You clicked on the headline because…

A. You don’t believe it and will assert your “constitutional right” to call me a liar in the comments section.
B. 13.03% is what you made trading a 9X levered ETF yesterday while taking a shit.

C. You are interested and would like to be enlightened.
D. None of the above. You’re just here to see if there will be another image defaced with a spurting cock.

According to “investor correspondence” and HSBC’s private bank data, I’m pissing upon hedge-fund performance YTD. Currently I’m 13.03%, which is none too shabby. Bear in mind that this is a market exhibiting signs of Bipolar Disorder.

I am able to achieve this kind of return without the palpitation-inducing volatility. Last year, I was 13.74% and in 2009 I was 13.27%.

How am I able to attain such levels of consistency consistently?

For that, I have to thank the cluster fuck that was 2008. I watched and listened as hoards of passive investors lost 40% of their net worth. The market pissed the bed and Costco was not willing to accept a return on that mattress. This kind of loss was mind boggling and playing endless roulette was not how I wished to plan for retirement.

I came across ancient text from 1982, the Investors Bible by Alan Greenspan. In one of the pages there was a photgraph of an etch-a-sketch. It read as follows…

You shall buy shares of a mutual fund you know nothing about.
You shall not ask to see the fund managers face (as he has no face).
You shall contribute via a payroll deduction monthly.
You shall check performance only in the event of a crash.
You shall spend up to 1 hour on hold to have your username and pasword reset.
You shall not actively manage these investments.
You shall see Bull market performance that is consistently flaccid.
You shall see Bear market performance like that of a 3X levered ETF.
Oh…and you shall pay a 1.75% management fee regardless of performance.

Amen

Having my wages garnished and seeing diminishing returns was not something I could accept. Taking matters into my own hands, the logical first step was to start thinking and acting like a bank. So I did just that and opened a branch of The Bank of Schadenfreude. It’s a Loan-Shark-Lite operation. For the pleasure of doing business, I charge them interest and in turn they mostly pay me back. My rates are very competitive and are superior to that of actual banks. By comparison, credit card companies simply look like the payday lenders they aspire to be.

To be continued…

And remember please rate even if it’s to hate.

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