The following is my rendering of what may have happened just minutes before Ben Bernanke’s interview with CBS past Sunday
Time – 60 minutes before the 60 minutes interview. Scenario – Ben sitting with Agent X and going over interview prep. Agent X is a secret top member of the Plunge Protection Team.
Agent X: Hey Benny. This is your big break for the 11th time now. Don’t mess it up this time.
Ben: I won’t. I learnt crucial lessons from my last dozen interviews or so. I have published a thesis on how to prevent a fiasco during financial interviews. Now that I have the thesis, I obviously can’t go wrong this time.
Agent X: Permission to speak frankly?
Ben: Sure.
Agent X: Fuck the thesis.
Ben: Excuse me?
Agent X: You heard me. Fuck it. You should know – that shit doesn’t work.
Ben: Okay then what do you propose I should do?
Agent X: You may think I have a bias here because I don’t understand your goobledygook, but let me tell you – You work on how you present yourself. You see you quiver like a fucking meth ridden kid. Your voice is perpetually shaky and nervous as if you were just caught with your pants down at the Atlantic board walk getting some from a hooker. You see Ben, peepz get a wrong idea. They think you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.
Ben: Well, actually I don’t….
Agent X (closing his ears and shouting): No, No, No! I don’t want to hear!!
Ben (stops and then starts talking again): Okay. But it is not my fault my voice is shaky and I can’t do anything about it.
Agent X: Okay listen. I know you had this dorky girlfriend Debbie back in Princeton who used to wedge a joint up your wazoo and stick one in your mouth and then make you smoke from both ends. That kind of stuff can leave someone permanently disabled. You got a shaky voice and shaky lips for life. So what? It’s not your fault. But we gotta address it man. We can camouflage that shit.
Ben: How?
Agent: Just keep speaking at your highest pitch and pretend as if the shaky voice doesn’t even exist.
Ben: Fuck. That is brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that before?
Agent X: Because you forgot to put it in your thesis.
Ben: Oh.
Agent X: All right now lets go over the questions.
Ben: Sure (Opens his briefcase)
Agent X: No you don’t need your stupid briefcase. We are going to dumb it down like no Fed Chairman has ever done before.
Ben: Sounds intriguing
Agent X: There are only four questions you should worry about – (a) Will we be hit by recession? (b) Will we be hit by depression? (c) Are we creating inflation?, (d) Is Unemployment going to remain high?
Ben: oh goodie! I know the answers to these.
Agent X: Go ahead…
Ben: I believe that when we extrapolate the current economic indicators and reconcile with the global credit contagion, within a few months…
Agent X (interrupting): Ben
Ben: What?
Agent X: Are you fucking with me? You are on prime time. First, no one will get your answer. Second, the markets will tank on Monday. Your answer to all the four questions is a simple “No”!
Ben: Oh okay. I get it.
Agent X: You can of course flavor your “No” with different forms of No such as “If we are up to the fiscal challenges, we will not….”, “So long as we buy the bonds, we will not…..”, “So long as we extend the tax cuts, we will not….”. Oooops…scratch that last one. I thought for a second Bush is still around. But you get the point, right?
Ben: Yes I do now. But I cannot spin the unemployment thingie. It is too damn obvious.
Agent X: Okay then just be confident and continue to speak at the highest pitch when you talk about unemployment.
Ben: How is that going to help shroud the shitty unemployment projections?
Agent X: Ben, let me tell you something. When someone says “I suck” and he says with utter confidence without blinking an eye lid, people actually think he doesn’t suck
Ben: I should have taken Psych 101 at Princeton.
Agent X: You should have.
Ben: Hey what if they ask about Banks making all this crazy money and not lending a penny?
Agent X: That is simple. This is where you use your gobbledygook, neither-here-nor-there crap. Use words like “balanced”, “prudence” and you are good to go.
Ben: Got it.
Agent X: Good. And one more thing.
Ben: Yes?
Agent X: This time don’t talk about your home town. That shit you did last time was gay.
Ben: Got it.
Agent X: Great! I gotta say you are a quick learner.
Ben: Thanks for your help. I think I am going to put these valuable lessons I learnt from you in a thesis.
Agent X: Good for you. Don’t put my fucking name down.
Ben: I don’t know your name.
Agent X: Oh that’s right. You don’t. I am fucking good. All right let me quiz you and see if you really got it. Pretend that I am the interviewer. (in a male husky voice) Are you printing money?
Ben: Of course not.
Agent X: Attaboy!
Agent X presses a button and he disappears in thin air.
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Reported by,
StocksRider
Out freaking standing SR. You should consider writing for the stage. Or maybe stage some writing for consideration ……………. Well you know what I think I’m trying to say
Sure, I’ve always had a soft spot for this cloak-and-dagger sort of thing.
I LOL’d not just at the joint-in-the-wazoo bit, but actually spilled beer on the keyboard when the interview got serious: “Your answer to all the four questions is a simple “No”!”
Well-played, Agent X! Encore, Encore!
Now that is quality stuff.
ROFLMAO!
You are talented in more ways than one. That script should be nominated for an Emmy.
And here i thought you were just a whiny little bizsnotch, “hey fly, do something about the points, ratings, blah blah wah wah..”
Yet this was very funny. Braveaux.
Pure gold!
thank you all for the kind words! I hope to report more exploits of Agent X in future.