragedy? You can’t. How do you force yourself to feel better? You can’t. How do you find meaning in life? You can, it’s just not that simple because most of the time we’re all sleeping.
Then one day, life gives you a wake up call.
For me, it was a phone call. I remember it clearly. I was sick with a cold, about to take a hot shower after coming home from a dinner so I can catch up with the guys. I really wasn’t in the mood though. We planned a poker game that Thursday night because everyone had Friday off. We’re all so busy now, so these games give us a rare chance to catch up with everyone. My cellphone rings. It’s my best friend…
“Hey Gio, did you hear?”
“No.”
“We have one less player tonight. Mel is not coming.” ..click. He hangs me up.
… what the heck was that? Mel was his brother, maybe he pissed him off. They always fight, and I always bring them together. Great, our game is ruined. Let me call this idiot back and talk some sense into him. I get another phone call, this time it’s my mother. “I’ve got bad news. Mel drowned.” I punch the mirror. Grab my keys and drive out.
I come home a day later. Everyone is calling me, telling me sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I tell them thanks, but in my head I’m thinking shut up, leave me alone. That wasn’t him. That couldn’t be him. No way that was him. I’ll see him next week… we’re going to go fishing on Saturday, then we’re going to play poker later at night. He’s going to go “all-in” just before I can see the rivercard, like he always does. And I don’t care, I’m going to call him, and this time he’s not going to get the flush. Not this time.
Just one more game, that’s all I ask. I wish I could play one more hand with him. He’s so alive in my head. The last time I saw him he was so full of life. There wasn’t one moment where we didn’t laugh together. When we talked, he would talk my ears off, and now its so strange because there aren’t any words left. Why did he have to be so generous? Why did he have to be the best fisherman I’ve ever known? The waves were 7 feet on the rocks. Unheard off. What the hell were you thinking Mel? Why’d you have to go?
I still blame myself. If I didn’t tell him I was coming over to his house with the guys, he wouldn’t have gone fishing by himself. Once he found out we were playing at his house I know he felt he had to go out and catch fish for us. He always does that. He always gives me a cooler full to pass out to everyone. He was a damn good fishermen. Why’d he have to be so good? We shouldn’t have planned to play that night. I was sick already, I should have cancelled.
I know it’s not my fault, but those thoughts haunt me almost every night.
You can probably count the days since I lost my friend. I haven’t done a post ever since. I took it really bad. Really really bad. I tell you, nothing mattered to me. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care about money, basketball, people, and especially myself. Everything just dropped. The world stopped spinning. I closed my trading books and just disappeared. I told my clients I need a break… if they needed financial advice I told them I was in no sane position to give them. Which was good since I wanted to short everything in the world in revenge. I haven’t even touched a keyboard for over 2 weeks. I didn’t blog, tweet, chat, I didn’t even get on the internet. I didn’t care. I told you, I took it bad. The only thing that really saved me was being there for Mel’s family. He has two kids, and a wife. My goodness, when she cries it just breaks me down. That must be the most painful thing that could ever happen to someone. To lose your spouse… If I feel like crap, it must stab her a thousand times more. I really don’t like to see people suffer. I really don’t. I still feel empty a little, sad, still have little desire and energy in me, and oddly enough that makes me feel good inside… This is for you Mel. See, I won’t feel good with you gone. That’s proof of how much I care for you buddy. I am cut.
I can’t keep punishing myself this way. If I could, I would give everything I have to go back in time and rearrange some of those events, change some things, make sure it never happened. But I can’t. Youth makes me feel invincible, losing a loved one makes me feel so vulnerable. The best thing for me to do is to keep busy. When it’s quiet, I feel sad. That pretty much sums up why I’ve suddenly disappeared from the world. Sorry, but, that’s how I am. I’ve lost some friends to death before, but never someone this close, this sudden, and this tragic. I still don’t know what to think. I just tell myself to man up and get back to trading, but it’s not easy. Believe me it’s not easy. I don’t even know what stocks I want to trade, and I kind of wonder which stock I’m going to buy first. AAPL? GOOG? You tell me, please. Wow, I haven’t typed four letters in all caps in a long time. Feels like forever since I traded.
Trading. What a simple yet complicated thing to do. Friends, don’t ever trade what’s important to you for something that cannot bring you happiness. I’ve come to learn that life is not worth living unless you share it with someone. How many chances do you get? You never know, you just never know when you say good bye to someone, if that’s the last time you’ll ever see them. Man it hurts just saying that.
