“Look You, I Won” —-Barack Obama

Look you stupid Republicans. I won the election. I’m in charge now because I’m better than you. Therefore, what I say goes. I’m the Prez now. If I want to give away $200 million in free “rubbers” and shit to copulating reprobates, so what? We’re trying to stimulate the economy here. Don’t you get it?

See, I just appointed a tax cheat to head the Treasury and oversee the IRS, that’s my decision. Rest assured, he’ll crack down on people who try to avoid paying taxes. To catch a thief, it helps to be a thief. Comprende?

You think Bush is the “decider”? I am the super-anointed decider, with a friggin neatly barbered afro to boot. There’s no comparison between me and Bush. He’s just a redneck cracker. I’m hot, and he’s not.

And if you think I’m going to put up with all the divisiveness and negativity, think again. I have zero tolerance for those who would oppose my decrees. If you disagree with me, tough shit buddy. I (and my adoring underlings) rule now.

Finally, I spit on the U.S. media. My first TV interview from the White House has been on Arab television. So there. I also plan to make Taboule and barbequed goat a staple at dinner tables across the U.S.

I have astonishing ambition. Change has come.