3. This stupid kids tutoring place in a shopping center when I was 14. I had gone there for help in math- I didn’t need help, but I needed someone to make me sit still. I think I lasted the compulsory 1 week probationary period. The big incident was when this other guy and I were taking out the trash, these three wannabe ghetto, pieces of shit, wanted to come and try to mess with me, because I had a “dorky job.” I, of course, did not back down to them, but it didn’t come to blows. The other guy was like 17 and almost pissed himself. He immediately went back to our boss and told him, and then maybe cried. That was pretty much it, I don’t even know why they kept me around for the rest of the week.

2. A small GNC store in SF. I was big into body building and supplements at the time. I read everything I could about the subjects. I knew everything about every antioxidant and often printed out medical studies. Anytime a customer came in I was as attentive as possible and would give them as much help as I could. They almost always just thought I was a dumb-ass and never trusted what I’d say, even with a medical journal backing me. They would be so smug and act like they knew exactly what they were talking about, because their “friend was a marathon runner,” or their friend “had a biology degree from Stanford.” My fiance has a Bio degree from UCLA, she couldn’t tell you off the top of her head which protein is better for your goal. Also, the people in the neighborhood, (my ‘hood now, lol), treated anyone that was working in a place like that, like shit.

1. Valet, in and around Marin, SF, and Sonoma counties. This was a double edged sword. Oh, not to mention it was my first job since getting out of the army. In the army, all the “higher-ups,” tell you that people will “respect and value” your service. Not these assholes, they didn’t care at all. In fact, I think they didn’t like it, because I wasn’t a dumb ass 18 year old kid that could be easily controlled. One time I got drunk and let one of my fat ass “managers” have it on his voice-mail. All the full time office folks, except the boss, were fat fucks. When we’d have a big event, say a winery, and we’d have hundreds of cars and large distances to cover, they would always be handing out tickets because they were to fat to run and get the cars. I left that idiot a message and got a call from the boss the next day. He told me it was unprofessional and not to do it again, but then he gave me what I was asking for. He gave me a high tipping job at a hotel, that I excelled at, and no one ever messed with me again. Oh, except this one recently promoted guy, but I just laughed at his ass.

It wasn’t just the employees, the customers, holy shit. One of the ridiculous shifts was the lunch shift at a very popular restaurant in Marin. These women who just migrated form their fathers’ money to their husbands’ would come in, and had no idea how to tip. First off, PLEASE, tip at least $2, most of these guys are working their way through college or graduate school and are getting paid minimum wage, plus tips. Even if you have to pay for valeting, seriously, if you can afford to pay $18 for valet, you can spare $2 for the kid freezing his ass off. I could on about this all night, but feel free to ask me questions about “valet etiquette.” So these women would come in in their Rolls, Cayenne’s, SL 65’s, etc, decked out in Chanel and Heremes. When you see a guy like that you put his car upfront and remember his face, when he comes out his car is already running with you standing at the door. So, you would do the same for these women, they didn’t understand you were treating them specially though. Often one would be “hosting” the lunch, thus, she would offer to pay for everybody, and being the miser idiots they were, they would say okay. One with a Rolls Drophead came and had a birthday lunch with 7 of her closest friends. They all came down giggling up a storm, and I doubt any of them could legally operate their vehicles. She comes up to tip us both- all their cars were there running with their keys in mind you -and she says “We couldn’t decide who was cuter [background giggles] so we decided to tip you both,” [hands us each a quarter]. Yes, a fucking quarter. Other times idiots would come in in their mustangs or M3’s and not want us to park their cars, even though it was a valet only lot. I drove a Z06 at the time, so it really pissed me off, and they would either A) let us park it reluctantly and watch, B) Get mad and leave, C) get mad, park down the street, then scream at the restaurant’s manager about having to walk 40m. I could go on ALL night, but I have to go to bed. Enjoy.

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