…Let me ask you a question. Do you know who the best traders and investors are? They’re not the ones that pump out triple digit returns year after year. They’re the ones you never notice… they’re the ones usually with small returns, yet come home every night never forgetting what’s important to them. It’s the ones that never make that one trade they regret later when they realized it’s too late. They never trade their time that should be spent with their loved ones for the sake of material things. While walking through the valley of the shadow, I try to see some light. Coping with the loss of a loved one has taught me more so that money and possessions are not important. I always knew that, but now I understand that. You can break something and easily buy it back. You can make a bad trade, but as long as you’re breathing you can make it back. But once you lose someone in death, that’s it. All the money in the world is not going to bring him back.
Tomorrow, when you see your boss, thank him for letting you keep your job so you can put food on the table. When you see your friends, compliment them instead of competing with them just this once. When you see an enemy, forgive them. Then tonight, before you go to sleep, give your kids a hug, tell your wife or husband you love them even though you don’t deserve them. When you see yourself in the mirror, smile, laugh, and thank God for the little things in life. Promise me you’ll do that, the I’ll feel better. Don’t let the unexpected things in life be your alarm clock. Wake up.
Mel was a good man. He did all that, and for that I admire him. I hope the best of him lives on in me. Love yah buddy. I’ll see you again, I’ll bring the cards.
-gio-
Comments »
Go Lakers!
You know what Im trying to say, Gio.
… Go Celtics. I know what you’re saying Mike. We’re rivals on the court, allies on the street.
Anon Says:
When I had to struggle with obstacles of all kinds, when I had to very strenuously pit myself against my existence, when the strength of my thinking and feeling and the strength of my will and my body had threatened to fail, when morale and all hope had started to sink and everything in myself became very and unendingly difficult for me to persevere in life and to single-mindedly do my duty and fulfill my responsibilities, then I searched for my most secret spiritual-fine-sensitive-feelings and feelings, which, as a very quiet breath, whispered to me that there are unutterably few happy and content human beings on this planet since they all are plagued by immeasurable grief and sorrow as well as problems and worries which they are unable to get under control.
The cognition grew always within myself – how very much worse off than I these human beings must be. Yet, like I, they all can only find the way out of their entire misfortune when they effect good in themselves, when they dedicate themselves to contemplation and through this dedicate themselves to the source of cognition which brings a release from all miseries and ills, from grief, sorrow, problems and worries. This cognition lies in the real observation of all things, that all is worth living, the negative as well as the positive, and that only the living out of the good as well as the bad makes life worth living and brings immeasurable learning experiences, events and values.
The mission of life, namely to evolve in the consciousness, and the fulfillment of this mission is the source from which those who are sorrowful, grief-stricken, downcast with problems and under work pressures, constantly draw new strength, moments of quiescence and recuperation, joy, love, harmony and peace. That is my cognition and it teaches me that when good is consciously effected then the good becomes all-pervasive.
… deep stuff Anon. You’re right. A common thread with all champions and heroes, is that they all had their hearts broken, they all lost, and they all have scars. I find the most powerful people are the ones that risen from the fire.
The Chart Addict Says:
Happy you are back. Look forward to your fellowship.
… I think you came in time CA. You’re a motivation to all the young and zealous traders out there. Let’s make history.
lieutenantfox Says:
Gio-
Mel lives on, my friend. I can imagine, too, that he doesn’t want you dwelling on the hurt. He knows how you feel about him. Make each day count for Mel. God bless bro. Lets all raise our glass to Mel… a life well lived. Peace.
… thanks Fox. I guess making every day count is hard when you you’re up all night dwelling on what-ifs. Mel liked chocolate shakes, I think I’ll have one.
Juice Says:
Often, the best among us go far too young and too soon … and leave to us invaluable messages and lessons to make the best use of our lives; to be a living example of what they have left with us and thereby their life has not been wasted, as our thoughts, feelings and actions have become a living tribute.
…“tribute”, good word. Makes me always wonder, “what is in a name”? We should all stop and ask ourselves, “If I were to die tomorrow, what would the world think of me?” If you’re answer doesn’t come out the way you want it to, then maybe it’s time to change something about your life.
alphadawgg Says:
Gio,
Thanks for taking the time to share that with us. It couldn’t have been said any better. Hang in there, bud.
…It took me almost 5 hours to finally hit “submit.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to share it, but putting it down in words has helped. Plus, everyone has been so encouraging. It’s easier to “hang on” when you have so many people holding you up.
boca Says:
Glad to see you back Gio. There is no greater sadness in life than the pain of losing someone you love, someone who was a big part of your life, especially losing someone far younger and more suddenly than you thought.
I still feel my daughter’s presence looking on over my shoulder at what I’m doing, still feel her love and support.
Mel is still there with you, but in a different realm, in a different way. We suffer when the waves of grief wash over and through us, trying to find ways to cope. My workaholism is an attempt to cope, sometimes it works, sometimes not. You will find your way over time. Sending you waves of support from over here … give yourself time.
…Thank you Boca for being real. A mother’s love is one the strongest forces in the world. Living for your daughter is proof of that. I can never say I know how you feel, but seeing someone further down the tunnel makes me feel closer to the light.
Woodshedder Says:
Take care of yourself brother. In time, things will develop meaning again.
… thanks Wood. The nice thing is that I get to re-prioritize everything. Some things probably shouldn’t have that much meaning anyway.
Cuervos Laugh Says:
Still praying for ya Gio.
Take your time and thanks for sharing this with all of us.
…thanks for your prayers.
PoorOkie Says:
Welcome back – we’ve missed you around here.
... glad to be back. I’m not totally back, but the part that is really appreciates it.
Controller Says:
I’m going to kiss my husband and kids right now. Thank you for your real perspective.
… I feel better already. Thanks Controller. You get it.
Veritas5 Says:
Well said, Gio. Thank you for sharing. It makes you reconsider pretty much everything.
…Thanks Veritas. You get it.
Heckler511 Says:
Sorry about your friend GIO. Totally understand, but glad you’re back.
…thanks for sticking around Heckler. We’ve traded together for some time now.
dr_nate Says:
Thanks for sharing Gio. I don’t know you that well, but I can tell you’re a good person. Glad to have you back.
… thanks Doc. I think the same thing about many people that comment here on iBC, except DevilDog and Tim Sykes. Just kidding. Actually, no, my patience would run out with Tim.
The Contractor Says:
Great post, gio. All too often when tragedy strikes it’s so easy to lose perspective and become bitter and angry. I hope you find a way to not let this happen to you and it sounds like you have a firm grasp of what is important in life so I hope you never let it go. Peace to you and may you find solace in living your life in a manner that would make Mel proud.
…. Thanks Contractor. I go in and out the anger phase every now and then. But it gets me nowhere. Peace to you too my friend.
pinoy Says:
Gio,
Sorry about your friend. Time heals all pain.
-pinoy
… Salamat po Pinoy.
arth Says:
great post man
… thanks arth.
Prospectus Says:
Gio-
There’s nothing anyone can say or do that will make the pain go away. The only thing that will help at all is time.
I was a youth leader in our church, and was close to one of the teenage boys. He watched our kids, and they loved him. His mother was our family friend, and he was her only child.
One day about three years ago, out of nowhere, he decided to crash his car into a freeway bridge after a fight with a girlfriend. He was gone.
I blamed myself, too. I was supposed to be his leader, his mentor! I must have failed him if he did this. He had called me the night before, but I didn’t answer my phone because I was “too busy to talk”. I still regret that.
Like you say, I kept expecting him to show up one day, like it was all a big joke. I felt compelled to visit the crash site–it could have been the wrong car, couldn’t it? I saw fragments of melted CD’s that had his handwriting on them. I saw the molten engine block and some small remnants of the car, but it was his. I couldn’t accept that he was gone until I “saw it” for myself. There was no open casket for obvious reasons. I was one of the main speakers at his funeral, where we celebrated his life, but I cried. It devastated me. His mother almost didn’t make it, honestly.
After that, my youth leader days were done. I couldn’t do it anymore. It knocked the wind and the life out of me, in that way.
So I understand what you are going through.
Here are some words that won’t help how you feel right now. But they are true, and over time your feelings will grow to match them more and more:
*It wasn’t your fault. Unless you can see the future, and unless you actively wished him harm, none of it is your fault.
*In time, the pain will become bearable–but it will probably take at least a year. Your time to heal will likely be sooner than that of his wife, though. Use any strength you find to support his family.
*Mel would not want you to stop living. He would want you to live all the more. Do so as your heart is able.
Best wishes, Gio
…. I’m speechless Prospectus. You’re experience has obviously turned you into a wiser man. You pretty much nailed it. Everytime I drive by the East shore near the cliffs, I can’t look at the waves crashing on the rocks without thinking about Mel. I get mad at myself, at other people, and it really consumes you. Then I pretend that it’s all a big joke. Strange how we act. I will remember your story and your wise words and use them as my stepping stone.
alf44 Says:
Always loved this quote…
Life is full of misery, loneliness and suffering…and it’s all over much too soon !
~ Woody Allen ~
——————–
Not making light of your tragedy in any way…I’ve been where you are.
There is more truth in that quote than may be first apparent.
Try to smile…do it for Mel !!!
GLTY
…Thanks. I’ve been smiling much more lately. 🙂
Tilo Says:
Good to have you back, Gio. Take good care.
…Thank you Tilo. Take care.
Jakegint Says:
Your friend’s passing has left a hole…
Now you must fill it up, with bright things,
In his memory, and for yours.
Bright things to make a whole.
_______
My deepest sympathies for your loss, Gio.
…Thanks Jake. I will quote you to his brother. His hole is much bigger.
The Fly Says:
Everyone missed your VIX mastery. Glad to see you back.
… Thanks Fly. Thanks for slapping some sense in me. I needed it. Life is full of volatility.
j0sh1ngU Says:
Often times the best thing to do is to live your life the way he would want you to. Sorry for your loss touching post. good points. Hope you recover Gio. Take your time as life passes all of us fast and especially those we love most
… Thanks Josh.
mrkcbill Says:
Gio,
You have a gift,please start posting again. You have a huge following of people that really care about you.
…Thanks mrkcbill. It’s amazing, isn’t it? I never thought I could have this many friends from iBC. I’ve never met any of you in person, and yet I feel I’ve known some of you for some time. Maybe it’s because we can’t see, so we judge by our minds and not with our eyes. Look at all the support I’m getting now! It’s overwhelming.
elditto Says:
Thanks Gio. Nice to have you back. I’m so sorry for your loss, have tears here. Your post does your friend a great memory.
Joel
…thanks Joel. I’ll share your kind words with his family. I think it will make them happy.
Employee8 Says:
A touching eulogy ….
These words;
“That must be the most painful thing that could ever happen to someone. To lose your spouse… ”
brought back the tears again …
Time and memories will help to heal the wound but you’re right. Your perspective on life will never be the same.
So sorry for your loss.
… thanks Employee8. I hope I didn’t bring back too much pain. I’ll admit, I don’t cry often in front of people, but sometimes, out of nowhere, I’ll look down and notice my papers are a little wet… I’ll touch my cheek, look at my hand and discover tears. Is that normal? I mean, that never happened before. It’s like the tears fall before I can feel sad.
Plasmahidef Says:
Gio,
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers for you and Mel’s family.
Regards.
…thank you for praying for us Plasmahidef.
Darius Says:
Im to young to have lost anyone close like you have, but I almost teared up at the end of reading that.I cant imagine losing someone that close to me. Im srry, but Im sure your sick of hearing that.
… Thanks Darius. You’re never too young to be close to anyone.
FastEddie Says:
Good to see you back Gio. You and your friend’s family have been in my prayers. We’ve all missed you around here. Take care and continue to enjoy the important things in life as Mel’s life continues on as a part of who you are everyday.
…Thanks Eddie. Hope to see you soon on The PPT. I’ll let them know you’ve been praying for them.
Blue Says:
Gio….
At least you are lucky enough to have had such a great friendship with someone as cool as Mel and still fortunate to have many other good friends who were also friends with Mel.
Some of us live life in a bunker. At least you’re out there and have good friends to share more good times with.
Life goes on…
-Blue
…Thanks Blue. You’ve been a good friend since WallStreak.
GW Says:
Welcome back kid. My condolences to you….
…Thanks GW.
Danny Says:
echoing the sentiments of everyone here in saying your were missed and that my thoughts are with you.
…Thanks Danny. How’s the vacation? Hopefully better than mine.
DPeezy Says:
Echoing Danny’s echoes of all the beautiful and important sentiments that have been conveyed through these comments.
May you find eventual healing through the cherished memories of your friend.
Welcome back; we’ve missed you.
..Thanks DPeezy. I never get tired of the echoes.
Billy Mays Says:
gio,
my sympathies on your loss.
…. Thanks Billy for coming out to leave a comment and a kind word.
Susannah Says:
Glad you’re back. I lost my 16 year old brother to a car accident when I was 19. He left me with a gift – I’m sure Mel has left you with this, too – a greater appreciation for life and more thanksgiving for small things that make our lives truly rich.
… I’m sorry to hear that Susannah. I hope you’re using your gift to the full. Mel left me with a lot to think about.
The Equalizer Says:
Condolences from another one of your formerly-lurking readers.
Your blog entries have already said it better than I can; if there’s one consistent theme in your choice of words and images alike, it’s that trading is a means to an end, not an end in itself.
Your posts are proof that you’ve always known everything you need to know to bounce back. Good to see you back.
… Thanks Equalizer for coming out of the shadows to leave a kind thought. You should express yourself more and teach me something.
OE Trader Says:
Keep your chin up, brother. Good to see you back.
… Thanks OE. Keep posting too please.
Anthony Brown Says:
Glad to see you back!
I had some serious issues after going through the Christmas Day Tiger mauling at my zoo, I know a little bit of what you’re going through.
Take care!
… Thanks Anthony Brown. I don’t think I’ll switch places with you on that one. Take care!
szaman Says:
Gio-Good to see you back. I know how you feel, I lost my childhood best friend about ten years ago. He was caught in a crossfire.I still miss him.Pain will heal and he will come back in your dreams.
… thanks Szaman. Sorry to hear that you lost your friend. It’s strange not being able to see them, even though you think you will. How is it 10 years later? Hope its better than day 23.
ohanes Says:
Sorry for your loss Gio.
Your words woke me and helped me see that I need to put trading in perspective.
I’m missing out on my life, my spouse and my health and enjoyment of life due to my extreme trading behavior and excessive ways. Balance is coming, slowly but surely.
Thanks for the important reminders about what really matters.
Deepest condolences
… No ohanes, thank you. You get it. If anything, I hope that’s the one thing I can instill in all traders… never short your own life, invest in happiness.
ZMoose12 Says:
Check your DMs on Twitter, I sent you a lengthy message!
… thanks Zmoose. Sent you one back.
Dinosaur Trader Says:
Gio,
Thank you for this post. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to say… I mean, I lost my best friend (suddenly as well) a decade ago and I’m sure that most everyone reading this has lost someone significant in their lives. But you hit on what I feel is the most important lesson of death, which is appreciating the life you lead now. That can easily get lost in lots of the other (mostly negative) emotions that accompany a sudden loss.
I’m sure you’re going to have some dark days ahead but if you keep focusing on that lesson you’ll be honoring your friend’s life through yours every day.
-DT
… thanks for sitting around DT. I know you’re a great trader. You know how to make trading fun, and your blog always makes me smile. Sorry for your loss, I would have never known you’ve seen a dark day. Thanks for sharing and encouraging. Much respect to you.
vcutrader Says:
Glad to see you back around, been wondering where u were on The PPT.
Take care man, will keep u in my prayers.
… Thanks VC. Take care too.
GonzoTrader Says:
Gio,
Don’t blame yourself…
He took a big risk, its was not you who sent him out on the rocks.
Take care, I wish you the best.
… thanks Gonzo. Take care yourself too.
Judge Smails 78 Says:
Gio,
Welcome back and my condolences on your loss. I have been there and know exactly what you are feeling. I echo what Dinosaur Trader and many others say above. And Please do not blame yourself. Not sure if you play any instruments but teaching myself guitar got me through those dark days when I was grieving and needed a new hobby to occupy my mind.
You and Mel’s family are in my thoughts. All the best my friend and everyone raise your glass for Mel.
Brian
…Thanks Brian. It’s funny you mentioned it, but lately I’ve been playing a lot of music lately. It is comforting. I’ve actually picked up teaching my nephew the ukulele, and Mel’s nephew the guitar. His hands are still too small. hehe.
Jeremy Says:
Sorry for your loss, Gio.
Glad to see you back
… thanks for not changing my password. Glad to “see” you too J.
JF Says:
I am in tears as I read your post.
I can completely relate to everything you are feeling and thinking right now.I, along with probably many others have lost a loved one, suddenly and tragically.
Thank you for sharing your humanity with us.
Your friend lives on, in every person that ever loved him.
… Thanks JF. He’s very alive in my in mind. Thanks for your kindness and humanity too.
ryan Says:
I will keep praying for you.
… good. Because I’m running out of words myself. Thanks Ryan.
fortune8 Says:
Time heals all wounds.
… thanks F8.